Woman calls stepdad a hypocrite when he expects to walk her down the aisle; 'you refused to adopt me.' AITA?
"AITA for calling my stepdad a hypocrite after asking my grandpa to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?"
Melodic-Walk8537
My stepdad, who I (24f) called dad most of my life, is the only dad I ever knew. He met my mom when I was only 1 and they got married right after my second birthday. So I literally have no memories of my life without him. And I would say most of my life I saw him as my dad and not my stepdad. He was the male figure who raised me and was there. But I was never equal to his bio kids.
He would call me his stepdaughter when asked how many kids he had. I heard him say it, even when I was little. I always called him dad or him and mom my parents. It hurt a lot when I was younger.
My younger sister was often called "my first baby girl" by him. My younger brother was called his first born. And while technically they are his first bio son and daughter. I was always expected to treat him like my real dad. But he was not always claiming me as his real daughter.
Things started to change for me when I was 16. One of my friends called him my stepdad and I didn't correct him. My stepdad overheard and he told me he was hurt that after all he'd done for me I'd let him be delegated to the lesser title of stepdad. I told him I was his stepdaughter most of the time so why shouldn't he be my stepdad.
My stepdad was still good to me. It was just. Some things really hurt when I was younger, and some things reall when I was older, like the incident above. I did talk to him and mom about it and I was gaslit into believing he didn't say stepdaughter or he'd say that sometimes it's important to distinguish.
But none of these were doctor appointment incidents. I always felt like it would have been easier if he had been consistent with "not my kid" for me. At least then I wouldn't have been so confused and hurt as a younger kid.
My grandparents noticed. I think what took their notice most was when I was 8 and I was worried I couldn't be his real daughter, I asked my stepdad to adopt me and he changed the subject.
My stepdad's parents and two siblings were also there and they looked shocked... that I'd asked. I was never called a granddaughter by his parents or a niece by his siblings. But they were grandma and grandpa and aunty and uncle to me.
Grandpa really stepped up for the emotional support and when Covid restrictions happened my fiancé and I moved in with him temporarily since he was alone and he knew we wanted to be in a home and not a cramped apartment.
Which is why, when I got engaged, I asked grandpa to walk me down the aisle. My stepdad was pissed/offended again and he told me as much. I brought up how he talked about watching his two little girls get married (my two sisters) and never his three.
So why would he be taking on such a big task for his not-little girl. He told me I was being so nitpicky and I told him he was a hypocrite to treat me as not a daughter but expect to be treated as a dad. He told me I didn't know the meaning of the word and I should be more appreciative of all the things he gave me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Bitter_Animator2514
Your mothers is awful for allowing this treatment of you then continuing to breed with him yikes hope your siblings don’t have their behaviour or attitude Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and hope you and your grandpa have a wonderful walk down the aisle. NTA.
The OP responded here:
Melodic-Walk8537
Yep. I really don't understand her being okay with it. At least make it consistent. And don't have the expectation that I will always love and respect him as real dad when he's made it clear I'm not really his.
Tinkerpro
Of course he did. Just keep reminding yourself that bullies are bullies and they will never change. You are getting married, starting a new family with your husband. Let that be enough. Hopefully your relationship with your mom and sibling is good and will remain that way.
As for his little speeches, ignore them or tell him to stop being so emotional. You can also point out that he will have the opportunity of walking his first babygirl down the aisle, so your event obviously won’t be a meaningful and special to him.
The OP again responded:
Melodic-Walk8537
My relationship with mom isn't that good because she has stood by and allowed all this to happen without ever trying to stand up for me or protect me.
Sea-Tea-4130
NTA-You made the right choice to ask your gramps to walk you. Your stepdad and your mom sound ridiculous for not understanding how his comments and behaviour growing up affected you.
delinaX
Oh yes, narcissistic parents thinking bare minimum is generosity. "We gave you basic stuff a kid needs you should be grateful" without completing the sentence and saying "but we deprived you of emotional support & gaslit you into thinking you were ungrateful & didn't deserve us doing our job as parents".
You're NTA & your mother & step-father are toxic af and I wouldn't put ruining your wedding past them. Knowing narcissistic people, they'll make the wedding about themselves & when/if people ask your stepfather why he didn't walk you down the aisle.
He'll make it sound like he gave you everything & you were ungrateful. Do not risk this by inviting them to your wedding imo. I might be off base & you know them best but I know narcissists and playing victims is their thing.