Mistaken identity causes HR to wrongly accuse woman of 'inappropriate dancing' at holiday party. + UPDATE
"I got called into HR for 'inappropriate dancing' at the company holiday party. Still annoyed."
Every year, my company hosts a big, formal holiday party with a Best Dressed competition. This year, I decided to go for it. I've been sewing my own clothing for a few years now, and occasionally do costumes for drag and burlesque shows.
In working on the costumes, I’ve learned a lot of “couture” techniques in gown-making (lots of feathers and beads and sparkle in both communities), but I haven’t had the chance to make myself something wearable using anything I'd learned.
The holiday party felt like the right time to make myself something beautiful and show it off. I ended up making a floor-length, red satin gown with a big bow in the back, matching opera gloves, and a sparkly white faux fur stole.
It was significantly less glittery than initially planned, but once the base came together, I decided I liked the look of the satin undisturbed and left it alone. The dress was a big hit. It was glamorous, I felt beautiful in it, and people were shocked that I had made it myself. I won Best Dressed Overall.
Every time someone won, they got to go out onto the dance floor and do a little fashion walk, spin around, answer a couple questions, then go and sit down. When it was my turn to walk, I did a few things I’ve seen at burlesque shows, drag shows, and probably a few old Hollywood movies.
I did the slow side-step with wavy arms. I shrugged off the stole to better show off the bow and looked down over my shoulder. I think I did a three-step turn at some point. Nothing racy or inappropriate, and less than a minute long.
Anyway, someone reported it to HR. I got called in a few days after the party and told that my “dancing” had made “people” (I asked if there were multiple reports, they said there was only one) uncomfortable. They gave me the “work parties are still work” speech and let me go. They didn’t even really give me a chance to say anything.
I’m so frustrated. The dress was work party-appropriate, my walk was work party-appropriate, and no one has said a single negative thing to my face. I’m still proud of myself and the dress, but it feels like majorly misplaced effort. What a cruddy way to start the break and end the work year.
EDIT: Oh wow, I did NOT expect the response this has gotten! I think I was still annoyed because I hadn't really gotten to talk to anyone about it yet. Thank you for letting me vent, and sharing your perspectives, HR stories, and humor.
I feel a lot lighter just reading through the comments! I just want to clarify two things, since I think my mention of "burlesque" has (rightfully) made it sound like I brought my inner Jessica Rabbit to a stuffy work function.
First, is that the moves I added to my walk are not specific to burlesque, and can be found in virtually ALL forms of dance. I only mentioned burlesque and drag because that's where I learned about them (I am not a dancer and never have been!) and their functions on a stage.
The sideways walk is used a lot in burlesque and drag because it's a really, really good way to show an audience your outfit without just doing a regular catwalk around the stage. Moving sideways keeps your torso (so the front of the outfit) facing the audience, and arms up/out/on the hips keeps the outfit in full view.
There are variations of this seen in things like musicals, ballroom dance (when couples are entering the floor), and the wavy arms are, I think, inspired by ballet. Depending on how you move, it can be really graceful, very sexy, or kind of camp (like "purse first"). I was trying to be graceful, show off the dress, and make the glitter on the stole sparkle a little (hence the arm waving).
Second, almost everyone who walks each year does their best impression (or a really campy imitation) of a fashion model's catwalk. Some people REALLY swing their hips, and most people stop at the end of the "runway" and do the "model" hip pop and over the shoulder look into the "camera."
Last year, the guy who won best dressed showed up in a gold sequin suit and did a genuine ballroom (Paris is Burning ballroom, not waltz ballroom) catwalk that would have been very scandalous if a woman had done it.
There's also time for actual dancing towards the end of the night, and there are definitely people every year who get a little loose. I think somebody did get called in for drunk twerking last year, but she was kind of a mess that whole month, so it might have been something else.
I do understand that maybe my attempt at being graceful may have come off sexier than intended. I was banking on the fact that the moves are not burlesque or drag specific, the gown itself is not form fitting (it's a full skirt), and felt that others swaying their hips down the "runway" was less work-appropriate than ballerina arms.
Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right (the comments seem split!), but I'll come up with something else if I get to walk again next year. Thanks again for the laughs and support!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Someone was jealous and rained on the parade. That’s so lame! Your dress sounds amazing and I’d probably be bitter AF if I were in your position. Everyone is an adult and a couple shoulders…suggestive or not shouldn’t be called out. I’m sorry.
chihuahuaiscross (OP)
I wish it was something less childish, but I think you're probably right. I don't know everyone in the company, but I can't think of any of my coworkers being offended, and I wasn't the only woman in a sleeveless dress with a shawl. If ALL the shoulders that night were reported, then I feel bad for HR.
And this is why I don’t go to company events. Too many people just waiting to stir the pot.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
I wasn't going to post any updates because the outcome was pretty bland. But hopping on yesterday, I was shocked to see how much more activity the post got after I initially logged out, and thought that maybe someone would like to read about what happened.
Long story short, someone in HR did not do their due diligence and I was called in by mistake. This only came to light after a New Year's Eve party (not work-related) where the same person complained about "my" inappropriate dancing.
I was out of town on New Year's. Long story long, the guy who made the report initially went to HR to complain about a woman in a red dress from my department trying to dance with him at the holiday party.
Apparently, he didn't know her name, and the person he talked to did not ask for more identifying information. This person decided that I must be THE Woman in the Red Dress - despite the fact that there were multiple women in red dresses at the holiday party - and arranged for the initial meeting.
Once we came back to the office after the holiday break, I was once again called in to HR. They told me that they normally didn't talk to employees about personal conflicts, but since I had repeated a behavior that they had already warned me about, they felt it necessary to meet with me again.
This prompted a back and forth; I apologized for my walk at the holiday party and said I understood that some people might have found it to be too risque. But that I hadn't done it again and did not intend to. They said that this was about the dancing. I told them the only dancing I had done at the party was the walk. They said the walk was fine. This was about the dancing.
At some point, one the HR reps outlined the initial complaint to me (dancing with a coworker). I told them I had not danced with any coworkers that night, nor had I even been on the dance floor. Then they asked if I had been to any New Year's Eve parties and I told them I had been out of town.
This essentially ended the meeting. I assume they realized they were talking to the wrong person and the issue of privacy kicked in. I was given an apology by the head of HR a few days later and told that the situation was being dealt with. One person doesn't work here anymore, but I don't know if that was the HR rep and whether that person was fired.
I think I know who the real woman in red was (unless she was in burgundy; then it's a toss up), but I have no idea whether or not she's been spoken to. I don't know the guy she was trying to dance with.
I still feel weird about everything when I think about it, but I think that's because I don't know what went on with the two people actually involved. But I don't think about it very often, which is good. Thanks again for all your HR stories, thoughts, and humor! I didn't realize how frustrated I was about not being able to talk to anyone about it. The comments really helped.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Conclusion: Do not attend anymore work's events except for training ☹️
chihuahuaiscross (OP)
I'll still go when I can. I like the opportunity to chat with people in a more casual setting. Most of my office friendships have started at those events.
For what its worth, OP got confirmation that they had the best dress, or at least the best red dress.
Corporate culture sounds exhausting.