'WIBTA if I broke up with my boyfriend because of his disability?'
"WIBTA If I broke up with my boyfriend because of his disability?"
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and have lived together for 1. He has fibromyalgia. Its a chronic lifelong condition that causes severe pain and tiredness. About 8 months ago it got really bad.
He really struggles. He has had to quit his job because he cant cope with it. He has tried a part time job but couldn't cope with it. He receives some benefits towards this but not much. We are reliant almost entirely on my salary. I do get paid well but its not enough.
We all know about the cost of living crisis. Our savings are gone. We are now at a point where we have no money, we have no outside financial support either. By staying with him, it feels like I am choosing a life of poverty.
Having kids isn't even on the cards for us if we stay down this line. We will never buy a house. It sounds silly, but I miss name brand baked beans. I genuinely am starting to resent him when I eat.
I cant do this anymore. I make good money and I am struggling like this. It feels like I have wasted so many years of studying and working hard. Even now I am doing overtime for what? We could break our lease at the end of the month. I could move back in with my parents, start saving again, start eating good meals.
He doesn't have that option. He will have to couch surf for a while with friends. To be real with you guys, I don't think he could do that for long when offering no money. Its disturbing to say but we are only 24. I have a whole life ahead of me, we aren't married. I don't owe him my money or effort. I have nothing tying me to him other then the fact I love him.
We could move to a cheaper area, but we dont have the funds to move. Also, to be selfish I don't want to leave behind my family and friends. Its the only thing good I have right now. I don't know what to do anymore. WIBTA If I just upped and left?
Edit: I wouldn't desert him at the end of the month. That we can all agree on is unjustly cruel. But maybe a good chat and around the end of the year? I just don't know.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Fibromyalgia is not necessarily a progressive disease. It flares. He should seek a second opinion because maybe his condition has progressed to a point where it’s actually a different condition.
I’ve been through that. If not, he should determine what flares the fibro. Gluten, dairy, processed foods, these are all culprits. If he doesn’t care to investigate, he’s leaching.
B12 deficiencies very often get diagnosed as fibro and MS. It's bloody difficult to live with until you figure out treatment. I'm surprised my boyfriend stayed when I was my worst honestly 😂
I don't think you break up because he's disabled. You are on the verge of a burnout. you work and try and do to provide for both of you and it still isn't enough for more than a basic life. on top of him being at home, doing chores and helping him I'd guess. I don't think you are the AH. It sounds like slowly everything's just too much for you to cope.
NTA-you can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. Is he doing anything to help himself? Is he seeking treatments or doing anything himself to try and help? ETA: I have fibromyalgia. It sucks a lot, but there are many ways you can manage symptoms through medications and lifestyle changes.
Speaking as someone.e who in the past dealt with someone in a comparable position and stayed far too long out of a sense of obligation, I will say this. Leave. It's sad, but it may well be necessary.
As a disabled person, it’s ok to leave because you are unhappy.
As the life long caregiver and husband of someone physically disabled, I have thoughts. If you just up and left, yes YWBTA. If you told him and helped at least a little with the transition to not co-habitating with you, then you wouldn’t be.
He likely would feel the sudden burden of life and lack of support harder than you. This is how many disabled people end up on the streets, because their support systems collapse without regard to how it will impact the survivor. Be kind in your exit. This life isn’t for everyone. Live your life how you want.
I live with chronic pain. It sucks but it is lifelong thing. You need to talk to him about your concerns. I personally think that if you are already about to bail then you should just do it and get it over with.
I am married and living with chronic pain means my wife has countless times gone to activities or events without me. I try and go to everything that I can and I think she chooses to stay home 9/10 because of me and I feel some guilt about that.
I cannot tell you how much guilt I feel for putting my wide in this position where I am constantly in pain, cannot make money, cannot do much of anything active. She is wonderful and has stuck with me through thick and thin. I gave her an out when I found out I was likely never going to work again and she looked at me like I was crazy. Do not stay out of guilt.
NTA. His life doesn’t have to be your life. It’s really hard for him to have this condition, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. Nor should you, if you don’t want to and don’t feel devoted to the prospect of sharing lives. You are young. There are things you want to do with your life. If you stay you will just resent him more and more.