"AITA for bringing an extra guy to a group date?"
Throwaway account. Everyone involved is in their 40s. My bff Dee and I (both F) went to a bar two weeks ago. Two guys approached us, I’ll call them Able and Cain. Able and Dee hit it off right away and were talking with each other.
I chatted with Cain but he had zero interest in talking with me. He looked around me, over me, everywhere but at me. He gave me one-word answers or shrugs. After about 10 minutes of this I told him, very nicely, it’s OK if he isn’t interested in talking to me. He is free to do his own thing and I will do mine. He just said OK and I left to hit the dance floor.
That’s how I met Joe. We were dancing and being silly on the dance floor, then we went to sit at the bar (a different part of the bar from Dee) to chat. After a while Dee tells me that we are leaving, and Joe decided he would leave as well.
I see Able and Cain outside waiting for us. Dee tells me that we all are going to a nearby Diner. At this point I don’t want to spend an hour at a restaurant being ignored by Cain, but I don’t want to leave Dee by herself with them either, so I asked Joe if he wanted to join us, he did. I could tell Dee didn’t like that, but I didn’t like being put on the spot either.
We all had a great time talking with each other except Cain, who sat on his phone ignoring us. Everyone tried to engage him in conversation, even Joe, but Cain gave the same terse answers so we left him to his phone.
On the way home, Dee said she thought I was rude to invite Joe. She said Able and Cain invited us to the Diner, they weren’t expecting anyone else. I told her no one asked me if I wanted to go, and told her how Cain had acted towards me.
She said that Cain had a different story, but she wasn’t there so she doesn’t know what happened. I told her she does know because I just told her, why would she choose to believe a guy she met two hours ago verses her bff of almost 30 years. She apologized, but she was still making passive aggressive comments about it all week.
That lead to this week. She spent the weekend with Able and he told her that Cain had just gotten out of a relationship, that’s why he was in such a bad mood. Cain sent word through Able to apologize to me for his behavior, and offered a “Do-over” dinner.
I told Dee that it was messed up that it took two strangers to get her to believe what I was telling her all along about Cain’s bad attitude towards me. She didn’t address that, and just said it would be nice if Cain and I had a “reset”.
I told her that she doesn’t get it, Cain isn’t the problem. I have a problem with her putting me in an awkward situation and making me the bad guy for finding a way out. She only stopped being passive aggressive about it when Able and Cain corroborated what I told her.
She has a history of putting guys she barely knows before our friendship. I didn’t mince my words. I walked her through her history of “pick-me” behavior, and now she isn’t talking to me. AITA for how I handled this situation?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
YTA for being in your forties and dealing with teenage problems.
No is a full sentence. Use it.
If she can't support you over a guy she isn't even interested in, who clearly only saw you as a backup plan after other prospects failed... her not speaking to you isn't a loss. Keep it like that. NTA.
You are the AH to yourself. What makes a friend a friend? Someone who treats with kindness, dignity and respect, who cares about you, your life and your feelings. What you have with her is a user. She sees you as less than her, she is telling you who to spend time with because it’s convenient for her.
She accuses you of things based on comments from some random dude. She only wants you there because she doesn’t want to go alone. I think you spent so much time with a user you don’t remember what a friend truly is.
I get that 30+ years is a long time, but Dee is not a friend you should keep in your life. She seems determined to be the center of attention, controlling, and passive aggressive. Other than habit, why do you keep her around?
She'll trust anything with a male sex organ before she even considers that you might be correct or truthful. She doesn't care for your opinion so she tells you what you're doing. You even met a nice guy and she's still trying to set you up with some turd that can't help but rage his way through a breakup IN HIS 40s.
A turd, I'll add, that has to be bullied into apologizing for his bad behavior and even then will have someone else do it for him. Dump the whole lot of them. Sounds like none of them enjoying aged much higher than their teens. NTA.
NTA. Your friend is way too immature for her age. Her behaviour was completely unfair towards you. You are absolutely right to set some boundaries, as she ditched you and forced you into an uncomfortable situation to suit herself. She’s not a good friend to you, at least when it comes to dating.
NTA. This type of behaviour drives me bonkers, and my ex used to do this all the time. I would tell him about someone being mean to me at work, and he’d say, “well how do I know what really happened?” Ummm how about because I just told you and I’m your wife, and you should trust me and have my back?
Your friend clearly really likes Abel and was envisioning double dates in your future, so she wanted to believe her own made up story that there was no real problem and you were the issue. You are not obligated to hang out with or date anyone you don’t want to. You invited Joe, the guy you were actually interested in.
The fact that she still doesn’t see what the real problem is is concerning. Calling her a pick me puts you close to AH territory, though. There’s no need to go that far with your best friend. But I think kindly pointing out how she treats you around new guys is fair, and she needs to own up to it at this point for the friendship to continue.