"AITA for calling my fiancé dumb?"
My fiancé (26M) and I (26F) have had a huge disagreement. He's a good person and we generally get along well. We've had several disagreements over his lack of concern over things that I am VERY concerned by.
He is very academically smart, but common sense wise, there is next to nothing there. Over the last 4 years that we've been together, he's routinely forgotten to lock doors, broken valuable items due to carelessness (leaving fragile items on the edge of surfaces and then not remembering and knocking them off), and most recently, leaving our rear door completely open... Twice.
For over an hour while I was in a meeting, and eventually entered the kitchen to see the back door wide open. We also live in a terraced house, where several houses either side of us could have seen it open, and there are low fences that can easily be jumped.
While we live in a somewhat safe area, the crime rate isn't low. I've grown up in a house where we routinely used to experience attempted burglaries, but my family were always extremely vigilant in ensuring that everything was locked and secured.
This evening, we had a knock at the door from someone wearing an "X Gas Company" sweatshirt. It's 7pm, so quite late for a knock at the door, and yet he opens it and engages in a full on conversation with this guy who's asking tonnes of questions about our gas bills, who our provider is, if we have gas metres, what we pay etc etc.
My fiancé is answering these questions and giving more information (nothing like names and birthdays etc but he obviously has our address and knows everything about our provider and bills, now) all while my fiancé hasn't even asked him a single question! No ID check, no name, absolutely nothing. They were talking for 15 minutes!
He then proceeds to open the ENTIRE front door so this guy is watching me eat my dinner, and starts talking to me too about what I've cooked. I then stop eating as... I'm not going to eat with a stranger literally staring at me with the door open???
We get into it big time after he eventually leaves. I tell my fiancé that for someone who works against scams, he sure is extremely susceptible to trusting strangers. He told me that I was overreacting and I told him that he was dumb and careless.
Yes the guy might have been legit, but did he even ask for any verification whatsoever? His response was that the guy had an "X Gas Company" jumper!!!!! I asked for him to leave me alone and he said "easily done" so I said get lost, and he then shouted "F you" and has never, ever sworn at me before.
I was taken aback and didn't know how to react. I said it back and he stormed off. I know that I swore at him first, but it hurts knowing that he'd told me that that was a line he'd never cross. So tell me, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA for calling him dumb, cause he is.
YTA, you started the name calling. I am not saying that he is not careless, and perhaps naive. But name calling is wrong, and you cannot blame him for standing up for himself. Someone else commented this; are you sure that you respect this person? It sure does not seem like you respect him. I was inclined initially to ESH, but I thought deeper into it after I read that comment.
YTA. He was naive but you started the name calling, then played the victim when he does the same. You were not being a good partner.
It's important that he understands just how frustrating his careless behaviour is. And how dangerous. He seems very naive and has probably been looked after all his life, so he has no idea what is out there. Has he ever been assaulted, robbed or scammed? Probably not. But should he learn the hard way.
ESH. His behavior was clueless, careless, and generally unacceptable. However, you started with an attack on his intelligence and then escalated to swearing at him. What was your goal here?
If it was to express your anger, well then, good job. If, however, your goal was to get him to change his behavior, you went about this all wrong. Shift from "You're dumb" and "fuck off" to "What you're doing makes me feel unsafe" and "Here's why" and "What compromises can we each make to make us both happier?".
For me, YTA. Everyone can get frustrated over things their partner does I think that's perfectly normal. My fiancée sometimes does things that doesn't makes sense to me (and I also do things that doesn't makes sense to her as we both functions differently) and I get a bit frustrated sometimes but I would never call her dumb or swear at her.
I think you should've taken the time to calm things down and then explain that it made you anxious and that you think it wasn't very careful of him to give such informations.
If it's not the first time that you got angry at him or swore at him I think it's normal that he crossed that line even if it's something he said he wouldn't do. Maybe you crossed a boundary for him and hurt him too much so he crossed his own line and values.
Way to make this about you...you're hurt? You sound like a shitty partner and a shitty person to be around and this is coming from your biased retelling. YTA.
I am like your husband in my relationship with my wife. I get it. I get the frustration over carelessness and not locking doors and our heads being up in the clouds all the time. But she has never called me dumb.....yet. Dumb is a strong word. You could have used "Careless. Too trusting. Naive" All of which would have delivered the same message without being hurtful.
YTA. When you reach the level of contempt and disrespect you clearly have for your partner, you need to break up. It sounds like he has ADHD, and he obviously isn't actually dumb.
And if you really thought the interaction with the gas man was dangerous, why did you just sit there instead of intervening? You are equally to blame. and I do think you were overreacting because knowing who provides your gas isn't super secret, private information.
But again--if you were so concerned, get off your ass and do something instead of insulting and cursing at your fiancé afterwards? Also it's telling that you have no qualms about swearing at him but you are soooo upset he swore at you.
Ask yourself this question: Am I willing to live with someone for the REST OF MY LIFE that is this annoying and careless? If the answer is NO, break up, count your losses and move on.