'AITA for bringing my deceased father up in front of my mother's new husband?'

"AITA for bringing my dead father up in front of my mother's new husband?"

I'm so upset and I do not know if I'm in the wrong. I'm 27 F. My father passed away of cancer back in 2018, when I was 20. Last weekend, my mother re-married. I get along well enough with her new husband, he's a cool guy in general, treats me and my mother well.

He also has a 13-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, as he's been married and divorced his ex. They have a 50/50 custody split of their daughter. During the wedding on Saturday, everyone had fun, I even shed some tears of joy for my mom. But Sunday, something shifted.

My cousin asked if I am going to call my mom's new husband dad. I obviously said no. I already had a dad and was a fully grown woman by the time he came into my mother's life. After that comment, my mother and her sister pulled me aside, and started yelling at me to stop bringing up my father in front of her new husband because... he's jealous? Of a d((d man?

His ex is alive and they see each other every other weekend to pass the kid but he's jealous of a d*ad man? I basically told them to get off me. That I do not do it deliberately but my father had been my father for 20 years and naturally I bring him up sometimes in passing. Especially to my younger cousin who was only 7 when my dad passed away and barely remembers him.

My aunt went into a whole tangent how "my dad was important to me but is not important to anybody else anymore and I should let go and move on instead of talking about him because everyone else is."

That, in turn, made me cry and I didn't speak to either of them for the rest of the day. AITA for bringing up my dad sometimes? Is it reasonable of my mother's husband to be jealous of a literal corpse..?

The internet had a lot of thoughts in response.

imamage_fightme wrote:

NTA. This is straight up despicable behaviour from your mother and aunt. No one gets to tell you to stop talking about your father, ever. Are you sure this is actually coming from the new husband? Or is it just coming from your mother?

Regardless, it's disgusting to try and make you shut up, and even moreso to say no one cares about your father. If your mother ever loved your father, she'd never allow that to be said. I wouldn't be able to look my mother in the eye again if I were in your position.

OP responded:

The tangent came mostly from my wine-drunk aunt so I was not that upset with my mother. I honestly don't know what to think. I told my mom that I try to not bring my dad up as much in front of her new husband but she mentioned the situation that happened that same weekend, where I joked to him that he needs to "start scoring the dad points."

Because he would be my step-father the next day. I obviously meant him, NOT my d**d dad but I guess he misunderstood? I don't know.

kajeyn wrote:

NTA. What the actual F? This is crazy and anyone saying you should forget your dad because he’s d**d is loony. I am curious what your “stepfather” has to say about this, if he dies does he want his child to forget about him?

No-Potential-7242 wrote:

NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong. If you're 28, your mother must be at least 45 and is probably in her fifties. I.e., she should be far too mature to be insecure about the new man in her life. Let's be clear. Your father existed. He is no threat to your mother's new relationship (!). It is absolutely shocking that they told you not to mention him. You are 100% the normal one in this situation.

I wish I could provide a link but have to run to an appointment...Google "Dear Prudence" "Emily Yoffe" and maybe terms like "photo" "first wife." Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist who writes for Slate magazine. She wrote a column about this exact issue a few years ago that really stood out to me for its graciousness.

She has since written about it a few other times so I hope the columns will be easy to find. Emily Yoffe is the second wife of a widower. She admits to having felt a little jealousy at first but quickly came to her senses and started being OK with hearing the first wife talked about and her memory respected.

Because your mother and her sister are being so immature about this and they're probably your closest family members, I think you should check in with Emily Yoffe's columns because they may help you to organize your thoughts and realize your expectation to remember your father to other family members is totally normal and healthy. Good luck.

Sad-Country-9873 wrote:

NTA - Did your mom marry that man with the understanding that he would be YOUR DAD and you would never mention your dad?

I hope you don't live there and live on your own. You should ask mom for the pictures before they are destroyed.

ThisWillAgeWell wrote:

NTA. Unless your mother and your late father did not have a loving relationship, her attitude is incredible to me. A person's love for their new spouse doesn't cancel out the love they still have for the one who died. Love is big enough to encompass both of them.

As for your aunt, she is downright cruel. Saying your late dad "is not important to anybody else anymore" is one of the cruelest things I have ever heard anybody say. Stay away from that woman; she is toxic. If she were my aunt, I'd never speak to her again. Some things are unforgivable.

Your relationship with your mother is going to be more difficult to navigate. You're 28, so I hope you are not still living with her. You need to put some distance between you for the moment, process how appallingly she has treated you, and decide where you want to go from here. This will be easier if you're not under the same roof as her.