'AITA for calling my wife selfish for even considering taking a job across the country?' NEW UPDATE

"AITA for calling my wife selfish for even considering taking a job across the country and trying to uproot our family?"

So my wife was recently offered a job across the country, which requires relocation but also will have frequent travel obligations. My wife feels this would be a huge plus to her career but issue is we have two children and my medical practice is here.

What she will earn is not even half of what I currently make. She is currently not working so I told her if she wants to take the job she would have to help with childcare expenses which would likely include a nanny cause I sometimes work nutty hours depending if I have a mandated hospital shift.

She feels this is unfair because she would have to cover her own living expenses and paying for childcare on top of that would leave her with very little.

This job is not even providing a relocation bonus. She suggested we move but everything we know is here. Our children have their friends here and transferring my medical license is not all that simple.

Her final suggestion is she takes the kids, I stay here and cover the cost of childcare and expenses cause she claims child care and CoL is cheaper. Just not cheap enough for her potential salary to sustain me being a SAHP. I want to support her but her suggestions seem half baked to me.

This is what people had to say to OP:

LoveLolaHeart said:

NTA and it's a bit concerning for the state of your marriage that your wife suggested that you and she live in different parts of the country. I could be way off base but if she's going from not working to suddenly wanting to move across the country with the kids for a career, it's possible she's getting her ducks in a row prior to asking for a separation.

If she moved with the kids and then filed for divorce, it's possible you'd have to give up your practice and move to where she is if you want to see your children. I don't know what kind of career your wife is looking to have but I can't imagine there isn't another opportunity that's more geographically desirable. I would have a sit-down with her and emphasize you want to support her without ripping your family in half.

sooner-1125 said:

What are her long term prospects staying locally?

OP responded:

In what she wants to do not great. She can leverage her engineering degree to work at a civil engineering firm doing consulting but she did that prior and she hated it. Her current offer actually would have her working on infrastructure and work on something with meaning.

Ok_Luck_1098 said:

NTA - but unlike everyone here who thinks she’s not into the relationship I might suggest she is simply tired of being home so much and wants to have a professional identity outside the home for her. If she’s not working, she might feel pressure to accept the first job offer she gets bc to her it’s been a long time coming. It sounds like financially it won’t work, which stinks for her.

But be understanding. Imagine if you were home all the time and suddenly someone offered you a job you had longed for. Then respond with that awareness in mind.

Background-Jelly1422 said:

NTA. I would understand if you were a stay at home dad, that would be reasonable. I didn’t really get, are you completely against of her going to work, or this one specifically? If this one then you are completely justified, especially considering that there are kids involved. Ripping them away from their friends is rude and unnecessary

OP responded:

I am not against her working at all, just not in favor of moving to a different state.

Three days later, OP shared this update:

Brief update since I got some requests, not much has changed. I spoke with our kids and of course they like it where we are they are kids. The reason my wife wants to take this job is because she feels due to nature of how she got the offer her old professor / mentor and that she is also a female engineer she understands her position.

My wife is free to do what she pleases she does not need my permission but by no means can she expect us to uproot everything on the drop of a dime. I would never ask that for you.

I did suggest she tries and create her own firm here and find like minded individuals who share a similar experience and create the work environment she wants. She is concerned she won't be able to break through that barrier of entry. I told we could find a means to fund said venture, but logistics of moving does not make sense at this. I would need at minimum a year to get my affairs in order.

Working on research, working on opening an infusion center near the hospital that would take every insurance. This is a big one for me since many of the infusion centers near us do not take certain insurances since they pay so little. Looking to possibly expand my MS clinic with more providers who are willing do this labor of love for our community. I cannot just drop all of that.

I did tell my wife I have no intention of stopping her, and if she wishes to go that is fine but I would not be sustaining two households. She moves she would be responsible for all costs associated with the move. I will cover our shared expenses and primary residence and that is all.

I will cover everything here and she would be responsible for her own expenses. I told her I would probably also lower or get of the credit cards also since I know her she would live off credit if she had to.

I threw out the option if she can request she works from home three out of the four weeks she is not traveling and we can take it slow. See what the housing market is like, see what schools look like, normal stuff you do before moving. She was not in favor of waiting since allegedly they need her answer by October.

I have no desire to divorce but I am a child of divorce and was raised by my dad. Overall his outlook on divorce has always been no point fighting if the person has already checked out. If my wife wants out I will respect that.

My wife has only been a SAHP for around 5 years. She worked when we had our first born and well into the pregnancy of our second. She took maternity leave when that was done went back to work. Few months after her return she was passed for a project / contract she did the legwork to secure which lead her to quit and stay home with the kids.

Our kids have been in daycare, under grandparents care. My mom took two years to help with our first born her parents took off time for our second. Our second has been in "academic daycare" as she puts since they were 3. So it is not like she does not get breaks or is always with the children alone.

My hours can be chaotic but I made her well aware of this when we started to date and progress. When we started to date I was already vested in our community. My gut tells me she is going to take the job, and yes it possibly will lead to divorce and if that is the case given how much traveling she will be doing I suspect I would be granted primary custody. I would not take CS from her have no desire or need for it.

Sorry for the stream of consequences, it is slightly disjointed cause this is an frustrating position to be in. I have no desire to be in this position but I have other responsibilities I cannot just drop without proper notice. If it comes to divorce that is the way it played out and you just roll with it.

As my parents told me I will tell my kids. Just because they were no longer together does not mean either of them loved me any less. Granted it was not a cross country thing in our case, my parents lived blocks away from one another. Was a pretty easy transition on my part, I hope we can do the same for our kids if need be.

The deal is far worse than I thought but it is a small start up thing with a small team. Who won the project since they took a huge cut on their profits. So pay is actually a lot less than half what I make. More like one third of what I make if that.

So I can see how she cannot afford to cover any shared expenses, she probably will barely be able to cover her own expenses. We will see, but all signs point to her taking the job and we will jusy adjust but if divorce happens it happens that is life. I do love my wife but she is her own person with free will. ​