'AITA for deciding to bury my husband with his late wife and young daughter?'
"AITA for deciding to bury my husband with his late wife and young daughter?"
My husband died very recently after almost 17 years of marriage. He didn't have his wishes written down anywhere but we had talked about it in passing one time and he had mentioned wanting to be with his baby girl and his late wife.
After he died that came back to me when I realized he hadn't left any written wishes. My husband's son (31) wanted him buried with his mother and sister. My kids (22 and 24), who my husband took on as his own because their own father is dead and was not a good person, were upset by the idea.
They loved my husband. To them he was their dad. And I know he loved them and thought of them as his own kids too. They wanted a family grave so there was the potential for us to be with him one day. They struggled with the idea of him going in with the family he lost.
But I knew my husband would've wanted it. I knew that was his wish even if he hadn't stated it in a significant amount of time. So I made the decision to bury him with them.
My kids were very upset by this and my sister is angry. She feels like I took my husband's son's side over my kids. She said it was especially frustrating because we'll never see him again now that my husband is dead.
His son was never very happy about mine or my kids' presence in his and his dad's life. I did try and I love him but I think I always knew deep down that my husband going first would be the end of any contact between us. That's difficult but I knew. I knew.
The problem is with my kids upset and my sister angry with me I'm a mess of emotions and undecided on my choice. I'm questioning if I could have handled this better. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
“His burial location was something he and I discussed, and this is what my husband requested.” NTA.
NTA. Honoring his own spoken wish even if it hurt was the right thing. It wasn’t about choosing sides, it was about love and respect for the life he had before and the peace he wanted in the end.
It’s beautiful that you loved him enough to do that for him. NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss.
DangerousOption1014 (OP)
I'll always love him. He was an amazing man and I'm glad he said something about it even if it wasn't a serious talk we had about it.
This is a teaching moment for your daughters. Life is hard and not everything is straight forward. Grief is a hard emotion to grapple with and is very personal. But you cannot worry about what you cannot control. This is one of those things. It’s a hard lesson to learn but it’s one that everyone on the planet has to grapple with.
NTA - Im sorry for your loss. But I think your husband’s biological son’s opinion here matters more than your late husband’s step kids.
Edit - yes, it also being what he wanted matters the most here.
You honored what your husband once said he wanted, even though it was hard. It’s a heartbreaking situation, not a selfish one. NTA.
I hate to say it and I don’t mean to say that your kids weren’t his kids…but his biological child has more footing with this. Your husband has mentioned this. You knew his wishes and his son did too. So honor them.
I know it hurts your kids but it doesn’t change the life he shared with them. It doesn’t erase him as their dad. This isn’t about them. It’s about your late husband. So sorry for your loss.
".. so there was the potential for us to be with him one day." Being with him one day is a heaven question, not a cemetery question. What's in the cemetery isn't your husband, it's the shell he used on earth.
Funerals are for the comfort of the living. And the widow's comfort out ranks the children's comfort. You've thought about this and the decision that you made. You are comforted, to some degree, by you doing what you think he would have wanted. Good for you and I hope that decision helps your grief. NTA.
Nta. You are respecting his wishes. And the people taking issue with you are selfish jerks for pressing you when they should be supporting you during your grief.
DangerousOption1014 (OP)
I didn't actually tell them it was my husband's wish. They knew it was his son's wish. But I was afraid it would hurt them more to know my husband wanted that. I still feel that way. But also my kids are upset but not angry at me. My sister's the one angry about the choice I made.
Oh wow. That makes total sense and there’s just no winning for anyone here. I see you’d rather take the heat than make it worse. You’re a real one and I’m very sorry for your loss 🩷
Your Sister has no right to answer opinion, let alone to shove said opinion down your throat. Tell her that you’d rather she focus on supporting you during this awful time. As for your kids, I think you need to tell them. It was his wish and they’re only going to hate their step brother and be angry at/for you being a doormat. They’re old enough to understand and you can explain it as gently as possible, but they need to know.
To ignore and deny half of your husband’s life is to ignore and deny part of him. If they love him, they need to find peace with sharing him and the fact he had a first life before his second life with you and them. Maybe try switching it around and asking them how they would feel if they were bio son? Either way, please accept my condolences on your loss. Wishing you nothing but peace 💐🤍