'AITA for calling off the wedding after my fiancé gave his ex 'closure'?'
"AITA for calling off the wedding after my fiancé gave his ex 'closure'?"
I (28F) have been with my fiancé, Tom (30M), for three years. He and his ex, Sara, were together for six years before we met, and she’s been a shadow hanging over us the entire time.
At first, I understood...they shared a lot of history, and breakups can be tough. But we’re supposed to be each other’s future now. We’re planning our wedding, building a life, and I thought he was done with the past.
A month ago, Tom got a random message from Sara asking for “closure.” He didn’t tell me about it, and instead of ignoring it or at least discussing it with me, he responded and met up with her.
I found out when I saw a message on his phone that said, “Thanks for last night.” My heart dropped. When I confronted him, he swore nothing physical happened, saying he stayed over until early morning just “talking.”
I didn’t believe him, and what’s worse, he got defensive, calling me “insecure” for feeling betrayed. He says Sara “deserved closure” and that I should “understand” since he’s with me now.
The more we talked, the more I realized he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I tried to explain how hurtful it was that he hid this, especially when he didn’t need to, but he made me feel like I was the problem for being “jealous of a friendship.”
But here’s the kicker...Tom then had the audacity to tell me that this “needed to happen” so he could truly move on. He even suggested Sara should come to the wedding “as a friend” to “show everyone there’s no bad blood.” I was stunned. How could he think it’s appropriate to invite his ex to our wedding, someone he apparently still feels the need to “support”?
I’ve since called off the wedding, saying I need time to think, but my family and friends are split. Half say I should be able to trust him if he says nothing happened, and others think I’m totally justified. Meanwhile, Tom’s been telling our friends that I’m “controlling” and making a big deal out of nothing, and now I’m second-guessing myself.
AITA for putting my foot down, or am I overreacting to something that really was “innocent”?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA..you're the rebound.
OP, that whooshing sound you’re hearing is from the bullet you dodged. The “controlling“ comment was game over no matter what. Get everything that is at his place and block him. They can have each other.
This screams unresolved feelings; he’s clearly not done with her yet.
Spot on. They split up at least 3 years ago. You’re the rebound OP. End the relationship, move out as soon as feasible, and don’t look back. Tom and Sara can enjoy their…whatever the f^%$ they are.
You don't lie about things you don't need to hide. You lie because you don't want to deal with this consequences of something you know you shouldn't have done. He knows he shouldn't have gone, that's why he lied.
NTA. He doesn’t sound over her at all. I’d be out so fast if I had a partner that wanted to bring her ex to the wedding.
NTA You should be able to trust Tom if he says nothing happened - but you can't. He has given you no reason to believe him - he didn't tell you about the meeting, he spent an entire night with Sara, and refused to talk about this burning need for closure with you.
Why in the world would he commit to spending his life with you, if he hadn't already gotten "closure?" What the heck does that even mean?
And why would Tom get back with you if he thinks you're controlling and making a big deal out of nothing. Even if he thinks it's nothing, he's completely oblivious to the fact that you don't, and guilt tripping you over having feelings. You've dodged a bullet, and maybe Tom and his ex can console each other.