'AITA for telling my mom she is also to blame for why my brother and I won't host our parents for the holidays?'
"AITA for telling my mom she is also to blame for why my brother and I won't host our parents for the holidays?"
Last Christmas was my brother’s first holiday not living at home with our parents. He wanted to host everyone in his new apartment. Also around this time last year, my parents had mutually agreed not to get each other gifts as they were focusing on paying off some debt.
Apparently, there was some miscommunication. My dad thought this meant no gifts at all. My mom thought this meant no gifts, but that they would still exchange stockings.
In our family, stockings are always small stuff: body care, candy, you get the picture. I was living with my parents last year and I had heard all the discussions. I honestly saw both sides when on Christmas morning, we all woke up and mom didn’t have her stocking filled from dad.
She was very quiet but clearly hurt. He ran out to the pharmacy quickly bought some things to fill her stocking, saying he was sorry. Now, should my dad have communicated better? Sure. Do I understand my mom’s hurt by the situation? Also sure. But I thought they’d be able to swallow it all for lunch at my brother’s.
We go and my dad is doing his best to make up for his blunder. My mom is in a terrible mood and keeps picking at him all day long. Toward the end of our time there, she ended up making a snarky remark about my dad not filling her stocking.
My dad flipped out and started screaming that nothing he does is enough, then stormed out. My brother was clearly upset by having Christmas ruined by their arguing. I convinced my mom we should leave not long after.
My brother and I were upset with both of them. My dad shouldn’t have flipped out and screamed. My mom also should’ve kept her comments to herself or spoken to my dad later.
My brother was embarrassed as his roommate had come home and while he was in his room, he overheard the arguing. My brother stopped having my parents over all together after that, though he’d still invite me. My brother would also visit us at my parents’ place.
Thanksgiving is fast approaching and we were all trying to coordinate plans. I recently got my own place but honestly don’t want to host after last year. My brother said he’s never hosting another holiday at his apartment again.
My mom was hurt by this, but eventually we all just planned to have dinner at my parents’ place. Later on, my mom was complaining to me that my brother won’t have us over anymore, feeling pushed out.
She said it was my dad’s fault, and she shouldn’t be punished. I told her while my dad was wrong for screaming, she chose to be whiny all day long. I clarified that I understood her hurt, but she also partially ruined the day by not letting it go.
My mom got mad at me and accused me of taking sides. I said I’m not. If Dad complained, I’d tell him the same, but he seems to understand that he ruined it. I also pointed out that neither of them ever apologized to my brother and I’m not confident they’d never do it again. My mom says I’m in the wrong for how I spoke to her. Am I the AH here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You made the best point of all. Neither apologized to your brother. ( you also mention you think this situation could happen again). It kind of says all we (as the internet) needs to know about your parents.
NTA. You're, in fact, being the voice of reason. It reminds me of when kids have a spat, there's usually an adult to make them stop, think, express and then work on solving things and apologizing. You're acting the adult, and your mom is acting the bratty kid.... Who got a time out.
It doesn’t sound to me like your dad is originally responsible for the failure in communication. He was told no gifts so he got no gifts. Mom then apparently made an addendum that said well you know I’m gonna fill your stocking and he was not notified. Based on her reaction she definitely seems like the guilty party.
She then proceeds to ruin Christmas for the rest of the whole family by picking at him all day in front of even your brother’s roommate and now she’s complaining again because she’s welcome anywhere.
No, you are NTA . I wouldn’t be going out of my way to invite them to my house either. You should’ve told your mom exactly what you told her plus the fact that she failed to communicate clearly in the beginning.
Has she communicated clearly to your father what the expectations were regarding gifts he wouldn’t have screwed it up. And it definitely seems like it was a matter of her communicating to him because if it had been his idea in the first place, it would’ve been her that screwed up by getting gifts for the stockings.
OMG thank you for saying this bc I feel like the Dad got pushed and guilt tripped so bad! I feel bad for him but he should have apologized to his son. OP your mom is a really piece of work. Does she ever stop complaining? And no gifts doesn't mean a light gift giving or less gifts. No means no! It's like she set him up to fail.
NTA. Your mother is proving your point with her behavior towards you about this. She refuses to take resposability for her part in the situation, and takes any mention of her being responsible for her own behavior as "taking your father's side". I'd point that out and tell her than when she can be a grown up and be accountable for her own behaviors you might consider hosting her.
NTA but your mom clearly lacks insight. She has a victim mentality. The fact that she stands by the belief that your dad is responsible for the drama demonstrates her inability to understand her part in this and give grace in their relationship d/t this miscommunication.
This is deeper than the one miscommunication about stockings- your parents likely need therapy to address all their other deep rooted issues, if they plan to stay together in the long term. It's likely clouding their ability to recognize the hurt that you and your brother are experiencing.
If they're strong enough to go through with it, maybe you guys can some day consider hosting again. It'd be a worthwhile investment, since I imagine if you or your brother plan on expanding your families someday, everyone would want to have a welcoming environment without arguments.