'AITA for calling out my friend’s GF for her constant self-hatred during a friend's birthday?'

"Am I wrong for calling out my friend’s girlfriend for her constant self-hatred during a friend's birthday?"

I (mid 20s M) have a reputation in my friend group, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t, I’m the “mean” one. I’m blunt, I don’t sugarcoat things, and I lose patience fast with behavior I think is pointless or performative.

My friends usually describe me as honest to a fault. I’ve never been good at comforting people who just go in circles and refuse to take in anything positive. That kind of stuff has always bored me, and after a while, it actively irritates me. This matters because everyone keeps saying they’re shocked by what I said, even though I think this is very on-brand for me.

My friend Ben and I have known each other since college. He started dating his girlfriend, Erin, about a year ago. Erin is fat, and I want to be very clear that her body is not the issue here, the issue is that she brings it up constantly. From the first few times we met her, every hangout came with self-deprecating comments about her appearance.

If we went out to eat, she’d talk about how much of a big back she was for ordering food, if someone took a group photo, she’d immediately start criticizing herself. If anyone complimented her outfit or tried to hype her up, she’d shut it down and accuse them of just being polite or saying what they thought she wanted to hear.

At first, I assumed she was just nervous or insecure around new people so I bit my tongue, and everyone did. Over time, though, it never stopped and it became her default mode while hanging out with us.

Every compliment turned into an argument and every attempt at reassurance became another chance for her to insist she was ugly or disgusting and that no one was being honest with her. It sucked the joy out of conversations and forced everyone else into the role of being her personal unpaid therapist.

I’ll admit that over the months, my sympathy wore off. What replaced it was her being a bit repulsive to become, not because of her weight but the constantly self pity.

Watching someone refuse to believe anything good about themselves while demanding emotional labor from everyone else started to feel extremely pathetic to me. I kept tolerating it because Ben is my friend, but I’d already warned him privately that her behavior was exhausting and that one day she's going to get onto my last nerve.

Last weekend, we went out to a fancyish bar for a friend’s birthday so it was supposed to be a fun night. Erin started in almost immediately, making comments about how she looked awful and didn’t belong there. Someone complimented her dress but she dismissed it.

Another friend tried to reassure her that she looked nice , and she turned it into an accusation that they were lying and didn’t actually mean it. By this point, it had become a familiar rountine, and I could see everyone else tensing up, waiting for it to pass.

So that's when I told her that the problem wasn’t her weight, it was the relentless self-loathing, that constantly rejecting compliments and accusing people of being dishonest makes her miserable to be around. That if she’s determined to hate herself, that's fine and I don't care if she does but she doesn’t get to force everyone else to participate in it.

Erin almost immediately started to cry before leaving the bar, and Ben started yelling at me, saying I was publicly humiliating his girlfriend. The rest of the group awkwardly wrapped things up, and the night basically ended there.

Ben has officially demanded that I apologize or else we can't hang out anymore. Quite a few of my friends think it really wasn't the time or place to bring it up since it essentially ruined my friend's birthday, despite the friend saying it was fine.

I know I’m not a very gentle person, I know I’m the mean friend. But I also don’t think constantly enabling someone’s self-hatred is really a kindness either and I didn’t attack her appearance. Was I wrong for saying this?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Level-Satisfaction51 said:

You do realize your friend group, who apparently do have some tact and social grace and been calling you an AH for years right? That's what they are saying by "oh he's mean". That's......not something to be proud of. Your way of interacting with people is extremely condescending. There were many other better ways to address this.

Suspicious_Block174 said:

To quote the Big Lebowski, “you’re not wrong Walter, you’re just an @$$hole.” You’re not wrong in your opinion but your execution was extremely inappropriate. Honesty doesn’t have to be brutal, you can share an opinion without being deliberately mean. Doing this in public, at someone else’s birthday party, instead of as a private conversation is BUCK. WILD.

This applies a little less to this situation but based on how you describe yourself is something to keep in mind: an uninvited opinion is a judgement.

_corbae_ said:

I understand where you're coming from. And it needed to be said but it didn't need to be said in front of an audience. You did publicly humiliate that girl. I get that you pride yourself on being "brutally honest" . Im the same way. But you can do that with empathy and in private. Your "mean friend" shtick does not need to be a performance for multiple people.

mossthemothmouse said:

You’re not “honest to a fault” you lack decorum and respect for the people around you. You made a social gathering- a birthday- uncomfortable because you can’t control your mouth. You’re in the wrong 1000000% you’re very immature to hide behind the explanations of brutal honesty. Honesty isn’t brutal. Honesty without kindness is cruelty. You are cruel.

And HotAsElle said:

Your whole "on brand" outlook makes you a performative @$$hole who brings the tension and ruins events with unmoderated emotional behavior. Sound familiar?

Anyone who leans into being an AH or the "mean friend" is an unapologetic neon red flag, my guy. Being honest about it isn't the morality/logic pedestal you think it is. Big boys work through that attitude in high school and come out the other side.