'Broke college student' bails on cousin's fancy wedding, 'there's a specific dress code.' AITA?

"AITA for upsetting my cousin due to my finances?"

It got taken down cause of the title so I reworded it so I (19F) am a broke college student, and I’m working part-time at a cafe, but my hours are inconsistent, and everything is expensive. My parents help out with what they can, but they’re struggling too

Recently, my cousin Nova (32F) announced that she’s getting married this summer and invited me to her wedding. I’m happy for her, and I really want to support her. but here’s the thing: the wedding is going to be fancy, and there’s a dress code with specific colors and styles.

I don’t own any formal clothes like that, and the thought of having to buy a whole new outfit stresses me out. I’ve looked online, and decent dresses are way out of my budget.

On top of that, Nova sent out a wedding registry and said that everyone should bring a gift off the list. I know a gift is expected, but again, I can’t afford anything that’s on there, not with how tight things are right now. I can't even afford anything I need for school.

So, I decided to be honest with her. I told her that as much as I’d love to be there and support her, it’s just not possible for me financially. I explained that the dress code is out of my budget, and that I can’t afford a gift off the registry, so I wouldn’t be able to attend. I tried to be as respectful as possible, but she wasn’t happy.

She said it was “disappointing” and that “family should support each other” and that it wouldn’t be the same without me. Now, my parents are upset with me too, saying I should go regardless and either figure out how to get a dress or just put a gift on a credit card. They said I can’t miss family events like this and that it’s a “once-in-a-lifetime” thing for Nova.

But honestly, I don’t want to go into debt for a wedding when I’m already struggling with basic expenses. I can't show up out of dress code because Nova has said how they're spending a lot of money for this moment to be right.

AITA for not wanting to go to my cousin’s wedding because I can’t afford the dress or a gift?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

tryntryuntil said:

NTA. If you were my cousin I would tell you "I understand your situation but I would really love for you to attend the wedding. Please don't get me a present because it's just materialistic and our relationship transcends that.

Regarding a dress how about I come over and we find something that would work or can I lend you a dress or maybe you can borrow one from someone. In the end I really don't care what you wear I just want you there. However if none of this works I would still love you no matter what."

Smarterthanuthink867 said:

NTA. If I got a wedding invitation with a specific dress code and a registry list of what I had to get them as a gift I wouldn't go to it! You were honest and told her you can't afford it. BTW your parents a being jerks for making you feel bad about not attending. You can't afford it. Enough said.

Ostace said:

NTA, your concerns are real and you should not go into debt for a wedding. If family should “support each other,” maybe there shouldn’t be a dress code or gift requirement. I think it is in poor taste to require a gift off a specific registry or ‘look’ that is way out of budget.

If you truly want to attend, check out thrift stores for the dress. It might take a while to find the "look" in your size but when you do, it will be much more budget friendly than an upscale department store...

If in the US & you have time, prom dresses should be going in clearance at department stores in the next month or two. Many of us can appreciate the position you are in financially and maybe show cousin the post.

Hazelnut-1959 said:

NTA. I would say maybe borrow an outfit from someone? Or thrift one? That might be cheaper. But yeah, the gift might be a problem. When you make a registry, I really think people should consider different budgets. Have a few expensive things, have some mid priced items and then a few cheap items.

I put some kitchen stuff that was under $15 (like a lemon squeezer or kitchen towels) because I knew that was all my brother could afford. If the gifts are out of your budget and your cousin isn’t flexible then I wouldn’t go.

Traditional-Bag-4508 said:

NTA. Your cousin is trying to pressure you into this. An invitation is not a subpoena. She's being very materialistic instead of understanding. That's a damn shame & shame on her. You can't afford it. Your parents can't/wont help you. You RSVP NO. The end.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 said:

NTA. Family should support each other and that occasionally means understanding when some members don't have the means to make it to every event.