'AITA for buying an Apple Watch instead of using that money to pay my GF's medical bills?' UPDATED

"AITA for buying an Watch instead using that money to pay my gf’s medical bill?"

I’m living together with my gf and while we share all expenses, we keep the remaining money in our own accounts. She always earned more than me, which means she always had more money “for herself”, and she has usually been spending all of it every month.

(she didn’t spent it ALL for herself but also bought stuff for our apartment or paid the bill for us when we were eating out, but I would say when we go out we fairly split it 50/50, like she pays 5 times and I pay 5 times)

I’m earning less and still managed to put away 4k(!) in the last years as an Emergency Fund, and 1k other Savings. Also got 2.2k tax money, more on that later. She lost her job at the beginning of this year, now gets the same amount as me every month, which worked totally fine for the first months.

Now since March she became sick and has medical bills of 500€ per month and I already paid this once, and her parents twice. I saved money for a new Apple Watch, and wanted to go buy it today. Told her yesterday, she flipped out. Told me I’m TA for getting myself something nice instead of paying her bills when I know she struggles with paying them herself.

I told her I already used all the money (and more) I got back from taxes for our 10-day vacation to Greece last month because she couldn’t afford it, but she wanted to go with me and I didn’t want to go alone (of course, why would I take a vacation without my gf when I can afford to pay for both of us?).

I told her it’s fine for me that I paid the trip for both of us because I love her, but I can’t use all my savings only for her, because when she earned more than me I always told her she should set up an Emergency Fund!

"As I said above I do have an Emergency Fund of 4k, but my gf doesn’t know about this and I’m not gonna tell her, because for her that would be free money. She knows I probably have some savings but I guess she thinks of 1k or something. Of course I’m gonna use some of my savings to help her but ... AITA for wanting to get a new Apple Watch for me?"

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

WebbieVanderquack said:

ESH. She should have had an emergency fund when she was working. But why did you take a 10-day vacation to Greece with your unemployed GF? It seems strange that you were willing to pay for that because "you love her," but not for medical help when she gets sick.

If you're in a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone and she gets sick and can't afford the bills and you spend your money on an Apple watch, you are always going to look like a jerk, because it's not just about obligation, it's about love.

loudent2 said:

NTA - Here me out here. You worked hard and went without to save up for this watch and you should have it. It's important to have these moments in your financial journey.

INFO: Are the medical bills temporary or is this going to be 500 a month forever? If temporary, how long?

Streakshooter31 said:

YTA, but that's just me. I could never do that. purchase something when I know that my SO has an ongoing financial issue. whether or not she is in debt is beside the point. while you are not married, I would assume that your relationship entails propping each other up during difficult times.

This is one of those difficult times. I dunno man, it is your relationship, but you asked for the internet's opinion, and this is mine. I'm in a common-law relationship as well so I know how finances are when one starts living together with ones SO.

I make twice as much as my SO, and she has 2 teenaged kids with a previous marriage. Money has never been an issue with us, no separate expenses, we put our money in a "pool" and budget from there. I don't mind that I put in more money in the pool.

I feel as if *she* should feel the pain of this. So far it's been her parents and you who've shouldered the burden. I mean, don't let her get into unsustainable debt but if she has to put extra effort to get it taken care of it can be a strong motivator to have an emergency fund for things like this.

Variance__ said:

INFO: How long have you been together and how serious is the relationship? Also, just an observation, there have been almost daily posts about people leaving their partners because said partners hid money.

If you plan to make any sort of long term commitment with this GF, then it would be better to tell her sooner rather than later. That being said, whether it is worth telling her now all depends on how long you’ve been together and how serious things are (or how serious you’d like them to be).

OP responded:

It’s a serious relationship going on for three years now. Living together for 1.5 years. She made some hints about marriage but I don’t plan on marrying at all because I’ve never seen a reason to do so. But as of today she would be the one I’d marry.

He later shared this first update:

Thanks so much everyone, and I’ll try to keep you updated and give you more INFO:

I already replied to someone but I want to say it again: My gf is not in debt (and probably won’t be, and I’ll not let her go into debt because that means she wouldn’t be able to afford her half of the rent)

Yes she’s struggling if she’s paying her bills herself. She can’t buy anything else for the rest of the month because of her bills. I paid the vacation because of that. Our monthly expenses are still being paid. It’s a serious three-year-relationship, living together for 1.5 yrs.

The medical bills are temporary and I expect them to be 100 % paid in December. I’ll have a talk to her about this again, but we’ve always been talking december is the last payment and I trust her on that.

Looks like the judgement is NTA! Thank you for that, but I see many many good comments saying YTA or ESH and I respect that! We’re gonna have a talk later this week but I also have made my decision. I’m going to get the Watch either way.

That’s what I saved for. I know we’re in this situation together but I also know she’s not going into debt, can ask her parents for money, and I still have my Emergency Fund when things get really tight. Also, this is in Europe. Gonna update once we had the talk.

Then he shared this second brief update after talking to his GF:

We’ve had a talk and she’s actually better with money, but there’s still a lot to do as she’s still without an Emergency Fund.