'AITA for calling out my siblings who want to move Christmas plans to catch up with their friends?'
"AITA for calling my siblings out who wanted to move family Christmas plans to accommodate a catch up with their friends?"
For context, all of our family are having separate Christmas’s this year where we’re traveling to see the other sides of our family on the 25th.
We are all in our 50s with young / teenage children.
In early November we found one date in December we could all make to catch up and celebrate Christmas together before we all departed for separate trips. We had this date booked in the diary for 6+ weeks and my husband and I have declined subsequent plans with friends because that day was reserved for the family catch up.
The week of, as I’m messaging my sister-in-law to confirm finer details of the menu/plans for the upcoming day she mentioned that my brother (her husband) was calling other members of the family to try and get the date of the scheduled family catch up we had planned so they could go skiing with friends as the weather was “looking great that day."
Essentially the suggestion was we keep plans “loose” while they decided whether they would a) go skiing with friends, b) still commit to original scheduled plan to have the family Christmas that day or c) try and reschedule for a different day (there were no other dates that aligned when originally booked this in Nov and that was still the case a week out).
I admit I overreacted to this suggestion at the time over text that we “keep our weekend free” and rather than just saying “no the suggested new date doesn’t work for us” and explained that the mere suggestion of changing the date was hurtful as it showed to me they were wanting to prioritise friends over family.
That obviously went down like a cold cup of sick. We have since smoothed things over and we have ended up conceding and changing our plans to accommodate them going skiing and re-worked our plans to fit in a family catch up around other plans we have for the following day which will put extra pressure on our family but will work better for them.
Upon reflection my husband and I are still left mystified…the original point I was making to my sister-in-law and the reason I felt hurt in the first place remains the same. They wanted to move plans for a family Christmas catch up to prioritise a catch up with their friends, we declined catch ups with our friends that same day so we could prioritise a family Christmas.
I have been made to feel like the “bad guy” for challenging this as though plans were “loose” and things “always change at this time of year” and I “could’ve just said no and we would’ve kept the original plans on the original date” but when everyone is busy trying to fit in catch ups in the lead up to Christmas break it has left me feeling like we are not as much of a priority/ consideration to them as they are to us?
Without going into to many other details my partner and I always feel like we concede or be the bigger people and now I just feel like our usual amiable and flexible approach gets taken advantage of. I decided to put my foot down, it backfired, we changed plans to suit them…I still feel hurt.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Only-breadfruit6108 wrote:
While I agree that sometimes things change, the fact is that December is jam packed for everyone and you all chose this specific time because no others would align, so there is no other option.
NTA.
OP responded:
I think that’s what makes it hurtful. We are the first to be flexible, change plans, role with the punches at any other time of year.
The fact that is was the only date that worked for everyone to catch up pre-Christmas, we had used a WhatsApp poll to determine date and that was the only option that worked for everyone is what makes the choice to try and change the date feel very self motivated / self centered.
Bananasyntaxerror wrote:
I would feel hurt. Next time, don't bother working around them, just do what you want, and if challenged, just say 'well your priority last time was skiing because the weather was looking great that day, so my priority is hanging out with my friend in a restaurant because the specials are looking great'.
If they say you're being selfish or something, just say you are only behaving in the exact same way they are, so we either all decide to be selfish or all decide not to be, it's only fair.
Insectelectrical2066 wrote:
YTA for conceding and then wanting to renege because you rethought it and now say that it wasn't right. You should just stick with the new plans you OKed. But next time just stick with the plan that was agreed to. Or check to see if if everyone will make it or more people will show on the original date.
Why make new plans for one person with a conflict when it causes other people to miss. Now you could ask all involved who will miss because of the changed plans and who would be forced to miss if you went back to the new schedule.