'AITA for calling out my friend with fertility issues for making my pregnancy about her?' UPDATE + FRIEND RESPONDS

"AITA for making my friend cry with my pregnancy?"

So me (F30) and my boyfriend (M32) have found out we’re expecting our first baby. We couldn’t wait to tell everyone, but waiting until the 12 week mark to tell our friends and family.

So we hit the 12 week mark with zero problems. We tell our parents who are absolutely ecstatic and I decide to tell my 3 friends via zoom call on Friday night. I call them and we’re chatting so I decide to tell them my news. All three of them look incredibly happy for me and while two of my friends were asking me questions one of my friends (we’ll call her beth) suddenly shut off her camera.

My friends and I kept chatting and I just brushed it off that she went to the toilet or something. But when she came back, she was sniffing and looked like she had been crying. One of my friends asked her if she was ok and she said she was. Suddenly all of them were asking Beth if she was alright, even though she was insisting she was fine.

To be honest, I was getting annoyed with her because of it. She has been struggling with fertility issues since she was 19 (now 30) and it was like she was making my news all about her. It felt like she was stealing my thunder, so I said to her “Look I get you’ve had fertility issues Beth but you don’t have to make everything about you”

She then logged off and my friends said i was being an @$$hole because I should be more sensitive to her needs. Frankly I think she should be more sensitive to mine as I’m the one who’s pregnant and who’s going through a life changing experience, not her. It’s been a few days and Beth still hasn’t called to apologise, but my friends think I should. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

YTA for this sentence alone: "I’m the one who’s pregnant and who’s going through a life changing experience, not her." Sorry I didnt' realize having multiple miscarriages wasn't a life changing experience.

acidmoss said:

YTA, but not for the reason in the title. You have the right to tell your friends, and she has the right to cry, but what you said basically amounted to “hey, I recognize that you have struggled with something for more than a decade now, but I really couldn’t give two sh!ts about your problems”

she wasn’t trying to make it about her, if she was she wouldn’t have shut the camera off and would have instead done it all on camera.

Edit from OP:

To those who said I was insensitive, I've been friends with her since university, I've heard her talk about this for virtually 10 years and I've been as supportive as I can. This was supposed to be a happy moment to celebrate something that was happening to me and by shifting the conversation, she basically made my moment all about herself.

shyfidelity said:

She won’t apologize, but you probably should. That was a rude thing to say. Sure, your feelings are valid but so are hers and you just called her out to feel better about yourself. How’d that work out? YTA.

Why would you include your friend struggling with infertility in your call, by the way? Did you not anticipate her being sensitive?

She then shared this update:

Due to the negative comments, I decided to reach out to try and move past this. I texted her and said “ Hi [Beth] look, i’m sorry if you were upset the other night. But you can’t expect me to hide my pregnancy from you. If it was that upsetting, maybe you shouldn’t have come back to the zoom call.

I understand you’re probably feeling emotional, but sitting there sniffling was going to attract attention and im sorry but this just wasn’t about you. I want to move past this and I’m sorry that you got upset, but i feel we both need to be adults." She responded with the following:

“[OP], we have been friends for 9 and a half years and I was so happy to hear you and [boyfriend] were finally starting a family. But you know me and [Husband] have suffered two losses and have had our second round of fertility treatments canceled.

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m making this about myself, that’s honestly the last thing I want, but I just needed a moment to compose myself because it was another reminder that it wasn’t going to happen for us for a while and I just got a bit emotional.

However, I never tried to steer the conversation to talking about my issues and you didn’t need to bring it up on Zoom, even [friend 1] and [friend 2] have said you were acting like a complete bully bringing it up.

I think I need some distance for a while. I love you, but that just wasn’t fair. I’m over the moon for you guys and I’m sure you’ll make great parents. But I need some time to think”

I tried to apologise but she wasn’t having it. I guess I’m going to wait and see how things progress from here.

Then, her friend, who the post is about, responded:

ffsthisisnuts said:

Leah... please just stop.

Look I'm sorry if I upset you on friday, but I'm begging you to stop. You're making me out to be someone I'm not and I can't take it. Im sorry for taking the focus off you, me and James have been finding it hard lately and I mean it from the bottom from my heart that I am so happy you're starting a family. But you're posting this all over the internet.... I can't take it. Please Leah, just stop.

Laurainestaire wrote:

If this is really the friend she refers to in this post- I just have to say: I am so sorry for the heartlessness of your “friend” here. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 5+ years so I know the pain and devastation you are dealing with right now with our current situation.

Please know that NO ONE in the comments thinks YOU are the bad guy. The overwhelming response is that your “friend” here is a huge asshole and she should be completely ashamed of herself for how she has treated you. YOU have nothing to feel bad about. You have conducted yourself with grace and class, something your “friend” is very obviously missing.

I hope you don’t let her guilt you for your completely understandable reaction. Sending you love and support through this ridiculousness.

And ffsthisisnuts responded:

I only joined this to lurk in support groups, I never thought id be part of any stupid internet drama. Thank you for your kind words, we're struggling right now and this just isn't helping.

OP later shared this second update:

She’s now blocked me, but not before sending me a very long 'woe is me' message that's too long to post in an update. I'm just disappointed in her for wasting ten years of my life on her sorry ass. I don’t need someone holding me back or putting a downer on things because of fertility and anxiety bullshit. Here's to finding a better support network!

Thoughts??