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'AITA for refusing to show my brother and SIL what my GF plans to wear to their wedding?' UPDATED

'AITA for refusing to show my brother and SIL what my GF plans to wear to their wedding?' UPDATED

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"AITA for refusing to show my brother and his soon to be wife what my gf has chosen to wear at their wedding?"

My (m30) brother(m32) and his fiancé (f26) are getting married at the end of the month. My gf (f32) is my +1 we’ve been together for 6 months and she’s great. Yesterday I was at my brother’s to help him set up new shelves in the kitchen. That when he told me his fiancé had a request.

The fiancé asked me what my gf is planning to wear on the wedding because “honestly she’s dresses provocatively and she might wear something inappropriate”. She asked me if it was ok that we showed her (the bride) my gf’s outfit for approval.

I’m aware about weddings demanding a certain dress code and that there’re a lot of rules involved, but I was a bit shocked about her request. I thought it to be a bit disrespectful tbh. My gf is a very beautiful woman who loves fashion. I haven’t noticed that she’s ever been inappropriate.

Maybe she likes the mini dress and and the low back occasionally but it has been in the right environment like on a night out or a date with me otherwise she’s very modest, barely wears makeup. Plus she’s knows fashion and she’s probably aware of the rules of weddings. I didn’t feel the brides request was OK so I told her Noway that I’m going to ask my gf that.

The bride got a bit sulky and didn’t talk much to me the rest of the evening. I went to my gf afterwards for dinner and while we were preparing we started talking about the wedding. I asked her of she had bought something for the wedding and she said she didn’t have to.

She had a lot of dresses and she already chosen one. SHOW ME! She did. She’s chosen an olive green midi dress with high collar. It was perfect. I texted my brother and soon to be wife that the dress was modest so they could chill.

This morning, the bride called me asking me to send her a pic of the dress (huh?) what are you still on about! NO! I saw the dress. it’s perfect. you should take my word for it. She was raging mad crying that I’m trying to ruin her wedding. Are you going to ask all 150 guests to send you pictures of their outfits for approval? No! only your gf likes wearing sluttish outfits. I hung up.

I texted my brother that my gf didn’t need to come to the wedding since the relationship was new and when they sent the save the date I was still single so it just said +1. He texted me back saying I’m a D. Soon to be sister in law also texted calling me a D.

Here’s where I might have been an AH. I could’ve just sent a pic to calm them down but I didn’t because what they’re asking is a bit hurtful and even if I did it behind gf’s back to avoid hurting her feelings its still disrespectful to sneak around. They should have just trusted my judgment so

Edit:

my GF wore a very revealing dress on my 30th birthday. That was the first and only time my sister-in-law and my GF met. It was a designer dress (MiuMiu) that cost 4K that my gf could borrow from one of her stylist friends. She was so happy because she would never afford a dress like that (and honestly I was happy for totally different reasons I will keep to myself)

That dress is probably the start of this shitstorm. I still can’t understand the bride since these are two very different occasions

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

NTA. I actually think your instinct is right and it would have been disrespectful to actually send a photo without your girlfriend's knowledge, but the text seems just within the boundaries especially since it sounds like you were trying to protect your girlfriend by shutting it down without involving her.

Where you entered very very NTA territory is when you said "okay she won't come." That's basically the "problem" solved right there. Brother/FSIL got their way and somehow they're still acting like you're the @$$hole.

I could understand if your girlfriend found out and was like "I would have preferred to be involved/for you to handle this differently on my behalf/I'm sad about being disinvited" but literally the party calling you the asshole got exactly what they wanted. I think this is the moment to loop in your girlfriend though. Don't lie and make up some other reason for her not going.

said:

NTA. But also important question: on your birthday did your gf also wear the weird wool football helmet and bear’s hind leg boots? Because that would take guts

[deleted] said:

NTA, that's a great dress. Now wear it yourself on the wedding and have some fun...

said:

100% your gf is hot and FSIL is jealous NTA

[deleted] said:

NTA but with a slight TAH twist, lol Bride is ridiculous wanting to approve your GF's dresses. She gets the 'no white' and that's about it. Good for you for standing up for your GF and saying 'no' to your brother.

However, you were kinda dickish when you decided to text them later that night after the conversation should have been settled. you saw the dress and didn't see anything wrong with it. cool. that was enough...instead you kinda fanned the flames a bit.

[deleted] said:

NTA. You did the right thing, and frankly, you’d be justified in declining to go to the wedding yourself. Your brother and future SIL were slut-shaming and trying to police your GF’s body and verbally abused and tried to emotionally manipulate you for trying to protect your her autonomy.

Actions have consequences, and I would encourage you to let them know they need to show you and your GF some fucking respect if they want you in attendance.

He later shared this update:

My brother texted me asking how I shall solve this. I didn’t text him back. I was meeting my gf later that day and I thought I could call him afterwards. When I was at my gf’s I asked if she accepted to be my +1 because she wanted or just for my sake. She said that if she was being honest she was doing it for me. She said since I’m one of the groomsmen she would be alone and she knew nobody.

She was a bit nervous. I told her she was off the hook and she was surprised but pleased. I texted my friend (Steve) and asked him to be my date to the wedding he was game.

On my way home I called my brother and told him that gf is out, Steve in. He was silent for a moment and then said “why did you have to do this?” I told him well, I’m serious about this woman. If she’s to be a part of our family I don’t want her to know that your first impression of her was that she’s promiscuous.

I did not appreciate your judgment of her and I wasn’t going to risk hurting her feelings, not even a little bit over a dress. You insinuated that she’s inappropriate I rejected your hypothesis. I tried to be nice, even if I didn’t need to, and investigated about the dress and reported back to you. That should’ve been good enough. But there’s no harm done. I’m happy to bring Steve with me.

Do you want a picture of what he’s planning to wear? He laughed! and then asked me “why do you have to be so difficult man” I told him I wasn’t the one being difficult. You’ve invited 150 people. There’s no way in hell you could control all of them.

Instead of enabling her behavior you should help your wife overcome her insecurities, she’s a beautiful lady and doesn’t need to feel jealous or threatened by my gf or any other woman. That’s when I heard something like a banshee screaming. I almost drove off the road. My idiot brother had put me on speaker this whole time and FSIL heard everything including me calling her insecure.

I panicked and drove directly to their house. FSIL was in the bathroom crying and my brother was furious. I apologized probably a hundred time before she opened the door and let me in. I swore I was joking and it wasn’t even a good joke. She didn’t stop crying. I kissed her forehead and begged her to forgive me. My brother told me she’ll calm down eventually so yeah I messed up real bad.

Now I have a lot of damage control to do. Maybe try to upgrade their honeymoon flight to first class or ask the bridesmaids if I could fund her bridal shower or maybe I don’t know. Any advice is appreciated.

Sources: Reddit
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