'AITA for calling out someone else’s family member at a children’s birthday party?'
"AITA for calling out someone else’s family member at a children’s birthday party?"
I (31F) had my child’s 3rd birthday, the party ended up being hosted at my partner’s (27M) grandmother’s house. It was mostly his family (and a few of their close friends) in attendance. about 20 people give or take total plus their kids.
For context:
The men in his family were very spoiled growing up, and now as adults they often say whatever they want with no filter. Everyone just… tolerates it.
At one point me, my partner, his cousins (all mid 20’s to early 30’s), and their girlfriends were in another room playing black jack before everyone was ready to sing happy birthday.
One cousin (let’s call him J) was dealing while his wife made small talk about something her kid did that annoyed her. Out of left field he made a snide comment “Well maybe if you weren’t so incompetent and stupid that wouldn’t have happened.”
His wife went quiet and just looked down. Nobody said anything. The guys laughed it off. I sat there waiting for someone to step in, but nobody did. I’ve heard him do this many times at other occasions, but unfortunately I was either too far from the situation or occupied. But this time I had no excuse. So I finally said something.
I’m like, “You have a little girl. You’d lose your MIND if someone spoke to her like that. You’re her example of how she should expect to be treated, so treat your wife the same way. So either apologize right now, or get out and let your wife meet you back at home.”
Long story short He apologized. So I’m like “Awesome. It’s a shame I had to be the one to say it and not the literal men around me. Live with that shame, by the way. Anyway, back to the game.”
The women were smiling after that, but the vibe with the men did a 180. Later, that night when everyone left and we were winding down for bed my partner told me that a lot of his family (because word got around) was mad at me.
Apparently they thought I was “rude,” “insulting,” and that “a kid’s birthday party wasn’t the time or place for that. Everyone just wanted to have fun." I won’t get into how that conversation ended. But I am wondering was it my place? Was it the time? AITA for ruining everyone’s fun?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Not sure how long you're going to be able to last in this family. They sound terrible. Good luck.
HappyUnicornPoop (OP)
My partners family is only tolerable from a distance.. they’re not horrible. But they..lack a lot of accountability. And are extremely enabling.
A kid’s birthday party is also not where you talk down to your wife. Just sayin.
NTA there's always going to be some excuse about how it wasn't the right time. It's ALWAYS the right time to put an AH in his place.
“Wow a women is disrespected in front of you and you are all mad at me? Why cause you finally feel the shame you should have been feeling this whole time? Or cause you guys didn’t know anyways noticing?
I will not apologize for standing up for people being mistreated in front of me. We are all parents and I will not let the children around us see the crappy example the men and the women that back them up have set. I want our children to know kindness and respect and if those aren’t your values you better tell me now.”
NTA, I wish someone had done that for me over the years instead of just sitting there watching me crawl inside myself.
HappyUnicornPoop (OP)
As someone who had to deal with the same issue. Same. Another reason why I couldn’t just stay quiet.
NTA. The policy at my house is we do not reward bad behavior with silence. You done great.
The fact that your partner isn't 100% backing up what you said is worrisome. He may be a lot more like the men in his family than you realize.
You might mention to your partner that since he lacked the stones to shut that garbage down, you stepped up to do it.
HappyUnicornPoop (OP)
We’re in couples therapy for a very similar reason. He’s progressing. And it’ll take some time. But he has been taught by his family to stay in his place and to never speak out...his family is very controlling and emotionally manipulative if others speak out about their actions...
Of course, they think you're being rude and insulting. So what? AH generally don't think they're being AHs even when they're doing something as rude as being absolutely rude and insulting out of the blue. NTA. It's time to teach the women of the family to stand up for themselves.
If noone else was saying anything, you did the right thing.
NTA a kids birthday isn't the time or place to insult your wife either so they can get lost to the dump with that load of garbage (there is no appropriate time to insult your wife)
Nope, you handled that so well! You did cuss or say anything crude or insulting. You stood up for a women who was getting verbally battered by her husband. Good for you!!
NTA but please make sure your partner stands up for you against 'his family'. Yeah, I bet they were just the misogynistic guys, not the women. If your partner doesn't end this BS, you better end it with him because your child will get examples from him.
NTA - You're my internet hero today! Tell your partner that his family aren't really mad at YOU, they're mad you held up a mirror to their toxic behavior. If they acted better, you wouldn't have to do that.