'AITA for calling out my husband and his parents after they tried to embarrass my stepdaughter in front of her friends?'
"AITA for calling out my husband and his parents after they tried to embarrass my stepdaughter in front of her friends?"
Present-Serve-2446
My husband's parents stayed with us for a few days and the other night we had an issue that resulted in my stepdaughter being upset/angry, me angry, and them and my husband angry.
I met my stepdaughter when she was 6. I started dating my husband when she was 5. We married when she was 8. I'll admit, when we first met, knowing her mom had passed, I thought I would be filling in as a mom-like or at least a second mom figure. In my heart I wanted to be her mom and for her to be my daughter.
It was clear before we got married that it wouldn't happen. She was actually very resistant to being around me. I told my husband we needed therapy together before we got married because she had to be okay with things and we needed to figure out what our family dynamic would look like.
I won't bore you with unnecessary details but she didn't want to replace her mom. She was already very insecure about me being around because her parents hadn't been together when her mom died, which to her meant she was alone loving her mom.
But she knew what we wanted, for her to love me and see me as another mom. It scared her. It made her sad. It made her tummy hurt, to quote my stepdaughter. Through therapy we figured out what the relationship would be like.
My husband the parent, me an adult in the home, and a safe person for my stepdaughter. My husband would keep 1:1 time with my stepdaughter, we'd spend some time together naturally over time, and in the way that worked best without forcing it. My stepdaughter would call me by my first name. I'd call her my stepdaughter, not daughter.
We worked it all out. We have been good with all of that. She and I have a good relationship, she's a sweet big sister to her half siblings (and yes, we use half). It's all normal.
Then a few days ago my stepdaughter had brought friends into the house quickly. New friends. She introduced us all, introducing me by name. My MIL told her she could say more than my name.
She told them I was her stepmother technically but more of a friend. Then my husband and his parents interrupted and said she should be more generous than that and I'm the only real mother she's ever had in her life and they started to say how grateful she should be to have someone like me as a mother, when she started crying and I told them to stop.
That my name had been fine. They should stop pushing and trying to humiliate her. My stepdaughter told my husband she always knew he thought her mom was worthless but she doesn't. I told her to go get ready and have fun, gave her some extra cash, and then an argument broke out between me and them (husband and ILs).
They felt I should appreciate the gesture of defending me. I told them it wasn't defending me, it was done to humiliate her enough into introducing me how they wanted.
My husband regretted his actions afterward. I told him he'll have to do a lot to make up for it. His parents, however, feel I was cruelly unfair to them and should not have snapped at them like I did. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Open-Incident-3601
NTA. Your husband broke the contract that he made with you and his daughter in therapy. And he broke it to placate his parents. Your stepdaughter clearly gets that your husband hates her mother. I hope you let her talk to you about her mom and her memories. Her mom is half of the reason the daughter is a lovely human and your husband is going to push her away.
Stillwater-Scorp1381
NTA. None of them had any business dropping opinions about your mother/stepdaughter relationship in front of guests, regardless of their age or who invited them. How incredibly rude and hurtful of your in laws and husband.
I’m glad you stood up for the girl and stood your ground. The three of them owe apologies to you both as well as your stepdaughter’s friends who were present. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it was for them when she was brought to tears.
OdoDragonfly
NTA. OP, you are doing soooo well with your stepdaughter!!! She sees you as a FRIEND! She also sees that you are the one and only person who allows her to still think of her mom as her one and only Mom. This incident is only going to make her more certain that she can trust you to let her have all of her emotions. And I do believe that she cares about you and knows you care about her.
Also, your husband needs to watch himself or you will end up being this girl's only parental figure. His parents, too. They could completely lose their granddaughter if they persist in this sort of behavior.
I'm assuming that she's a teen by now as she has a couple of half siblings. That means that she's only a few years from having a choice about whether she interacts with them at all. Does she have grandparents on her mother's side?
Travel8054
NTA. You discussed how it would work in therapy and your husband and his parents went against that. They are trying to prematurely push a relationship that isn't there yet. It's making your step daughter uncomfortable and it needed to be shut down.
You did the right thing by saying it was ok and she can call you by your name. You are doing the right thing by respecting her feelings. Your husband and his parents overstepped. It's good that your husband apologized. So long as he agrees about what to do moving forward.
I also feel like your husband should talk to his parents and explain the situation better and let them know not to step in like that. And also tell them that you are wanting her to call you by your name and to respect that. They need to respect what you have going on.
Peony-Pony
Obviously, you're NTA. Your in laws need to stop meddling. What isn't broken doesn't need to be fixed. And your husband should be ashamed of himself for jumping on the band wagon and potentially doing more harm than good. Your family dynamic isn't unusual and your family lives in harmony and he was willing to jeopardize it all for what? To cause unnecessary upset?