'I broke my wrist and my husband won’t help me out with driving. Where do I go from here?' AITA? + UPDATE
"I broke my wrist and my husband won’t help me out with driving. Where do I go from here?"
A couple days ago I was doing yard work and I tripped and fell and broke my wrist. It’s in a cast and will be for at least 4 weeks. I work full time in person about 30 minutes away from home. I took the last two days off from work but I need to go back on Monday.
I can’t drive my car because it is stick shift and the wrist I broke is on the arm I use to shift. I can’t grab the shifter to change gears, so I can’t drive it. My husband drives an automatic and while it wouldn’t be the greatest thing, I could drive it.
I asked him if he would mind switching cars with me until I am able to shift gears again. He said no because he doesn’t like driving my car. I taught him how and he’s used it before, he just doesn’t like it. So I asked if he would drive me to and from work, at least a few times per week. He also said no because he doesn’t want to wake up early.
He works 3 shifts per week in the evenings. I would be home with his car before he had to leave for work. He would also have time to drive me home from work without being late for work. I am also the breadwinner and we need the money I make from working. He told me I should just uber, but it would be at least $60 per day and I can’t afford that.
I feel unsupported. I get the situation sucks, but a couple years ago when his car wasn’t working, I let him use my car. He worked more back then, 5 days per week. So I let him use it to go to work and also to go out with friends and stuff.
So I feel I am not being reciprocated. He doesn’t owe me for that, but also he isn’t willing to help me out with this and the inconvenience for letting me use his car is much less for him because he’d be sleeping when I was using it. Where do I go from here? Am I asking or expecting for too much?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He needs to step up or gtfo. Tell him he’s being immature and lame and if he doesn’t let you use his car you’ll just take time off from work and he can pay all the bills. Considering you do all the yard work, it shouldn’t be a big ask.
The bar is seriously in hell with this one.
ThrowRAbrokendriver (OP)
We can’t make it on just his income alone. And I won’t be able to pay my part in full if I have to spend $60 per day for uber. I don’t know what he expects to happen. I also don’t do all the yardwork, I was just doing some and fell. I was picking up sticks and leaves from the winter so he could mow the lawn.
He kind of does owe you, though, because a marriage is a partnership. He does need to step up here.
Why are you asking. Tell him. "I have a broken wrist, I can't drive a stick and I'm taking your car."
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
I got a lot of advice on my last post. Some helpful, some not. A lot of people slammed him for not working more. I want to clear that up. He was working the same amount of hours as I was. Sometimes more. But his hours got cut at work. He’s been looking for a new job or second one, but hasn’t had much luck. I know he has been looking and putting in effort. That’s not an issue.
But I sat down with him and said that we really need to talk about this, because I had to go to work today (Monday). I sat down and told him I get he is having a hard time with his hours being cut and trying navigate the job market. But I have a good job and I need to get there. And I can’t afford to uber a car while I heal. We need to find a solution.
He kept talking in circles with the same reasons I mentioned in the last post. I don’t know exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of “that is not good enough for me. I don’t accept those reasons and I don’t think they’re true. What is the actual reason? We are married and partners, why am I left hanging like this?”
He finally told me the truth. Since his hours got cut, he hasn’t been maintaining his car. He had savings and maintained his car when he worked more, but when his hours got cut, he started using his savings to pay his part of the bills. And when it ran low, he finally let me readjust our spending. I pushed for it from the start, but he refused.
But when his savings ran low, his car started having problems and he couldn’t afford to fix it. He needs new tires. He needs new brakes. The AC stopped working. And he also is well overdue for an oil change. He used to keep up with this stuff, but hasn’t because he is low on money.
He was ashamed and didn’t want me to use his car or ride in it because he didn’t want me to know how bad it was. He was embarrassed so he never brought it up. So he has been driving an unsafe car and didn’t want me to drive it.
After a very long talk, we came to a solution. I will buy him used tires. They need to be done, but can wait a week as we look and get this set up. Yesterday we replaced the brake pads and do an oil change.
I couldn’t physically help, but I read him steps and look at things when he wasn’t sure. His dad also helped over FaceTime. Between our brains, we figured it out. We decided not to mess with the AC because that’s a comfort thing and not necessary, especially during this time of year.
So in all, he was having a private struggle I wasn’t aware of. I usually don’t go in his car, so I never noticed. And this morning, he drove me to and from work. And either he will drive me or I will drive myself, with his permission. Depends on the day.
I knew he was struggling with the lack of income and I have been pushing and pushing for him to let me do more. But he held out due to pride. And his car suffered. And honestly, I think I might do the same thing.
I still feel a bit betrayed and the trust has eroded a bit. But at the same time, I also feel like I got closer to him. It’s a weird feeling I can’t fully explain. But in the end, I can get to work with his help.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
How is his car being unsafe a barrier to him driving her to work in her own car? « Not wanting to get up early » to support your injured wife is an apalling excuse. Putting his pride before his wife’s comfort and ability to earn a living (that they both dearly need btw) is nothing to congratulate him on.
Wait so he was nasty to his sick wife because he cared more about his pride? She had to literally beg him to communicate what was going on. And this is supposed to be a win for the relationship?
What an interesting and unique interpretation of marriage.
Pride and lying can kill a relationship as quickly as cruelty. Unless your husband sees that sharing burdens are the only way to success as a married couple he will sabotage your future.
Maybe this is why I’m single but I truly cannot imagine being married and not being able to share with my partner that I’m / we are going through money issues. Isn’t marriage about partnership? Sharing life’s positives and burdens with your person?