'AITA for calling my sister irresponsible and no longer letting her visit over a plant?' + Update
"AITA for calling my sister irresponsible and no longer letting her visit over a plant?"
throwaway29105
Me (26f) and my husband (27m) have a daughter (6f) who we have recently been trying to teach more responsibility to. We decided we didn’t want to get a pet (even a goldfish) because it was unfair if it died, and after some thinking we brought up the idea to my daughter of growing her own plant. She was thrilled with the idea so the next day we took her to get some seeds.
She chose sweet pea seeds and took to caring for her plant better than we expected. It grew really quickly and was thriving quite well considering the tools she had and soon she was showing a strong interest in gardening. We started calling her sweet pea (important later) because of her project and everyday she’s tell us of the news with her plant.
Recently I got news that my grandmother had passed away and we had to fly out to her funeral. My sister (22f) never talked to her and didn’t want to attend the funeral so I decided to ask her to look after my daughters plant while we were out for the week.
She agreed and we brought the plant over, my daughter kissed it goodbye and asked her to please take good care of it. My sister said she would and I though everything was fine, until we got back.
When I went to get the plant, my sister said “oh yea I completely forgot about that” and laughed. She brought the pot out and the stem was somehow snapped and it was wilted.
My daughter ran crying to the car and I yelled at her for forgetting it and being irresponsible. She said I could just buy her another one but I said that wasn’t the point and left. She hasn’t apologized since.
I’ve since been no contact with her and refuse to let he visit. She’s done other stuff like this in the past because she likes to act as if she’s 18, and I’ve listened to my parents when they told me to let it go, but this time she really hurt my daughter. My parents are now saying it’s just a plant and I’m being ridiculous for holding a grudge.
My daughter has been extremely sad since the incident and has lost interest in gardening, even asked us to stop calling her sweet pea which breaks my heart. So I ask you AITA, I hate to see my daughter like this but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
macenutmeg
As an avid gardener, I think you should still grow plants with your daughter. The reality of gardening is that plants die constantly. It's basically what they do. But they are still a lot of fun!
Things that can help are:
growing multiple plants - if one dies you still have to water the others
Take this opportunity to explain to your daughter that even when things go wrong, she can pick up and try again. One plant death is not a reason to give up on something she loves! Acknowledge that she's upset about her first plant, but that there are many more great plants in her future.
Grow edible plants. Microgreens are basically tiny lettuce, they are ready to harvest in 2-4 weeks and they are incredibly nutritious. It's fun, it's easy and your daughter can learn to handle plant death. Get a porthos plant. They're basically unkillable. You can leave it at home alone during your 4-week vacation no problem.
I'll say NTA as a general judgement, but I think you can pull this back to being a more positive experience for your daughter. She will take cues from you on how to handle this emotionally.
Right now, you're really upset at your sister so your daughter is very upset about the plant. Taking this as an opportunity to get some more plants could really turn things around!
Ihavegoodideas_
NTA She agreed to take the plant in ok? She could have said no in which case you could have given it to a friend or someone else but she specifically agreed to take it in!
That's like me saying I'd clean someone's pool then not cleaning it when they get back they have all the rights to get mad at me because at the end of the day I AGREED to it i agree with you and considering how attached your daughter was to it I feel bad for her.
Also how hard is it to take care of a plant!!!???? Your 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER managed to take care of it and this 22 YEAR OLD WOMAN couldn't take care of for what I assume for a few days or a week or 2 I'd say you had all the rights to call her what you did!
SaeInsanity45
NTA. Your poor daughter, she must have been crushed. She clearly loved that plant and trusted your sister to take care of it. It wasn't "just a plant" to your daughter. She nurtured it and was probably very proud of herself. I'd be angry too if I were you.
Shieby1234
NTA- but it is obvious that this is about more than a plant. If I were OP, I would give my sister a change to bring over a new plant and apologize to my daughter. I also wouldn’t hold a life-long grudge over this. Sister doesn’t owe OP an apology, she owes OP’s daughter an apology.
"UPDATE AITA for calling my sister irresponsible and no longer letting her visit over a plant?"
throwaway29105
Some of you had been asking for an update and since my last post some good and bad things happened that I though I should write about. After I had some time to cool off from the events at my sister’s and read all the comments, I realized I was overreacting a little bit.
I understand now that it was my fault to let my sister handle something that was so important to my daughter and so after she had a bit of time to grieve her plant (I wasn’t going to rush her feelings) we had a conversation of plant life cycles.
I talked to her about how plants, even in the most well cared for circumstances can pass away, and I told her how proud I was that she took care of her plant as well as she did.
After a bit of pep talk, she seemed ready to have a go at it again and so we took her to the garden shop again where she picked out her own tools, soil, pots, gloves and lots of different plant seeds.
We also got her some vegetable and fruit seeds like some of you suggested so that she could eat what she’s grown, which she’s really excited for. As for my sister, after a week of posting, I went over to try and explain why the plant meant so much to my daughter and how it couldn’t be so easily replaced.
I’m sad to say that she once again lectured me on how it was just a plant and that they die all the time. I also got a text from my parents about how they thought I was mature enough to just let go of something so stupid.
I realize that they aren’t going to change their minds on the subject and that I should just move on. So I’ve decided to drop the topic with them, BUT I have decided never to let my sister handle anything of value, especially if it’s my daughters.
I have since apologized to my daughter about the sweet pea and we hugged it out. We also took the suggestion to use the old sweet pea as compost for a new one so that the old plant is still with us.
Overall it’s a happy ending, my daughter is feeling better than ever, has given names to all her plants (she has 12 now, and 2 succulents), takes care of them just as well as the old sweet pea, and has even gone back to requesting we call her sweet pea again which I almost cried tears of joy when she asked that.
Thank you to all the suggestions given and the people who offered to send seeds through for my daughter, as well to the people who helped me realize my mistakes. I’m also glad to say we have found a potential plant sitter in the future, my husbands coworker is very keen on plants and has a very green thumb just like my daughter.
Also, at this rate we’re considering setting up an indoor sanctuary for the plants when it gets too cold in winter to bring them outside. So glad things turned out well in the end, everyone’s happy, the plants have already started sprouting, and life has never been better.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
seh_23
Your sister sounds awful. I can maybe understand forgetting, that happens, we're all human, but to not be able to apologize and not accept why this is important is just terrible. You're parents are enablers and no wonder she behaves that way. Good luck to you and your kid's botany future.
Mahliki
All of this. How do these people not get that it might just be a plant to them, but it was a hell of a lot more to a little girl they're supposed to love?
Red_1977
When I was 11 my parents got a dog. She died when I was 27. I was very upset. I was telling a co worker when another co worker who I wasn't talking to pipes up and says 'IT'S JUST A DOG'
Obviously, NTA. Nothing is a 'just' to anyone else and one persons feelings over something do not invalidate the feelings of others. It's something called respect. As for the dog hater, he wasn't actually a co worker as such he was an engineering consultant.
Later on he got the design work for a new treatment plant and I got the pleasure of pointing out the dozens of absolutely stupid and idiotic things he tried to put in and how most of them wouldn't even begin to work as intended. I was not nice and was not soft about it.
Man this sister is awful. Unfortunately, parents are just as dumb for enabling her actions. Oof.