'WIBTA if I broke up with my BF because of some minor but significant lies?'

"Would I (30F) be the @$$hole if I broke up with my (34M) boyfriend because of some minor but significant lies?"

Buckle up as this may be a long one, I (30 F) have been dating a guy, let's call him Travis , for about 5 months now. He's been really sweet and supportive and I thought we were a really good match. We have a lot of similar hobbies and he traveled quite a far distance to come and meet me.

That being said , I took a week away from my kids (which gave me a lot of anxiety it's the longest I've been away ) just to be able to meet with him and get to know him in person. The problem started before our in person meeting. There's been three significant lies he's told, one being before we met and all crossing firm boundaries I set and had told him about.

The first lie was when I had received a weird message from a guy online . Essentially the guy was saying I had sent explicit messages before and would be willing to again. I never did that and were on an app that keeps all the messages, while scrolling I saw no proof of anything except him being weird with me and myself brushing it off or ignoring the conversation.

When I told my boyfriend he messaged the guy. The guy then sent me a screenshot which implies my partner wanted proof to see if I had done that and when to see if it aligned with us dating which at that point had been two months. The guy had no proof as nothing had happened and had nothing to send.

When I confronted my boyfriend he tried to say he was messaging the guy to "defend my honor " cause he didn't like the guy saying that. I told Travis I knew that was a lie and told him I was sent the screenshot . He swore he wouldn't lie like that again and I said it was a firm boundary line and that I had said that. I thought we were good.

Second lie was after we met, essentially I guess he felt like we had drifted even though I did my best to message when I could (my youngest has special needs and I sometimes have to keep my phone away for extended periods ) and spend time with him the way we usually do when I could.

He then proceeded to ignore me for 5 hours while actively being online on the app we message on and in a chat with our friends I can actively see open. He proceeds to tell me he just didn't see his phone and lost track of time. I know that's not true as I know he has my messages on his Phone screen and the app shows he's on Everytime he opens the phone.

Even if he didn't read it, he knew I messaged. It's a small but crappy lie, then he doubled down until I told him to just be real, and he told me he was just "giving me space " cause it felt distant

Third lie wasn't even two days later and was really two lies, one omission of information which is a lie and then a lie. I had let him game with my eldest and I 2-3 times under the conditions my kid didn't use a mic. Well little did I know they added each other. He mentioned in. Passing he helped my son in a game. I said " what the fk? You just played with him without parental consent. Aka mine ???"

He reassured me it was just that game and they only spoke of the game and that he tried to tell my kid to get me to come play too. Well he apologized and said he played with his other friends kids when they asked and the parents had no issues. I told him maybe someone he'd known for years but we just met, and I had made it clear I had boundaries with him and my kids and that he had crossed them.

I was just about willing to look it over when I went to go block him on my kids account. Turns out they not only had messaged, my kid had said something about some young kid beating some middle age guy in a sport and how it "goes to show age is just a number " and Travis agreed.

I know it wasn't dirty in nature but why are you even conversing with my child , a 12 year old boy. No messages about me either, just mainly about games and things but Travis failed to mention this comment or that they had spoken more then what he had said.

I told Travis I needed some space about a day and a half ago and about 12 hours ago said I needed some more time to think. I don't know what to do, I really like him but it feels to soon to be lying like this. If he's lying about little things what's to stop him from lying about big ones ? There's other things I've caught him doing where I asked and his excuse seemed valid but now I don't know anymore.

Also to be clear I don't think he's done anything sinister. I just think as a man with no kids he didn't see the initial issue with interacting with kids he knows the parents of but it's creepy ASF either way.

I just don't know if I can trust him now , I have kids to worry about and one with special needs, as I said, this is really early to even be making these kind of lies. They're so pointless too.

I told my friend tracy and she said the lies are small and that he's been nice to me and to give him a chance but I feel I gave him three chances and he's gaslit me every time and can agree that he has, and promises each time to not do it again and says I deserve more. I get change isn't overnight but the lies weren't even two damn days apart.

Also sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, it's 5 am and I haven't slept well the last few days if at all. I feel really stressed and know he needs / deserves an answer soon. So, WIBTAH if I dumped him?

TL;DR My boyfriend of 5 months told me small but consistent lies and some although innocent involving my child. I'm not sure I can trust him anymore but he's done a lot to help me and I don't know if I'm overreacting and being an ahole by wanting to leave.

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what commenters had to say:

Unhappy_fruitypop said:

You can already see the red flags. This much drama for new relationship and he’s already proven to cross boundaries and go behind your back AND double down. Why wait till you have to deal with the bigger lies? NTA You don’t need this stress

Also Tracy you need to have your girls back -_- niceness doesn’t mean morality

OP responded:

No you're right , my biggest fear was that these lies turn huge and he already involved my kid. I just needed some validation and a push as I only have the one person to talk to and tracy absolutely wasn't on my side and needs a better moral compass.

Her love life isn't exactly amazing itself but that's another story lol I just feel really alone and wanted to be super sure I wasnt being "sensitive " because I definitely can be but I'm so glad I'm not this time.

Cold-Sector2718 said:

I think you'd be the A-hole if you didn't dump him. The reason he has continued to push past your boundaries, is because you are letting him. It's as simple as that. They're either non negotiable, or they're not. And you've apparently been a bit wishy washy about them, despite saying they're firm, and he's taken advantage of that.

The most worrying one is him disregarding your rules about communicating with your child. The fact that you have had to ask if you should dump him following this, is a little concerning.

In the nicest possible way, you need to find your self respect, and move on.

I can assure you that no man is worth any of this, especially 5 months into what appears to be a LDR.

OP responded:

Yeah you're right. Honestly the minute I saw the messages between him and my kid I had blocked him on not only my child's things but my own except the app we messaged on. I immediately felt uneasy and needed as much space as possible afraid he'd message people I knew as I feel I just don't know him anymore. I'm typing up a rough draft message to him now.

Lack of sleep makes me want to make sure to read it over after I sleep before I send it. I want to make sure I'm very clear about how I feel and why. I guess I needed that push as I've been ignoring him for two days and just needed to vent it out before doing anything more.

Miners-Not-Minors said:

It’s not just lies. He’s pretending to be who he isn’t.

Single Mums are a prime target for groomers. His communicating with your son AT ALL without your consent…. BIG RED BUS OF A FLAG.

Fun-Jelly6976 said:

NTA. This is how online predators access their victims and start grooming them. It’s all fun and games until it no longer is.

OP responded:

That's also a fear. I'm not saying he is one, because the messages didn't seem that way in nature but you never know and I don't feel I'm doing my job as a parent if it's not something I protect further. It's already a crossed boundary with contact. I was just worried I was exaggerating​​​​​​.

Aiyokusama said:

Nope, you wouldn't be. A loss of trust is ALWAYS a justified reason for ending a relationship.

But I do want to point out something about #2. I have a feeling I show as "online" 24/7 because I have multiple devices logging in and don't ever bother to log out. A side note to that is that I'm ADHD, and going five hours without saying anything wouldn't even register to me. Hell, I can go weeks before it even occurs to me to reach out to someone since I have an object permanence issue.

Just something to consider. It in no way excuses his bullsh!t. I would have dumped him after the first lie about defending my honor.

OP responded:

Right I guess to clarify, #2 isn't about the amount of time he took (although out of character for him I also can't always reply within 5 hours ) it's that he lied about why he didn't answer instead of just telling me he needed space. And to clarify if allowed on the app it's messenger. It shows that he read the message and left me on read.

I get the permanence issue as everything is basically email to me but it was out of character and were adults , just tell me your feelings and don't lie about them. That one in particular is brought up because it's a small lie but a pointless one that just kinda breaks away at the trust further.

We'll keep you posted on any future updates!