'AITA for calling off my engagement 3 days after saying yes?' 'My good boy!'

"AITA for calling off my engagement 3 days after saying yes?"

As the title says, my bf (31M) proposed to me (28F) about two weeks ago. I was really excited about getting engaged. The proposal was so nice and I said yes, until he told me the story of the ring.

For context, his family (specifically, his mom) is overly involved in his life. We’ve addressed this before but as we live in another country from her it hasn’t been too disruptive until now. Basically, she bought the ring in his home country and bought it over to him.

At first I thought maybe it was because he wanted a specific diamond but it was lab grown so there was no specific reason he couldn’t have bought it himself. While he is still semi financially dependent on them as he’s been studying to be a doctor and he just graduated...

I know the savings he has and he had enough money to pay for it, he just chose not to. When we called her to tell her we’re engaged, I was excited and said “look how beautiful it is!” She said “I know, I bought it." She then proceeded to tell me she not only bought it, but she also tried it on and so did his sister.

About a year ago they were pressuring his sister’s bf to propose and offered to pay for the ring. I told my bf if that happened to us and they bought my ring I would say no.

In general this woman treats him like a baby anyway. In the past I had planned things for his birthday, only to have her fly to the country where we live to spend his birthday with him. I heard this through him also, she didn’t even text me to tell me or ask if I had plans.

Other weird things is she tries to make everything a competition between me and her. She calls him "my boy’" when he’s a 31 year old man. When we first met he said if she didn’t like me he would break up with me, when I told this story at a family event about how stressed I was to meet her after this she jumped up and hugged him and cried “my good boy!”

On another occasion when she was visiting, when he went to the bathroom she said girls have hurt him in the past and essentially threatened me saying her and his sister wouldn’t be happy if I hurt him. They also text all day everyday saying I love you so much etc, and even he texts her whenever we’re going anywhere that he’s taking off/landing.

At 31, my parents don’t know or care where I am 90% of the time because I’m an adult and I would consider us a close family (like best friends, equals). Now he’s saying I’m not ready for commitment for giving back the ring. When I explained about his mom etc, he said he feels I’m trying to stop him being close to his family.

Now I feel like the villain. The last thing I want is to separate him from his support system, I’m always trying to encourage him to spend time with friends. Now his family is texting him saying they’re worried about him and he deserves someone that is sure about him. I don’t understand this and I don’t feel comfortable in this situation. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

dee_sul said:

Girl, run. NTA.

Rivulet_Girl said:

NTA at all. it sounds like the issue isn't just the ring but the dynamic between him and his mom. if he's not seeing how that affects you now, it’s unlikely to get better later. you’re allowed to want a partnership where you come first.

Waste_Worker6122 said:

You were an ahole for saying yes before thinking it through. But you corrected that and said never mind. No aholes here, just a very mismatched couple who should go their separate ways.

courgettine said:

NTA and your boyfriend is one. The fact he is not siding with you and trying to understand you says a lot, the fact he is trying to guilt tripping you for having an extremely valid worry and not considering your feelings about his super abnormal relationship with his mom says a lot too.

His mom’s behavior is problematic and that’s one thing, but the fact that he doesn’t act on it shows he is as problematic as his mom. You deserve better and I’m sorry for the person who’s going to be dating him next.

Hippo_lover76 said:

NTA. You have correctly identified a huge red flag. Stay the course.

Remote-Visual7976 said:

NTA--you need to move on from the relationship. You think it's bad now--what happens when it comes to planning the wedding. Is it going to be when/where/how she wants? When you have kids she will expect to be in the room - have a say in the name and will definitely criticize you and call them "my baby" oh and your partner will not have your back and will tell you to suck it up because we cannot upset mommy.

RumiReadss said:

NTA, you saw the red flags. A lifelong partner’s loyalty shouldn’t be up for auction to an overbearing mom, and choosing her control over your feelings is a dealbreaker, not just a ring issue.