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Woman hides 3yo son from his father because she 'didn't want him to grow up spoiled.' AITA?

Woman hides 3yo son from his father because she 'didn't want him to grow up spoiled.' AITA?

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"AITA for saying “this is exactly why she never told you about him” to my brother about his son?"

icy_elk78

My nephew is 3 years old and we only found about him a few months ago. Obviously, the last few months have been rough on all of us, but especially my brother who I think was in shock and denial for the longest time.

One of the big reasons his ex didn’t tell my brother about their son was because she didn’t want him to grow up spoiled and entitled like most of my family. My parents also really hated her and did a lot to try and get my brother to dump her.

For example, my dad had her fired from her grad job and I think he was the reason she couldn’t get another one in that field. For the longest time. So, she was scared of how they would react if they knew.

My nephew turned 3 right around the time we found out so we weren’t able to celebrate and his ex would only accept one small gift from my brother for him. So, my family is belatedly celebrating his birthday and they’re going all out.

My brother has bought more toys than one kid needs and is talking about taking him to Disney even though there’s no way in hell his ex would let him take my nephew abroad.

Anyway we were talking about the party yesterday and I told my brother we should tone it down and he shouldn’t give his son that many gifts in one go because it’ll upset his ex and most likely overwhelm my nephew whose life has already been flipped upside down.

I think, for my nephew’s sake, it would be best if we work with his ex because we’re all going to be connected forever now. So, there’s no point fighting or holding onto grudges. My brother disagreed and said he wouldn’t let his ex dictate his relationship with his son.

I was going to explain why fighting with her wouldn’t be good for my nephew but our cousins were all siding with him and being cruel to me for defending her. They think I’m only siding with her because she was one of my best friends and I’m trying to be friends with her again.

I do want her as a friend but that’s besides the point. I was irritated because they were ganging up on me and in the heat of the moment I said “This is exactly why she never told you about him” to my brother. He didn’t say anything but my cousins tore me to shreds.

My brother has barely spoken to me since and for some reason our family is now convinced I knew about my nephew all along when I absolutely didn’t. My brother is also being so nasty to his ex now when he wasn’t before and I think it’s because he’s taking his anger at me out on her. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's post:

InannasPocket

NTA. You spoke the truth - your brother feeling entitled that his ex doesn't get any say in how he interacts with their child sounds like precisely why she concealed that info from him.

The very first opportunity he had, he showed that he would not respect her boundaries. I'm also guessing that him being an ahole who doesn't respect her wishes is related to why the are exes - most parole don't want to become single parents with no involvement or support from the other parent without any reason.

Early_Fill6545

So it sounds like your family is pretty affluent and the X didn’t care and just wanted to stay away. Yeah I think the X will be a wonderful mother you a good aunt your brother a less than ideal father and your parents the grandparents from hell!

ResoluteMuse

How did the family find out about the child?

The OP responded here:

icy_elk78

A friend of hers told my brother.

KnotYourFox

I hope she drops that friend like a sack of rocks and runs. Your brother sounds horrible.

The OP again responded:

icy_elk78

I don't think she knows that's how we found out. I would tell her but given the situation I doubt she'll believe me right now...My brother isn't a horrible person. He's had a huge bomb dropped on him and his emotions are all over the place.

It doesn't help that everyone is feeding his anger by constantly telling him it's all her fault and she's some evil witch who did this to be spiteful. I know once he gets his emotions in check he'll see reason and do what's best for his son.

He actually blamed himself when he first found out because he was "a bastard" (his words) to her when he broke up with her so part of him knows this isn't all of her fault.

DiTrastevere

A sliver of self-awareness isn’t worth much when he’s treating both you and his ex atrociously. She’s not going to give a shit if he knows he’s an asshole if he’s still being an ahole. His character lives in his behavior, not his internal monologue.

Plantsnob

NTA, more then likely the ex didn't say anything because your family sounds really abusive and she was scared of them. It sounds like upon learning about the kid their first priority is to steamroll her and do what they want.

Can you change them? Probably not but you can support her as best you can. I'm not sure what country you are in but maybe help her look at the laws there and getting a custody agreement done.

Mbt_Omega

NTA, but I’m genuinely curious how you developed any concept of morality growing up in a family that is so clearly pure evil. Your father’s actions towards the ex are cartoonishly villainous. Honestly, I wouldn’t want my child exposed to anyone like any of you, with the possible exclusion of you, OP.

So, what do you think? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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