'AITA for telling my brother it’s his fault for marrying someone so young?'
"AITA for telling my brother it’s his fault for marrying someone so young?"
Glass-Buyer-3176
So my (24M) brother (27M) married and had a child with a 19 year old girl. It was an arranged marriage. They aren’t common in our culture but my parents were close with this girls father and they thought she was very pretty and essentially pre-ordered her for my brother.
Her father is a very controlling man so he wanted control over who she’d marry and this is how he did it. They married soon after her 18th birthday. Initially, the girl (I will call her Grace) was starstruck by my brother, and I get it.
He’s 6,5, very muscular and has a good job and they were happy initially. She was also getting loads of attention from everyone and after growing up pretty neglected (heard from her cousins), she loved it.
Then, she got pregnant pretty soon after. Her pregnancy was awful and she was sick all the time, and I guess that’s when she realised she was in a mess. I heard my parents saying that she had gotten cold feet about the relationship, that she was scared of becoming a mother so young and wanted out.
She disappeared in the middle of the night during her sixth month of pregnancy and moved in with her grandparents who disapproved of the arranged marriage from the start. My brother never treated her badly but expected her to step into this role of a wife when she wasn’t even done being a kid yet.
She had a daughter and she lets my brother see the girl, but she doesn’t want to get back with him. Her father and my parents have been chalking it up to ‘nerves’ but it’s clearly someone who’s learned better and is trying to do better with her life.
There is bipolar disorder on her mother’s side of the family and they’ve been trying to claim that she’s gone ‘mental’- again no. She’s just a girl who realised she is way too young to be someone’s wife.
She hasn’t asked for a divorce yet but she is saying that she wants time to figure herself out. She started to go partying with friends and drinking regularly (the baby is always with her grandparents but she does love that child, she’s just trying to heal/figure herself out)
From what I can tell, my brother did love her in some capacity and he is very upset about her leaving him. He’s been begging her to take her back, sending her gifts, buying the baby expensive clothes etc. She isn’t responding to these things. He is losing weight and has taken time off work because he misses her.
Yesterday, he was complaining to me about missing her and i snapped. It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that he’s wrong so i told him that it’s his fault for marrying a girl so young. Now he’s mad at me. My sister is telling me it wasn’t my business and I should’ve held my tongue because my brother is suffering but I dont think I’m wrong.
Edit:
Realised I missed a bit out. The reason why i mentioned her partying and drinking is because he complains about her doing this all the time.
He’ll take her pictures from social media and say that she isn’t behaving how a mother/wife should act. That is why I snapped at him. I told him that she shouldn’t complain about her behaving like a young person because he married a young person.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
throwawaybroaway954
This is less about the marriage and more about never being free to make choices living in a controlled household. Suddenly she has options and trauma and the ability to say no. Good for her. But that might mean she needs something different for herself. It’s gonna be hard to find with the guilt and shame people probably try to put on her. Hopefully she finds some healing.
The OP responded here:
Glass-Buyer-3176
I hope so too. I speak to her sometimes and she seems to be doing much better. She has support from her mother and her grandparents so I’m hoping she isn’t forced back to my brother if she doesn’t want him.
Accomplished_Eye8290
It’s also crazy why your brother thought it was appropriate to knock up an 18 year old immediately after marriage. He doesn’t really see her as his wife either… kinda predatory tbh. like, he wasn’t like hey you’re still growing how about we use protection for a few years until you’re ready…
The OP again responded:
Glass-Buyer-3176
He claimed their birth control failed on them (didn’t ask what they were using because none of my business) but it’s still weird.
evmd
NTA. Your brother had the opportunity to do something really great for Grace by getting her out of her father's clutches. If he'd encouraged her to continue her education, to explore her newfound freedom with the safety and protection of his backing (her father can't say much if she has her husband's full permission and support, you know?)
If he'd encouraged her independence, he probably wouldn't have been in this situation. Instead, he knocked her up and expected her to act like a grown woman who freely chose to be a wife and mother. He was and is, at best, an absolute idiot.
WantonRinglets
You know, that's a really good point. I've known some older women who had good arranged marriages in similar circumstances, and their husbands did what you described - supported their younger wives as they got their educations, put off children for a while, and became young adults outside of their parents' control.
It's still strange for me to have this kind of set-up but if you're going to get into an arranged marriage to younger woman and you want her to be truly happy and well, then you'd make these efforts. Your brother wasn't much of a husband by this metric.
Tainted_queef
We all know TA are the wifes parents, and your brothers just a dumbass he should know better as well, then to marry a child. But some predators would disagree im sure.