'AITA for telling my brother and SIL to not announce her pregnancy at my wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting my brother and SIL to announce her pregnancy at my wedding?"

So i (21f) am getting married in a week to my SO (25m). we got engaged almost two years ago and through that we've had some issues with my brother and SIL. let's call my brother adam and my SIL maddie. so when we first got engaged maddie had announced her miscarriage at our engagement dinner.

i am a people pleaser so i never mentioned it after it happened, however she did steal all the attention. i had invited her to go wedding dress shopping with me and she had announced her other miscarriage. it put a damper on the whole day and they had invited her out to drink without me which i was okay with. fast forward to two(ish) months ago at the end of march they had told me they were expecting.

i was obviously super stocked about it because they had struggled for a while and they deserve it. however at the end of our visit my fiancé had mentioned that the next family gathering were going to have is our wedding in june. at first i was confused were he was going with this but then it dawned on me that they were going to use our wedding for their announcement.

we didn't bring it up in hopes they would never think to do that but the next day maddie called and asked if she could announce her pregnancy at our wedding. i was so livid i did lash out. (i am not proud of it) i told her that she always finds a way to make everything about her and it gets old. my fiancé calmed me down and we didn't communicate for a whole week.

my parents were visiting me one day and i had brought up the situation and they understood why i was pissed off but said i should suck it up. i got mad and said if they were going to do that they didn't get to come to my wedding and my parents told me i was being selfish.

i've never loved having attention on me but i have always dreamed of having a wedding day being about me and my fiancé and not having any other distractions. i have always taken my adam and maddie's BS and i don't have the mental strength to do it anymore. i don't want to be rude by uninviting them but they won't back down.

they told pretty much everyone in our social circle and most are on our side but some are saying i'm being an @$$hole and that my wedding day isn't just about me. throughout the whole wedding process i've been accommodating and made sure i don't ask for too much and i understand other peoples lives don't stop because it's my wedding. but i do just want my one day to be about me and the man i love.

so AITA? should i just let them announce their pregnancy to keep the "peace"?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

momof21976 said:

Petty me says to announce it for them on FB.

PlentyHopeful263 said:

NTA. Your wedding day IS supposed to be just about you and your fiancé. Announce it for them before hand. Like at your rehearsal dinner. Make a speech thanking everyone for being there and their hard work in helping/being apart of the wedding. Then " I would also like to especially thank brother and SIL for being here. I know it was probably more stressful with the pregnancy."

RiverBlueMine said:

You are NOT being selfish. It’s really wrong for people to step into the forefront at someone else’s wedding/engagement. Totally disrespectful. You stated your wish that they don’t use this ONE day for themselves, but to allow you and your fiancé to have one this day.

Anyone that takes their side is being an enabling ****. Stand your ground. You’ll learn who has your best interest at heart. DON’T forget that…… Congratulations!!!🎉 🎂

Historical-Composer2 said:

NTA. Who TF announces a miscarriage at an engagement party?! WTAF? Sounds like she can‘t stand not being the center of attention.

1.) You don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding 2.) You don’t propose to someone at someone else’s wedding 3.) You don’t announce your pregnancy at someone else’s wedding

I would, in no uncertain terms, make sure they both know if they do announce their pregnancy they will be asked to leave. Your parents are wrong.

And dncrmom said:

Your wedding day isn’t just about you? It is ONLY about you & your new husband, that is the entire point. Announce it at your rehearsal dinner that you are so happy for them & your future niece or nephew, so they don’t ruin the wedding.

A week later, OP shared this update:

so throughout my whole childhood i knew i wasn’t the golden child. anytime i wanted something they would say “no i ask for to much” or “stop being greedy”. my brother got handed things on a silver platter whenever he wanted. i met maddie when i was 12 and she was 15.

we immediately got close and i was so excited to have a friend that was older and more mature. she would take advantage of me in minor ways because i’ve always been a people pleaser. i’ve always accepted i wasn’t going to be anyone’s first choice so when i met maddie i let her walk all over me in fear of losing a “friend”. eventually i met my fiancé christian (i am using his real name) when i was 18.

we started dating when i was 19 and the rest is history as they say. when he first met my parents he said the had a odd way of showing that they loved me. i just nodded in agreement because what the hell do i say. a few weeks after he met my parents i opened up about my childhood and how i always felt unwanted and was scared of losing him. eventually his parents sort of became my parents.

supportive of every decision and would just treat me like i was their own. he purposed and we chose not to rush into the wedding planning. at this point my brother and best friend had been married for a year. my brother is 28 and my SIL just turned 25. they had been trying for a baby and had appointments on to of appointments to figure out what was wrong.

they never found anything wrong with either of them she just has a hard time conceiving. i was there for every appointment when my brother couldn’t make it and she confided in me when she was at her lowest. when she announced to the family that she was pregnant i was ecstatic because no one deserves to have a hard time getting pregnant.

then we had our engagement party and while we were going around and saying what we were grateful for she stood up and said “i have an announcement, we’ve lost the baby”. i didn’t want to be rude so i told her how sorry we were and the whole dinner became about her and my brother.

i pulled my brother to the side and was like wtf! he said she wasn’t going to do it this early (meaning she was still going to) and he would talk to her. the next morning when i woke up she had texted me once and the message said that she thought i was a better friend. i instantly felt bad so i called her and we had talked for an hour. everything was well.

then we went wedding dress shopping she was perfectly fine throughout the day. not sad or like she wanted to cry. then when i started getting compliments from my MIL she stood up and announced she had miscarried. my heart sank because i genuinely felt bad for her. the rest of the day it was all about her and her miscarried baby. i had even said yes to my wedding dress that day and no one cared.

i felt sad about it but i’ll live. the next day i had mentioned it to my brother and he said that not everything is about you and that i should start feeling more. i felt bad but i couldn’t relate and i wasn’t going to pretend i did.

i hung up feeling defeated after he berated and belittled me about how selfish i was being and he even said he hopes when i get pregnant some day i lose that baby so i know how it feels. i cried the rest of the day and didn’t talk to any of my family for a week.

when i finally brought it up to my other family members they understood were i was coming from but they had all agreed i could’ve let her grieved without the call to my brother. when i told my parents they said that they would talk to him because what he said to me was disrespectful. i already knew they wouldn’t talk to him but i had a sliver of hope they would.

anyway so come to my wedding week and this whole thing has blown up. when they first asked if they could announce their pregnancy at my wedding i though they were joking or still on a high about finally being pregnant. they were in fact being deadass. my parents knew about the pregnancy as well as maddie’s parents (who will not be attending my wedding) that’s pretty much it.

she’s also told some of her closer friends but she wanted to announce it to my side of the family as well as my husbands side who will most likely not give a flying crap. not that they don’t think pregnancy is a blessing but they don’t know sh!t about her. in total about 10, including me and my fiancé, people know about her being pregnant.

a lot of people recommend that i post it on FB or make a group chat and while i love those ideas i am not brave enough to do it. i did however ask if i could talk to her and this is pretty much how our conversation went. i brought up the situation and she was trying to gaslight me into thinking that most of the day will be about me but then people will leave knowing that she is pregnant.

how i needed to stop being jealous about her pregnancy. so on and so forth. it didn’t go as planned so i just said you can come and keep your mouth shut or you’ll both be disinvited. those were the only two options i gave her and then i stood up and left. my brother and mom called me later that day and my brother said they will be coming and they will be announcing whatever they want to.

when my mom called i was scared she’d be on my brothers side but she finally saw my side of things and she didn’t realize how bad things have gotten. my mom talked to them the next day on the phone and was trying to convince them to do it a different day or the day after my wedding. which is fine because by then it’ll be our honeymoon and not a day we share with everyone.

they said they’d “sit on it” but barely an hour later they said no. i chose to disinvite them from my wedding and i talked to one of my dads brothers who i am very close with and told him about the pregnancy.

he’s petty as hell so i was nervous he would do something over the top and embarrass them but instead he simply put together a group chat and said “we thank everyone for participating and attending me and my fiancés wedding and that we unfortunately won’t be seeing adam and maddie at my wedding due to pregnancy related things.”

that was his message and he was the only one who got calls. they didn’t know i told him and i got away from that issue. i will update you all when my wedding has passed (next week) and let you know is how things went. as of right now they won’t be attending but they may show up. thanks everyone who gave me advice in the comments and made me feel better about being a little selfish for me and my fiancé!!