'AITA here? I was broken up with by my fiancé because I didn't want his last name.'
"AITA here? I was broken up with by my fiancé because I didn't want his last name."
I have dated Brad for 3 years been engaged for 1. We are a great couple and don't have many fights or low periods. About 2 years ago Brad and I were talking about marriage and he asked if I would take his last name. I said that I would and that was that. It wasn't a serious conversation and that question was certainly not the overall topic of the conversation at the time.
Now I should say I've worked in a small office with 4 other women. There is no one else around so we have all grown closer together over the last 7 months that I have worked there. We chat about a lot of topics.
I will admit that 1 of these women is somewhat active and vocal. Some of her views I would consider extreme in certain issues. However they are all great people and we get along well. I also want to point out that my fiancee Brad is also quite progressive too.
The ladies at work ( all but one have been married) and I were talking about the last name change. 2 of them had mix ups and told me the nightmare stories of the bureaucracy they had to deal with. There was some talk about the old school ideas surrounding name changes and how it's not really expected in today's society.
I did some thinking and decided that given the hassle, the fact that Brad and I haven't ever really talked about it and after giving some thought to wanting to preserve my heritage and connections to my family that I would keep my last name.
So I told Brad about it and we talked for a short amount of time about it. He seemed to understand where I was coming from but said he wanted some time to think it over.
I told the ladies at work and they were all telling me to prepare to defend my points. One in particular ( Lisa) was very adamant that I should stick to my guns. Looking up data and they just were so certain this wasn't a big deal. Now I know they don't have any skin in the game and I took what they said with a grain of salt but I will begrudgingly admit they got me fired up some.
So as you might imagine Brad and I had that talk. He pointed out how important it was for him for me to take his last name and I was prepared with many of the talking points ( of which I agreed with) that I shouldn't have to. I won't go into that conversation here because I don't want to misquote.
But essentially he said it was important to him and that he always wanted to share his last name with his wife and I brought up a lot of counter points centered around the hassle, possible divorce, feminism etc. At the end of this talk I felt like I had proven my point so much better than he had his.
So that brings us to this week. We had to spend a week apart for reasons that are entirely irrelevant to this. But we had a phone call where I was shellshocked by what happened. He basically said he wants to call off the engagement and break up with me. It was a terrible call and I was in shock over it that I don't recall it too clearly.
Two days later we had a text exchange. I really didn't think this was a hill to die on or a dealbreaker. I tried to backtrack and tell him that if it was so important to him then I would gladly take his last name I just wanted to be with him. This is what he said:
"You had originally agreed to take my last name. You changed your mind and I feel that it was in large part due to the ladies you work with. Now you are free to change your mind whenever you want.
However I can't see myself marrying a woman who allows others to influence her so much. You are slowly changing and this is just the final bullet to that point. I expect my wife to care more about my feelings than those of her co workers.
Furthermore even if I am offbase with that statement the simple fact remains that I told you how important this was to me and you countered with the hassle of it and ideologies. On one hand is the importance and needs of your soon to be husband and on the other all the reasons you gave. You made a choice, you chose those reasons over me.
Even if you take my last name now do i want a wife that will select convenience over her husbands feelings? I love you and want the best for you. I wish you wanted what I wanted. When we talked about this you were coming at me like you were in a national debate team.
I not once felt like you were actually listening to me, I only felt like you were looking for ways to tear my words apart or counter them. I can't marry a woman who doesn't genuinely have any empathy or respect for me. I wish you the best. I will always love you.”
Then he blocked me. I will be back in our town tomorrow. I really want to make this work. I don't know if I can but I want to put this behind us. I really didn't understand how strongly he felt about this.
I think am planning on talking to him tomorrow. I just don't know exactly what to say. I know its my right to take or not take any last name I want when I marry. I know my reasons are solid.
I just didn't realize that this would kill my relationship. I love him and I want to be with him. Please give me some insight into what to say to work through this. I feel so guilty. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You're allowed not to want to change your name. He is allowed to not want to marry you. Breakups suck. But you'll find somebody who better matches your beliefs.
It's over.
You need to move on.
I'm going to take a stance different from what I'm seeing here and saying you may be the AH. Not for changing your mind but potentially for how you communicated. It seemed like you went in with intention of getting your way not from the stance of trying to understand each other.
That's not a team centric approach and marriage is agreeing to be life long teammates. I have no clue how that conversation went and how he approached his side but judging from his response and your phrasing of "At the end of this talk I felt like I had proven my point so much better than he had his." It seems like you didn't act like a teammate.
It sounds to me like for your fiancée this was just the last straw. He feels like you’ve changed in other ways since being influenced by these other people in your life. Maybe you need to sit back and take a real deep dive into your life the last 7 months. Not to make things work with your fiancée but to see if you’ve changed as much as he thinks you have and if you like you! I think you need some soul searching!
NTA - your views shifted and you shared that with him. You may have heard perspectives that you hadn’t thought of before. Many women are conditioned to think they need to take their husbands last name… conditioned without thought because it’s “what’s done”.
True feminism is the freedom to choose. You want to take his name? Great. You don’t? That’s just fine too. If this is such a sticking point for him then you two have just grown apart. It hurts but better to know now.
I told my husband 20 years ago that I didn’t plan to change my last name (same thing, I love my last name). Guess what he said, “that’s fine. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?” He knew I was going to be his wife and that’s all he cared about.