Sibling defends widowed brother as parents demand he find his kids a new mother; 'I told them they would lose him forever.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my parents they'll lose my brother if they can't accept he doesn't want to date after losing his wife?"
My brother (34m) became a widower 8 years ago and since then he has remained single and has expressed he does not wish to date or marry again. He has two children with his late wife who are 13 and 11 (about to be 12).
For about four years now my parents have questioned why he doesn't try to meet a nice woman or why he isn't finding more lady friends to spend time with, to quote them. His answer has always been he does not wish to find anyone else.
My brother did attend grief therapy for a number of years. My parents refuse to believe it did what it was meant to because if it had "he'd be re-married long before now" and that's their stance.
For a while now they have been pushier about the topic. They have expressed to him that he should have looked to give the kids a mother figure far sooner and they told him all the reasons he should have remarried.
Including the fact he and his late wife had wanted five kids and he has two but could have more with another wife. He told them he didn't want children with another woman and he didn't want another wife or girlfriend or lover.
They have pleaded with him to at least date, to date one woman or multiple women but to have a romantic life again. I'm in my brother's corner and I told our parents they needed to leave it alone and he's an adult who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions.
They said he's not doing what's best for him and I shouldn't be supporting him in martyring himself for the rest of his life and it's unhealthy to commit to only loving one person when they died so young. They said he has so much life left and he's ruined the chances for the kids to have a second mom but he could still grow his family and find another love.
I told them they could want that for him, they could wish it, but they could not force it. I told them they need to respect him enough as an adult to accept his choice even if they don't like it.
And I reminded them of the fact things could change in the future but it wouldn't be right to force it and could cause more pain for him and a partner. After a particularly nasty fight when they pushed him he said he'd be taking some time and he didn't want to hear from them unless it was an apology.
Once my brother was gone I told our parents they were pushing him away. They started to argue but I didn't let them finish. I told them I know they love my brother and I know they want what they think is best for him but he disagrees about what's best for him.
And I pointed out yet again that he's an adult. I said if they keep pushing the topic they will lose him. He will pull away forever and he won't accept an apology or give them a second chance. He will shut the door and refuse to see them because they will not let it go.
I told them he tries to change the topic so it doesn't end in a fight but they always bring it back. That he has tried walking away but they follow. I told them the next logical step is he'll stop speaking to them and I asked them if that was really what they want.
My parents said the way I framed things made it sound as though I wanted him to stop speaking to them. They said it sounded like I'd encourage it. And they said it doesn't allow for their love and concern for him being alone. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
What is this, the 1800s and he needs to Find A Wife Again real quick? I'm sorry your parents are being such jerks about this. Sounds like your brother has made the right decisions for himself and his family. You are NTA.
NTA. Your parents need to butt out. They will lose him if they don’t, you are correct. He is a grown man raising children on his own. He doesn’t want “another woman” he wants his wife and she’s gone. If your parents can’t accept that, that’s their problem and he shouldn’t allow it to be his.
Definitely NTA. I’m glad you’re supporting your brother in this decision. Some people just don’t date after a spouses death and that’s totally ok. Your brother will continue to heal on his own time and your parents seriously need to respect that. I’m sure if god forbid the shoe was on the other foot they wouldn’t dream of replacing each other either. I’m sorry they can’t see past that and respect your brothers wishes.
NTA. Your parents are wrong even though they're coming from a place of care and wanting best for their child. They have to understand that your brother's a grown man and they have raised him to be independent and make decisions for his own.
They should believe in values they have instilled in both of you and must respect the decision of your brother. I hope your parents understand soon and may your brother would not loose more of his family! Also I respect your brother for his fierce loyalty and love for his wife! 🙌
NTA. Your brother gets to decide is and when he wants to date again. I would never voice my opinion on such a thing unless I was asked directly.
NTA. Your parents can't put a timeline on grief. Also, your brother has other priorities. The idea that he can only "experience a full life" is to find another partner is outdated. There's a good chance he'll meet someone else at some point in life. But right now it sounds like he's focused on his kids without the complication of introducing another woman into the mix.
To play devil's advocate, maybe he doesn't want to introduce another woman to his kids is because he doesn't want to risk them possibly losing another mother figure so young in life. Might be easier for him to date once they're older and out of the house. Either way, your parents need to chill out.
NTA. You’re 100% right in your assessment of the situation. It’s just a shame that your parents aren’t able to accept reality. Hopefully, with any luck, the current round of low contact will snap them back to reality.