'AITA for calling out my husband on his 'weaponized incompetence'?'

"AITA for telling my husband that his weaponised incompetence is pissing me off?"

I 32F have been married to my husband 33M for 9 years and together for 13 years. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

Since the youngest child was born, we have naturally become a bit split parented. For example, I will breastfeed the baby to sleep on the couch and do all night wakings for him and my husband will take the toddler to his room to read books until he falls asleep and does any night wakings for him (noting that is minimal because toddler usually sleeps through the night).

There are times where it has been different but this is the general rule. Well both kids are sick at the moment and therefore are a lot harder and waking a lot through the night. The baby has been sick for 4 weeks and I've dealt with it alone. Every night, multiple wake ups. Often we end up sleeping on the couch. Im exhausted. The toddler has been sick for 2 nights.

On the 2nd night, the toddler was struggling to sleep and was crying out that he needed a nappy change. My husband groaned and ignored him. I told him to get up and deal with it and he got super angry. Didn't say anything, just grunted angrily. I said, "your weaponised incompetence is pissing me off" and he then got up and changed the nappy and slept with the toddler for the rest of the night.

It felt like he was making a big deal so that I would just get up and do it (as I often do give in) rather than making him do it. Not too long after, I of course had to wake up for the baby which is why I wanted to sleep while I could. My husband thinks my algorithm is tainted against him and making me think he is worse than he is.

He doesn't agree that it is weaponized incompetence but as soon as I used those words he got up and did what he was meant to do. Obviously this is not the first example of him acting like a big baby so that I will step in and take charge of the parenting which is why this has become an issue. AITA for using those words to describe him?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Vivid-Farm6291 said:

Him being dipsy is a him problem and HE should have returned home to get the toddlers things. Don’t allow him to slack off because he will happily dump all of this on you. As for leaving a BABY unattended in the bath I would have gotten physical because that is so so dangerous. Many parents have popped out for a towel and returned to an unresponsive baby. He needs adult and parenting classes.

Is he actually capable of looking after his children alone? Like do you feel safe leaving him home with the kids for more than 15 minutes?

SarcasticAnd said:

That's not weaponized incompetence. That's learning if he whines you'll step in and solve the problem. Like when a toddler learns a tantrum works for treats in the checkout line. Stop fixing the problem for him when he whines. 🤷

Family_is_life_702 said:

People treat you the way you allow them to. You said it yourself “it felt like he was making a big deal so that I would just get up and do it (as I often do give in)…”. That might be ok when it was just the two of you but now you have two kids. He needs to help and you need to stop enabling him.

Senior-Cantaloupe-69 said:

Just divorce already. It's over.

chill_stoner_0604 said:

Just pointing out that this isn't weaponized incompetence. Thats when someone purposefully does a task wrong so they aren't asked to do it again. Refusing to do it at all or getting mad about it is just plain laziness. NTA though.

And OP responded:

I somewhat argue with my sister on this topic because she raises weaponized incompetence about my husband and I usually just think it's plain incompetence. Like he doesn't try to be bad at tasks, he just is bad. He has lower standards.

Like when his family comes to stay and I have to clean the bed sheets and make up the room and if I ask him to help he would just say "they dont need clean sheets, it's fine".

OP later updated her post in response to comments:

EDIT: For those saying more context is required, I did say it's not the first time but I guess with no other examples it is hard to make judgement. I will openly admit that all my examples are of the same basic calibre. He isn't a bad guy, just somewhat lazy.

For example, he has only bathed the baby once in his whole life (15 months old) and on the time that he did bath the baby, he left him in the bathtub alone and when I screamed why he isn't with the baby, he said it's not a big deal. I consider drowning risk a pretty big deal.

He has probably bathed the toddler maybe 5 times in his whole life. He just says I do a better job. Another example, i asked him to drop the toddler at care one day and he forgot his lunchbox and water bottle (which I had already prepared and placed near the door) because he doesn't think about the extras that are included in caring for the kids. I had to go drop them off later. As you can see, not a big deal. But tiring.

We'll keep you posted on any future updates!