'AITA for calling my BF's 'ex' wife and telling her the truth about our relationship?'

"AITA for calling my boyfriend’s wife?"

Met my(36/f) boyfriend (33/m) (now ex) in November. We met in the wild and he had no ring on, said he was single. We went on a date that week and hit it off. He admit that he was going thru a divorce and has a 3 year old, but they live in the neighboring state. I was caught off guard but glad he was honest, and we continued dating.

About a month into dating I find out no one has actually filed for divorce, and his excuse is that he’s waiting for her to file so she doesn’t use his son as leverage. He would go see his son about once a month over the holidays and I had no reason to suspect anything between him and the ex.

I told him my deal breaker was that if he and she were to try to work things out together, I wanted to be out of the picture. He assured me they were sorting finances, child support, custody etc and the divorce was happening. Ok, I believed him.

After two months we became “exclusive." Around this time He tells me he wants to be more involved with his son so he’s going to start FaceTiming at bath/bedtime to tuck baby in. Ok, great. I love that!

I DID feel weird that he always insisted on being in his room for the call, and would always go back home if we were out… bc why does a 3 year old care if you call from the car?? He told me it was just because he wanted to avoid his ex from being in his business and starting arguments…

Fast forward to March, we tell each other we love each other, and around the same time the nightly phone calls to his son stop. And when I ask why, he again insists it’s bc the “ex wife” is vindictive and doesn’t let him talk to his son unless they’re getting along. Totally acting like she’s using their son as a pawn.

Finally last week after driving him to SEE HIS SON four hours away, i felt weird about all the hiding (hiding me from his ex) I had had enough. It’s been almost 8 months dating and there’s no progression and he’s not really giving me any real information to rely on.

We are talking about long term life plans, he says he sees a future with me, and we spend every day together. But I’m feeling in my gut that something’s not adding up.

So I call the wife.

She confirms my feeling that they were NEVER getting a divorce, and that they didn’t separate until March (four months after he and I started dating).And even then, no legal separation had been filed. All those phone calls to his son at night were really just a check in with her, in which he was pretending to her that he was calling before he fell asleep.

But really he was lying and going on dates with me, or having me over. I spent every night with that man save for maybe a week total, and I always gave him the trust and freedom to have that quality time with his son. He blames ME for blowing his life up, but I don’t see it that way. If I had called the wife and she confirmed they had been separated since November, there wouldn’t be a problem.

I do feel bad that this has caused a huge mess. But she didn’t know about me, and I didn’t know he was still playing house and sleeping with her. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

mllemurray said:

Nope. Not the AH. Run - RUN AWAY now. You’ve been given a reprieve. How lucky are you that you found this out before your relationship progressed. And trust me he’s probably got a third girlfriend out there too. Learn from this. Vet men a little closer. But get away from this guy and stay away.

La_Baraka6431 said:

GOOD ON YOU!!! You exposed a CHEATING AHOLE. Male or female, HO PLAYS — HO PAYS. I hope she RAINS DOWN HELL on him.

Similar_Corner8081 said:

NTA He lied to you so he could date and sleep with you. Next time google the name so you can make sure he is separated or divorced. He ruined his own marriage by cheating.

MelBirchfire said:

NTA You listened to your intuition (better late then never) and sorted things out. You did a good deed for both yourself and his wife. You both deserve better. You never know if he has another girlfriend and brings home a serious STD at some point or gets you pregnant just to jump states then again. 🤷🏼

EmpireStateOfBeing said:

Ma'am I'm sorry but you saw every red flag and walked by them like you were colorblind. Future tip, don't date a married man, and a man working on a divorce is STILL a married man. NTA though.

OP responded:

I own that 100%. I should have stopped seeing him immediately… bc even if they’re “separated” that’s not a mess I need any part of- for my own heart and on my own integrity.

thelittlestdog23 said:

Of course he thinks you’re the asshole lol, who cares what he thinks? Why are you still talking to him? He’s married with a kid and he lied to you for eight months. That’s not your soul mate.

OP responded:

To be clear I am NOT talking to him. Haven’t spoken to him since the night I found out. I was however questioning myself, hence my post. Only thing we could possibly have to talk about is the money he owes me for taking him to see his son, but I’m not holding my breath.

And HiAmbition1 said:

YTA once you knew he was married and no divorce papers, then you should have left, he will do the same to you if you had stayed.

She later shared this brief update:

He has escalated to name calling, blaming me for his impending custody battle, and all around belittling me and wishing that I rot in hell.