Brother-of-the-groom refuses to be the wedding videographer, 'It'd be like I was the staff.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to film my brother's wedding?"
I (27M) have a brother Rob (30M). We aren't close. We fought a lot as kids, he wound me up and took the piss. He hated me being around his friends, ignored me at school and ignored me in the pub when we were teenagers. Nowadays we're civil and can have a laugh but if we're together more than a day the insults and piss-take will start.
I got married last year. My best friend was Best Man and I had six other friends, Rob and my BIL as Ushers all in matching wedding suits. When I first told my parents about the wedding my dad said "So Rob will be the Best Man?" Typical dad, thinks his sons are best mates.
I said no but it made me think I should give Rob a proper role. When I told Rob my news I asked him to be an Usher and also to make a speech. I invited him on my Stag Do and he attended.
At the wedding, Rob and his fiancee were seated near the Top Table with people they knew and got on with. He loved giving a speech and took delight in telling embarrassing stories. I expected this and took it in good humor.
Rob's getting married soon. Best friend is Best Man. Six friends and his future BIL have been asked to be Ushers. They are going for suit fittings soon.I have not been asked to be an Usher nor to wear the proper suit.
I have not been invited to his Stag Do, but his future BIL and FIL were. On the seating plan my wife and are on the table furthest from the Top Table with much older guests who we don't know.
Hurt? Yes. Surprised? No, this is typical of how he's treated me all my life. I made one remark to my parents that it was clear I wouldn't be involved much in the wedding but didn't make an issue of it.
2 days later I got a message from Rob. "Mum tells me you're whingeing about the wedding. Don't worry, we'll find you a job." (I know my mum would not have said I was whingeing).
Next time I saw them his fiancee said they want me to film their wedding for them. They'd buy a decent camera and some editing software so I could make them a beautiful memento of their day. All this was said with a beaming smile like I was being given the best job in the world.
I was clearly being asked as an afterthought and to give me a "role". It would be like I was staff, working all day. Videography isn't my thing. I don't accept the argument that all you have to do is point a camera the right way.
It's a task that requires skills I don't have. I would struggle with editing it afterwards and that would be hours of work. It would look amateurish and I know that Rob would use that to take the piss out of me for the rest of our lives like he already does with other stuff.
I said I could accept not being asked to be an Usher, not being included in the suits and not being asked on the Stag Do. I could even accept being sat as far away from the rest of the family as possible with people I don't know.
But I can't accept being demoted to unpaid staff doing a job that has only been offered to me as an afterthought. I then left. Rob has messaged me calling me an AH. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Some-Selection1811 said:
NTA. That sucks. I'm so sorry this is the brother you have. Do not take pictures or film their wedding. They are setting you up for failure. They want your wedding gift and contribution to be material for them to torment you indefinitely. Sounds like the happy couple are too childish and spiteful to make a success of marriage. But that thankfully is not your problem.
DragoBrokeMe said:
NTA. Your brother loves to bully you. There's really nothing else to say. You're 30 and 27 and he hasn't slowed down so it's clear he's going to do this for the rest of your lives. Why bother having a relationship with him at all beyond what is absolutely necessary?
You're completely correct on videography by the way. Not only would you do an amateurish job (because you're an amateur!) that would be more fuel for bullying, but you'd basically be working the entire wedding. They aren't going to want the video to stop during the dancing for instance. You'd basically do a full day's work for no pay.
I'd attend, do your own thing and then after the wedding I'd go as low-contact as possible. The best thing you can say about him is "keep it civil and have a laugh" can last for a day but you can do that with anyone in a pub after 5 minutes so what are you even getting out of this?
MerryMoose923 said:
NTA. No matter what you do, that video is never going to be good enough for Rob. Just don't do it. Pour it on thick to Rob and his fiance: "I know I wouldn't be able to do justice to your special day because my skills just aren't up to the task.
You deserve a special video! Please just hire someone who can give you exactly what you want." Let Rob and his fiance hire someone, and just go to the wedding as a guest.
Background-Interview said:
NTA. I wouldn’t bother even going tbh. Rob drew the line in the sand as to what he thinks of you. Go do something enriching with your wife that day. The money you would spend on a gift, clothes and gas - put that into a relationship worth having. Not even having you at a close table. Brutal. What a prick.
AethericOwl said:
NTA. I'd book a nice vacation for myself and my wife the day of his wedding. Somewhere several hours away, possibly out of state/country. Have a grand old time, post all the pictures you like on FB, and then block your AH brother and never pay him any mind except shared family gatherings again.
tiffani_starr said:
NTA. Your brother sounds like a prick to be honest. Also, what kind of absolute buffoon would have someone who has no experience in videography video the wedding? That is a hard, tasking, long job that is usually very expensive.
Like not asking you to usher or be in the bridal party is one thing, but what an absolute git to not sit you close with those you are familiar with and excluding you from the stag do. Like at what point does it go from just taking the piss to actually just being a mean spirited person?