Woman calls out boyfriend’s family for gaslighting over holiday sleeping rules. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for calling out my boyfriend's family for changing the sleeping arrangement rules to favor his brother and SIL?"
One-Street5122
I (24F) and my boyfriend Nathan (26M) have been together for 6 years. This year, we traveled to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. For context, Nathan is one of four brothers: Alex (single), Jack (married to Jill), Nathan (me), and Luke (married to Millie, with a nearly 2-year-old). Everyone lives out of state except Luke and Millie. Nathan and I have the longest drive at 9 hrs.
Here’s the issue: Nathan’s parents, Mary and John, have only two guest bedrooms. Three couples tend to visit at a time, meaning someone has to sleep on an air mattress in-between the rooms.
The first year I visited, I was told they’d rotate who gets the air mattress to keep it fair. But after three years on it, we were told it was now “first come, first serve.” Nathan’s job doesn’t allow much holiday time, so we’re almost always last to arrive and stuck on the air mattress. While annoying, we understood—it seemed logical.
This year was different. Nathan and I got Monday through Thursday off and would arrive first. I talked to Mary about how we were to finally get a bedroom, and she laughed, saying, “Yep, first come, first serve.”
Millie, who I’ve grown close to, knew we were thrilled about the prospect of getting a bed this year. She even decided to come early too so we could hang out, and we planned I’d take the twin room, and she’d take the queen.
Here’s where it gets frustrating. The day we left, I texted Mary our ETA. A few hours later, Millie texted me, saying Luke had spoken with Mary, who mentioned Jack and Jill would get the queen room and Luke and Millie the twin room—leaving Nathan and me on the air mattress again.
Luke called Mary out, reminding her of the “first come, first serve” rule, but she suddenly claimed she “never said that” and justified her decision because Jack and Jill would be staying an extra day. (For context, Jack and Jill were arriving a day later than us, so this reasoning felt like an excuse.)
When we arrived, Nathan brought up the rule again, but Mary got defensive, claimed she didn’t remember ever saying it, and refused to budge. I said several sarcastic comments as I felt this was really unfair.
I pointed out rules are rules, until they didn't serve Jill. And that we always do it a certain way UNTIL that means Jill has to take the air mattress and she could come up with any justification but that doesn't make it fair.
I even pointed out it's silly for us to now have to board out dogs, and drive 8 hrs before anyone else got here just to change the rules now. She had plenty of time to bring this up with our many conversations leading up to this.
She became increasingly sassy about the situation, leaving us feeling defeated and, frankly, a little targeted. AITA for speaking up over thinking Mary unfairly changed the rules to suit Jack and Jill, and that we’re always stuck with the short end of the stick?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Tdluxon
INFO- What is Jack and Jill's position on this whole thing? Seems like unless they are refusing to take the air mattress it becomes sort of a non-issue and Mary doesn't need to decide. Is she a conservative, "men and women shouldn't sleep together until they are married" type (seems like she wants the married couples to have their own rooms)?
Bottom line though, if this continues, I would just start staying in a hotel (or not going), the whole thing seems like way more of a hassle than its worth.
One-Street5122 (OP)
I didn't have enough room and ran out of character to address this. It is ( what everyone has said in the family, not that I've heard it directly from them to be fair) That they won't come again at all if they have to take a turn on the air mattress. But that's speculation, and they no longer show up for Christmas at all after the year all the brothers showed up.
Natural_Lifeguard_44
I’m confused by this but Luke and Millie should always get a room with their child. Alex who’s single can sleep on a couch or wherever. The other bedroom should switch off every year between the two couples.
fernswordgirl432
NTA and honestly, I'd just leave if it were me. Every time you guys dance their dance, they think it's okay. I'd go home to my nice bed, get the dogs, order a half-baked pizza tomorrow and cook it up on Thursday. They are being rude and if this is their status quo for the foreseeable future, you want none of it.
CandylandCanada
NTA. Move your things into the twin room. Let mom explain it when Jack arrives. Think of how nice it will be to wake up in your own bed on Thanksgiving next year. Bonus: no need to drive 8 hours or pay for the dogs' boarding!
Puzzled-Safe4801
Get a hotel. Problem solved. Your boyfriend’s parents don’t have enough room for everyone. They obviously favor other family members. Next year, go somewhere else for Thanksgiving.
DinoSnuggler
NTA, but stop playing their game. Either stop going or get a hotel - frankly, you should have turned around and left. If your boyfriend has a problem with this, tell him to sort it out with his parents. Keep in mind that this is how it will go on forever so long as you put up with it.
nolan358
ESH - Them for changing the rules and you for still going every year and being a doormat.
Physical_Ad6875
It’s their house, so they can make up whatever ridiculous rules they want. No one is making you and Nathan go there every year…just stay home!
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
One-Street5122
I feel like I may have let y'all down on this one based on the advice, but here's how things went: Later Monday night, Nathan spoke to his mom, and we did get the bed for the one night before Jack and Jill arrived.
Initially, it was only offered for us to move the air mattress into the queen bedroom for the night, but Nathan pointed out that we were being made to sleep on an air mattress when a bed was readily available.
The next morning, Nathan had to run errands where we used to live before we moved. While he was gone, I washed the sheets and remade the bed, even though Luke and Millie told me I didn’t have to wash them—just remake the bed. (While everyone in the family is very clean, Mary always insists on washing the sheets between visitors, so I did it out of respect for her preferences.)
Millie and Luke even offered for us to take their bed, but honestly, it wasn’t just about the bed. It was about the promises that were made and then retracted, despite these rules being in place for years. It was also about the gaslighting and the fact that Mary didn’t tell us ahead of time, even though there were so many chances to do so.
As close friends to Luke and Millie, I didn’t want to put them in the position of being uncomfortable on the air mattress either. (While I’ve never had a child myself, I know your body isn’t the same afterward, especially your back.) We ultimately agreed to move the air mattress into Luke and Millie’s room since they had a heater, and it gave us a little bit of privacy.
We tried to make the most of the holidays and enjoy our time there despite everything. Later, Mary mentioned plans to get two pull-out couches—one for the area between the rooms and one for the twin bedroom. While this was thoughtful, it still didn’t address the issue of changing the rules to suit others.
Mary has already stated that we’ll have a bedroom for Christmas, but if this promise is broken again, we won’t stay at their house in the future. Nathan and I have decided that if we don’t get a bed for Christmas, we’ll stay in a hotel. (We’re still planning to go because it’s Luke and Millie’s son’s birthday.)
For Thanksgiving next year, if there isn’t enough room, we’re staying home. However, Nathan and I are currently planning on getting a house, and Luke and Millie suggested that once we do, we could host Thanksgiving there.
They said they’d love to attend, which is exciting because Millie and I are both avid bakers and love cooking.(whenever Millie and I bring dishes to these gatherings, they’re barely touched—except by us and our partners. )
We’re also planning to visit Luke and Millie more often. They are considering moving closer to the parents and when they host holidays in the future, we’ll always have a guaranteed space at their home.
To address popular questions for info on the last post.
Alex: He doesn't come for Thanksgiving, he only saves his days off for Christmas. Also he has rarely gotten put on an air mattress ( only once that I remember and that was Luke and Millies Wedding).
When all four bros used to come for holidays it was Alex in the twin, Luke ( pre marriage or girlfriend) on the air mattress in that room, Nathan and I in-between rooms, and Jack and Jill in the queen.
Hotel: This house is in the middle of nowhere. Closest decent hotel is around 45- 1 hr. The main draw of visiting is everyone ( except parents) stay up late all evening playing board games/ DnD and drinking.
We used to do a drunk gingerbread making contest. As for the distance to a hotel, that would mean missing out on hanging out, and their are no Ubers here. Also before we moved this year, we didn't stay as many days and didn't mind staying on the air mattress 1-2-3 days due to what seemed fair to us.
We also were the second closest cpl and just didn't get as much time off which always made us last. Also, we didn't get a hotel this time after the incident, due to saving up for a house/ wedding. We didn't have spare cash floating around. Honestly y'all know this economy and unexpected expenses.
Millie and Luke: The live within the state, barely. It's not feasible for them to stay home or us stay with them. Also staying with Millies parents isn't an option. They don't get along, and interact due to their child. As Millie believes her child deserves a relationship with his grandma even if she doesn't have a great relationship with her mom. Also there is no room.
Mary. This was completely out of character for Mary. Infact the only person everyone in the house has an issue with is John. Mary is the one who wants all of their sons home for the holidays and goes out of her way to make sure we'll all attend ( usually).
Luke does believe the change was due to his Dad and their mom was made the messenger. Because the Mom is usually a big person on fairness, and mostly have had no issues ( other than ones John push her into)
This was also backed up by Johns reaction to hearing we stayed in the room for one night. Before this interaction, Mary is one of four people that I've stated I'd take a bullet for, due to her normal kindness.
Jack and Jill. Most in the house has had an issue with them. Previous holidays they have thrown a fit due to us voting on where to eat and none of us wanted to go where they chose. So they refused to eat with us. Jill is the main issue of this and similar things happen everytime.
This year Millie asked if we could play the board game in their room one night as she was on the phone with her sister playing an online game, and we didn't have much room due to the air mattress.
Jill stated she wasn't willing to, and either it was in our room or they weren't playing. They are also the reason we have to board the dogs. Their dog is aggressive and with a small child it's not safe. However if they aren't attending we are allowed to bring our dogs.
Chronic illness/ pregnancy: For all the comments about pregnancy, Jill is not pregnant. About health reason, Millie has some chronic illness they are still trying to figure out. Jill used to be on the overweight side but has lost a significant amount in three years.
I have insomnia. Both Millie and I have bipolar disorder and endometriosis. This is inconvenient due to my period usually hitting during the holidays.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Did you let Mary know she’s about to lose family time in the future because of her bad behavior? She needs to be called out for her gaslighting.
One-Street5122 (OP)
She's gonna know when we get a hotel for Christmas. When she asks we'll tell her why. And it'll drive home the point when we're not there for Thanksgiving. The sad part is my boyfriend plans on proposing around Christmas and they'll definitely miss it lol, I'm gonna suggest doing it when we're out for dinner.
dude, this is so sad to read. so you basically had to beg to sleep in an available bed for one night and then were kicked out of it? And firstly you weren't even offered that bed, just to put the mattress on the floor in that room, while the bed was waiting for other brother? that is just so degrading.
What’s going to happen after you’re married with a baby? Will you still be expected to give in? Seems like a hotel solves Mary’s problem and rewards her with your presence, anyway. I don’t have a solution but it’s so obvious who the problem people are. You two deserve better.
One-Street5122 (OP)
We are only going this Christmas for Millie and Luke's kid. It is his birthday as well, and we don't want to miss it. Nathan finally agreed the hotel was the best plan before he went to bed. If we have a kid, we aren't going anywhere. We've agreed on that part years ago. 😂 honestly wouldn't trust John around my kid. Honestly, Mary will be upset as she wants them all home. I really appreciate it.
I think we all want to know more about John. Why would he be to blame and not Mary? Why don’t you trust him around future kids? Why would he play favorites with Jack and Jill?
One-Street5122 (OP)
Honestly not sure why he would favor Jack and Jill tbh, because he usually has the worst to say about them. We believe it's because the ultimatum they've given about the bed. I just think John has too many red flags. He hasn't been nice to any of the wives/ girlfriends and usually makes inappropriate comments when we're alone.
Luke believes it's something his Dad would do, and that his Mom was acting really out of character, which I saw as well. And I believe because when he saw me doing laundry and asked why, I told him we slept in the bedroom.
He did this face we all make fun of, and proceeded to turn and walk away and slammed his bedroom door. We all collectively just avoid John including his sons due to his disrespectful behavior. He's asked me if I wanted to lick his plate before, as well as make comments about my boobs. Both times Mary has jumped in and told him to stop.
He was also really weird when Millie was pregnant, touching her feet alot and taking tons of photos as she was actively in birth. When they next visited he was streaming the photos to the TV for the family to see ( we weren't there).
Just last year, he made a Facebook post stating this, " This morning I'm thankful for God's many blessings. Mary and Kid are asleep in the playpen in the livingroom. I have 3 sons and 2 daughter in laws asleep upstairs.
We are safe, warm, and happy. Thank you Lord ❤️" ( edited to remove names) but lol I was there too. He went out of his way to ask me if I saw his post. So that's why after the situation occurred we figured out it was probably John.