"AITA for buying my nephew piano lessons for his birthday?"
I recently decided that I wanted to shift in buying experience presents instead of material gifts as kids have so many toys it seems. Over the last couple years, every time my nephew (6 years old) is at my house he always wants to play on my piano or requests that I play for him.
I thought it might be nice for his birthday to buy him piano lessons for the year at our local conservatory. I asked his parents if they were ok with this and I offered to drive him to and from lessons as well as gave my extra keyboard for him to practice on.
I made it clear to his parents that I didn’t care if he wasn’t interested past the year, but if he wanted to continue that I would continue to pay the tuition. It was more to provide that opportunity to him, he is the perfect age to start, and he genuinely seems to love music.
Edit to say: they both said they were ok with this gift prior to me gifting it.
Of course my nephew was thrilled when he got the gift.
But after the party, I got a text from my SIL basically saying that I need to back off and that I had no right to infringe on how they want to raise their child and dictate what programs they are involved in and that if I want to put a child in music, I ought to have a child myself.
She further went on to say that if I really cared about the rearing of their child and their wishes, that I would have purchased tuition to skating lessons as they want their boy to play hockey.
I haven't yet responded because I don't know what to say. I am afraid of making things worse. I suppose in some sense, yes, I picked piano lessons, because I myself am a musician and that is the world I am familiar with.
But I also considered how much my nephew loves playing on the piano when he is over. And, yes, I knew that his parents wanted him to play hockey, because that is what they both played as kids.
But I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to have many opportunities to try different things. I mean growing up, I did music, skating, swimming, ballet, field hockey and all at fairly high levels. It was all part of being a well-rounded person. And further, I didn't want to take away the parents special moment in signing him up for hockey/skating lessons themselves.
IDK I'm just wondering from other parents here if I've done something wrong. I don't have kids myself, so perhaps I have overstepped. I certainly wasn't trying to take something away from them or push their child into a path. I don't know where to go from here.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You also haven’t given the parents a burden, you offered to be chauffeur and supply the keyboard. That is a very thought out present. I wonder if nephew has no interest in hockey and they’re annoyed he wants to be musical.
NTA. You asked, they agreed. Now what? They're changing their minds why? What's really going on? That'd be my reply message: I asked you this, you agreed with it, now what has changed?
NTA if they originally said they were ok with it, and I think its a really thoughtful gift, not to mention it imposes on your time, so not just an experience or monetary. Could it be that they didn't realize there would be a time commitment? It seems like their reaction is really unreasonable, and I'm sorry your gift has been poorly received.
I hope this doesn't affect your ability to spend time with your nephew. Given this odd behavior, I encourage you to give in where necessary so they don't restrict your access to your nephew because you're a "bad influence " or don't "respect parents wishes". SIL sounds different, and could try to limit your relationship, so tread lightly.
NTA. As a mother, I would be absolutely THRILLED if someone was willing to pay for music lessons for my kid. Your nephew is clearly excited. It was thoughtful of you, especially how you offered to take him to and from the lessons and continue paying for them. That's huge!
Also, you talked to them beforehand. I wonder if they privately had a conversation later changing their minds 🤔. Maybe they are feeling insecure that you would have such a momentous thing to bond over without them being really involved. Thus, the hockey.
NTA but your SIL is. That was a lovely gift, and it sounds like his parents are trying to push him into reliving their own childhoods. Don't even reply, and keep on encouraging him to love and appreciate music in his life.
NTA what is her problem? You asked the parents first which was great. Done deal. She is probably jealous that you gave a thoughtful and appreciated gift that you and your nephew can bond over.
Something seems odd here. Did you explicitly tell them "Hey, I want to get nephew piano lessons for his birthday this year. I want to check if it is OK before I book them." Or did you say "Nephew is the perfect age for piano lessons. Aren't experience gifts great?"
Your sister's reaction isn't in line with being clearly informed beforehand. If my kid were gifted something like that without my approval first, I'd be super annoyed too... Or just not do it. Having to drive to/from these extracurriculars is a lot, especially if they do other things too. If you didn't get a green light first, YTA.