'AITA for calling my BF absurd for being overly concerned about a coworker?'

"AITA for calling my BF absurd for being overly concerned about a coworker?"

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for about two years. He works in tech. I do not, so I am only hearing this second hand. Recently he started talking about a woman he works with. He went on and on about how people at his company treat her unfairly and assume she is incompetent. He kept saying she is extremely smart and great to work with and that everyone else just “doesn’t see it.”

He then told me about a situation involving a code review. From what I understood, multiple people questioned or criticized her code, and according to him they were all wrong and she was right. He said later it was proven she had done the correct thing. While telling me this, he actually started crying. Like tears and shaking voice.

I honestly did not know how to react. It felt absurd. This is a tech company, there are multiple engineers reviewing code. It is really hard for me to believe that several people were all wrong and only he was right, especially when I am only hearing his version. It feels more likely that the situation was more nuanced than “everyone else assumed she was stupid.”

I also found it concerning how emotionally invested he is in this woman’s career. He talks about her like he is her personal defender. I get feeling bad if someone is treated unfairly, but crying over a coworker’s code review feels excessive to me.

It also does not help that this woman has a solid job in tech and probably makes more money than I do, so it is hard for me to see her as some helpless victim yet he says she should be leveled higher.

I told him that I thought he was being dramatic and that it made me uncomfortable how intensely he was reacting. I also said that if multiple people on his team questioned her work, they probably were not all acting out of bias and that maybe he is not seeing the full picture. He got very upset and accused me of being uncaring.

Now he is hurt and says I do not respect his values. I feel like he is projecting and getting way too emotionally involved with a coworker. AITA for not believing his take on the situation and being weirded out that he cried over it?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Distinct-Brilliant73 said:

YTA. You don’t know his field, how sexist it is. For all you know, this could be the first time he’s witnessed such blatant misogyny. If you wanted to bring up the “absurdity” of the reaction, do it another time. And the fact you end your post saying that you find it hard to feel bad for her because of the money she probably makes??? Ick.

handtoglandwombat said:

YTA you’re being one of those people who can’t handle men having emotions. Tech jobs are stressful. Something clearly got to your partner. He tried to talk to you about it and now you’re using it against him. Stop making it about you.

SoulSiren_22 said:

YTA. You are jealous of her job and the emotional investment your boyfriend has in her. The latter is a bit over the top. Talk to him about your jealousy regarding emotional investment and work on your own career if you are jealous of hers.

SmokedStone said:

YTA. It's understandable you're jealous, but unless you work in high-pressure fields or in cultures with dominant in-group/out-group culture, it's rare to see that type or emotional reaction.

Is it dramatic he's crying? A bit, but it could also be a compounded effect. Could he be into her? Possibly. Maybe not. Could be he upset about the culture and stress of his workplace overall? Probably.

You mentioning her profession and potential income making it hard to empathize makes you the asshole, though. You're really gonna care less for someone because she might be smarter and more capable than you?

Hell, more people like that will make you look better culturally if you encourage them. It'll help eliminate negative stereotypes about women, which you seem to be upholding, sadly.

mothandravenstudio said:

Soft YTA. You say some concerning things comparing your income to hers, but even more concerning is your comment of being weirded out by your husband‘s emotional display. Were this my husband, I would be extremely concerned about what may be going on at work for him.

Often when we defend others with intense vigor it’s because we are experiencing similar dynamics. Especially when it’s in the same milieu. Perhaps he feels like he can’t talk to you

MeanDebate said:

YTA, gently. Tech is grueling, now more than ever, and it's honestly a really positive sign that your boyfriend sees injustice and cares a lot about it. I understand being concerned that someone else's work issues are impacting him this deeply, and even being a little jealous. But he's your partner, and he was sharing something he was bothered by with you.

Wigglebot23 said:

NTA for feeling uncomfortable but it is entirely possible she and your BF are right and everyone else is wrong, it's probably not an infrequent occurrence at all that most people don't see how someone is right about code. It's already a common occurrence in STEM and it's potentially even more common when prejudices are involved