"AITA for telling people my brother’s ‘private story’ to try to save my reputation?"

This happened to me like 8 months ago but has been weighing on me. I’ve always been a lurker here, so I made an account to see what others think. My brother Tim isn’t technically my brother. He’s my cousin. My parents became his guardians when he was 3 then eventually adopted him.

He and I are 4 months apart in age and we grew up very close. We were best friends. He’s gay and felt comfortable coming out to me when we were 12-ish, our parents a little while later and then to everyone on his 16th birthday.

Fast forward to last year. His biological father Ray reached out to him and they met for lunch after not seeing or talking for 25+ years. When I asked Tim how it went, he didn’t want to talk about it. So I let it go, figuring he would open up when he was ready. Within a week, I started hearing from family that Tim had told Ray that Tim and I had been having an elicit affair for years.

After asking Tim about it, he said Ray asked him if he was gay and he panicked - that’s the lie he blurted out to try to hide being gay for some reason. Somehow the lie made it to our friends. They were horrified and angry and wanted to know if it was true. I explained to them what happened with Ray and why Tim said that. They got it and felt bad, and apologized for coming at me so aggressively.

Tim was furious that I told them the truth and said I was the “most selfish, evil person” for telling them his “private story.” Our parents said they understood why I did it but said I shouldn’t have. I’m still upset he said the lie in the first place. AITA?

Edit from OP:

For how my friends found out about this, my parents have a large group of friends, and they’ve all known each other since they were in their early 20s or so. Ray was in that friend group. Some of my friends are the children of my parents’ friends. Ray came back into town for the first time in a while and decided to reconnect.

He told one of those friends and the lie spread down to one of my friends. So that’s how they found out.

PS I’m a girl, sorry that wasn’t clear. Also, we live in a pretty liberal area in the northeast US, not the south

PPS Just because there’s been some confusion (I realize this story is twisted and difficult to follow), I didn’t out him to my friends. They already knew he was gay. The “private story” (his phrase, not mine) was that I told them about the conversation he had with his biological dad.

He said I should have told him it was a joke that didn’t land or that his biological dad is crazy — which I didn’t think of at the time, and I don’t like lying to my friends.

She later shared this update:

I forwarded the email last night to most of our immediate family members, and some distant family and friends who are known to be big mouths. My BF and aunt also helped out by forwarding it. I sent it in full and unedited, which is relevant because in the email he also said mean things about other people.

For example, calling someone fat, nastily referring to someone as infertile, and making fun of someone else for being poor, which is rich considering he pays his bills by going to the bank of mom & dad. There was a lot of outrage all around to say the least.

Someone pointed out to me that they believe he has narcissistic personality disorder. I’ve done a lot of reading about that today and wow, yeah. He must. I also sent this thread to our parents. I wanted them to know how much their lack of support hurt me and our relationship, and that a lot of people on here commenting think they handled this situation horribly.

Maybe they have a better understanding of this now since you’re all objective strangers who don’t have a dog in this race. Dad did say Tim needs to get his life together or else he’ll end up just like Ray and that he wouldn’t be around to watch it happen. He also said that he doesn’t think Tim will ever give me a genuine apology since he’s convinced he’s right and we’re all wrong.

Mom is convinced he’s suffering from mental illness. Apparently Tim has been behaving bizarrely lately and at first she thought quarantine was to blame, but after reading the email, she doesn’t think he’s “in his right mind”. Could be, because he lost his job under weird circumstances last year. Even so, it may explain his behavior but it in no way shape or form excuses it.