Newlywed wife compares husband's delivery flowers to 'gifting Doritos,' he calls her 'ungrateful.' AITA? + UPDATE
"I called my wife ungrateful, cancelled our date and left her in the car to cry. How do I make her feel what I feel?"
My wife and I have been together for 2 years and just got married recently. We are compatible in every other way except when it comes to her idea of gestures and how she feels love. She actually really likes traditionally romantic things. It doesn’t come naturally to me but I oblige because it makes her happy.
One of the things she wanted me to do on one of our dinners together was for me to “pick her up” in my car, get her flowers, open the door for her and other stuff she wanted me to do. We live in a very convenient spot from which we can get things delivered in just under 5-7 mins through the online app.
I had forgotten to get flowers for her so last minute I just ordered it off the app. They were beautiful and she said she is really happy about the gesture. I said no worries I can get you flowers everyday. Somehow I ended up blurting out that I ordered it off the app.
Her expression immediately changed and she said she doesn’t feel special anymore. Like it was as good as gifting her a bag of doritos because no real effort went on my part.
She angrily said she would’ve felt at least a little special had I placed an order directly from a florist I had researched on first the app I ordered flowers from is the same app she orders stuff on a whim when we run out such as bread and milk.
I was feeling frustrated at this point and admittedly got mad at her because it felt so silly and I felt unappreciated from the lack of gratitude when she said my “gesture” doesn’t feel thoughtful anymore.
I said: “Was the gift thoughtless or are you thankless?”
She started crying. I ended up leaving her in the car downstairs in the complex and headed upstairs as I no more felt like having dinner with her.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
“How do I make her feel what I feel” is a sentiment that leads to divorce. You need to share your feelings without placing blame in effort to bridge the disconnect. Be humble enough to accept that you might not fully understand her position before immediately dismissing it. Seeking to make each other hurt because you were hurt is a cycle that leads to deep resentment.
This also reads to me that he has to feel it to understand it. He thinks she needs to feel like he does to understand it, like him. However, she likely has empathy, like most people, and the ability to understand what it's like to put oneself in another's shoes.
This is also the reason she's upset- in his shoes, he forgot and did low effort. He needs to turn on the empathy, and try to understand how she feels, instead. Not try to make her feel criticized, or bad.
something so many people need to learn: just because you wouldn’t feel that way in a situation, doesn’t mean it’s a wrong or unreasonable way to feel.
Holy cow, dude. My wife is the same way in appreciating those gestures, but did you ever think to just shut up sometimes?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my original post, most of you didn’t hold back. It gave me a lot to think about. I am at work right now, and we’ve finally had a real conversation. We both couldn’t stay silent, or wait until I got home. My wife reached out via text and expressed a few things.
She sent the photo of the flowers, the exact ones from that night placed in a vase sitting on our dining table. She had kept them with her all along, but just not in my sight (maybe bec she was in the guest room the past 1 night and I hadn’t gone there).
She said she had some time to reflect and realized that in the moment, she was being overly critical and controlling. She admitted that her reaction was less about the flowers and more about her own expectations and that maybe it was unfair to get upset over the how instead of appreciating the what.
She said it hit her later how quick she was to dismiss the fact that I had to go outside of my comfort zone to do something for her, even if it wasn’t in the exact way she imagined. That her idea of romance was starting to become more like a checklist.
She said she realized she’s been romanticizing the “performance of love” rather than the presence of it. And she still loved me through all this and hope we both can communicate better. That meant a lot.
That said I also took accountability. I told her I shouldn’t have escalated things the way I did. I could’ve expressed how I felt without using harsh words or walking away. I let my frustration speak louder than my actual message.
But to be completely honest, hearing her own up to how she reacted made it easier for me to do the same. We have some plans to redo our date. And this time I will get her the flowers from the florist like she wants me to. Also, because I want to.
We’re not perfect. But we’re growing together.
And the flowers from the app? Still on the table. Still beautiful. Still enough.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
What part of buying flowers makes you uncomfortable? Or by "outside your comfort zone" do you mean that you had to, like, remember to do something for someone else? This is a warning that she's realizing that her standards are too high for you. Maybe she'll lower them permanently, or maybe she'll realize she's allowed to have standards.
the important part is to ask yourself why your first question was how to punish her/inflict more pain.
Why do people date someone you have to coach to be compatible with you?
His wife's response sounds like someone who has rationalized away her desires as unimportant in order to understand OP, and avoid future disappointment by managing her expectations. Meanwhile, OP hasn't learned from this, and seems to think he's won because his wife apologized first.
But if he thinks his wife is just going to get over it and hold him in the same regard as before, he's got another thing coming. What his wife clearly wanted was initiative and unprompted thought and effort, so I'm sure she's going to be looking at his pattern of behaviour more closely from now on. OP's gonna be clueless when the divorce hits him, maybe not now or soon, but eventually.
OP hasn't learned a damn thing. He's just saying whatever he thinks will make him look good. Going to a florist is out of his comfort zone? Really?! Half the ones in my area are literally at the front of the local grocery stores. You have to walk past them to get milk and eggs.