'AITA for calling my wife a jerk for telling our son's crush he likes her in front of his friends?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for calling my wife a jerk for telling our son's crush that our son likes her in front of his friends?"

I (37m) have 3 kids (14m) (11f) (8f) with my wife (37f). Our son, who we'll call Sonny, is in grade 9. My wife has asking him if he has a girl on this grade 10 girl, "Tina" (15f), who he's been hanging out with. Sonny said it's not her who he likes, it's a different girl. A 9th grader who we'll call Chris (14f). My wife asked Sonny if Chris knows. He said no and that's it a secret.

My wife asked why. He said his friends will make fun of him. My wife asked why. He said it's because Chris the heaviest girl in their grade, she has terrible skin, and she's a tomboy. One Saturday, Sonny had friends over. It was Sonny plus 5 other boys, with Chris, Tina, and another girl. At one point, my wife just walks into the living and she tells Chris that Sonny has a huge crush on her.

It was so uncomfortable after that. Chris got up, and just walked out of the house. The kids barely said everything and they left earlier than expected. Sonny didn't say anything to me nor his mom, but he made sure to slam every door he used. Later that night, in bed, I called my wife a jerk. She said she was trying to prevent our son from becoming a bully.

I told her there was a better way, then she asked what if one of our daughters were in Chris's position. Then she asked, if we went to same high school, would I hide my feelings for her. She ended sleeping in the guest bedroom. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

talithar1 wrote:

I don’t get how Sonny is potentially being a bully?? He likes a girl that is heavy, terrible skin, and a tomboy. He doesn’t want his friends to know because he will be bullied, and likely Chris, too. I think he’s protecting her. Did I miss something?

OP responded:

My wife probably got reminded of how kids treated her back in the day. She was a "Chris" herself.

talithar1 wrote:

Was anyone treating Chris unkindly?

OP responded:

To my knowledge, I'm not exactly sure. My son didn't say that anyone was making fun of Chris. Chris was friends with some of the "popular kids" of grade 9 and grade 10.

talithar1 wrote:

I think your wife just put a target on Chris’s back. And your son’s as well. Am so sorry. Wife really needs to apologize and stop creating a problem where none exists.

OP responded:

I don't know what's going on with my son's social circle because he's giving us the silent treatment. I know it's just him and Tina at Tina's house right now. My son didn't even tell us he was going, he left and then asked Tina's mom to tell us that he's there. So the friends are not together.

Poppypie77 wrote:

There is NO innocent or rational explanation. Also, when you asked her why she did it, her response was literally 'to stop him becoming a bully'. It wasn't 'oh I thought if she knew he liked her it might break the ice and help them get together'. There was ZERO good intentions there. She made that clear with her answer of why she did it.

Even if she's been bullied as a kid for weight and skin issues, why would she then bully a kid who was like her? Sadly sometimes kids who were bullied/ ab#$ed become the ab#$er. They try and get their sense of power and control back by hurting those weaker than them.

They want the victims to feel what they felt. Or they become the opposite and are kind and understanding and wouldn't put anyone through what they went through. I know this seems like a big leap for what may just be one incident, but its a BIG incident. Doing that in front of 9 of his friends was like ultimate savage and cruel. She wanted to humiliate your son in a huge way. And that girl.

No loving mother would do that in front of 9 of their son's friends, including the girl he liked. You need to talk to your son about whether she's treated him badly in any other ways physically or emotionally or mentally etc when you're not home. Coz that isn't the actions of a loving mother.

If she didn't intend to cause upset, she'd have gone after the girl when she went to leave and apologise if she upset or embarrassed her, said it wasn't her intention, she just wanted her to know he liked her and she thought it might help get the conversation started etc.

She'd have made sure the girl wasn't upset and appologised etc. And I bet she's not apologised to your son either. Because she's not sorry. She doesn't see anything wrong in what she did. And that is the serious issue here.

There's light teasing with your kid about a crush or gf, but to humiliate him like that, and the girl Is disgusting. You need to do some talking with your son about their relationship, and be his support and have his back on this one. Your wife's a major AH. She should be on the couch for a while at a minimum.

OP responded:

I'm starting to get more cynical of my wife's motives. I made her aware of this post an hour ago and crickets from her. I'm trying my best to not think that my wife wanted to just humiliate our son just for the sake of it.

Poppypie77 wrote:

You need to get more used to it though. Because that's what it is! Has she even tried to apologise to him? Has she tried to understand why what she did was wrong? Has she shown an ounce of regret or remorse? I'm guessing all the answers are NO.

Because she doesn't care that she's upset, hurt, and humiliated her son. She doesn't care that she's hurt and humiliated and bullied a 14 year old girl to the point she walk straight out the house, and likely cried for ages.

She doesn't care that her son likely hates her right now, has no trust in her, feels like she's betrayed him and his confidence, and feels like his mum doesn't care that he's hurting and upset and humiliated. Because IF she felt bad, remorseful, regret, she'd be trying to correct it. But she's not is she?? She hasn't done anything has she?

OP responded:

The incident happened last Saturday. No apology. Today, I showed her this post. There were some specific comments I let her read. No apology. If I get really really really cynical, maybe my wife wanted to punish our son for being one of the "popular" kids and for keeping it a secret that he likes the so-called "awkward" girl. I don't want to think about my wife that way.

Ocean_Spice wrote:

I don’t have much to say other than your wife seems like a truly repulsive person, and it’s disappointing that you are unwilling or unable to see how horrible this was. She just hurt a lot of people, notably your son and Chris, but also everyone else who had to be around for that little stunt of hers.

OP responded:

Well, at this point, I'm questioning if I really know who my wife is. I guess that's all I need to say about my wife.

Ocean_Spice wrote:

It’s pretty clear that you don’t.

OP responded:

It's extra disappointing given that she knows what's like to be bullied.

Ocean_Spice wrote:

Says a lot about her character.

OP responded:

Some of what I said in my replies to you are some of the things I wanted to say in the DM because my wife could be reading my comments.

Ocean_Spice wrote:

Why are you still trying to not offend her?

OP responded:

She's still the mother of my children, and I need her to be a co-parent. I hope she loves our children, and I hope she wants them to be happy. I hope she realizes she hurt our son and Chris. I hope she knows that our children love her, and I love her. What happened to her in the past was terrible, but she shouldn't let it ruin the good things she has now.

A few hours later, OP shared an update.

A sad update. The information is sad, and the fact that I had to hear about this from Tina's mom is sad. To nobody's surprised, Chris was indeed humiliated. Chris, at first, thought it was a cruel prank. Then, when Sonny confirmed it, she questioned why his mom would announce it like that in front of all their friends.

Sonny took the honest route, and he told Chris why he didn't want to tell her. Chris' feelings are hurt, and she said she can't like someone who was so embarrassed for people to know he likes her. So our son is even more upset with us. What my wife did, showed my son in a bad light to most of his friends.

Some of them thought it was a prank. Some of them think something is wrong with my wife mentally. The people who my son is talking to the most about this situation are Tina and Tina's mom.

The next day, OP shared another update.

I (37m) have some good news and some bad news. My wife (37f) have read the original post, the edit, and all my comments. I also showed my wife certain comments. She read a ton of comments on her own.

I don't know if she'll read this update post because she says she hates this forum and will never go back on here for as long as she lives. However, she did agree to individual therapy and couples therapy.

Back in middle school and high school, my wife was bullied a lot for her weight and acne. She still struggles with her weight and acne. I think she looks beautiful. What I've seen from her personality recently is another story. Last night, my wife said that our son "Sonny" (14m) had body shamed his crush "Chris" (14f) when he gave the reasons why his friends may make fun of him for liking Chris.

To my wife, Sonny merely acknowledging that Chris is "heavy" and has acne is body shaming. Even though he also calls her pretty. My wife said she told Chris that Sonny likes her in front of everyone, because my wife was afraid that if Sonny keeps his feelings for Chris a secret, that he'll end up with his friend "Tina" (15f).

I've been learning a lot about what is going on in our son's social circle, not from my son, but from Tina's mom. The things my son gave Tina's mom permission to tell me. Tina has been working hard to fix her friend group. Tina has convinced Chris to forgive my son and to go on a date with him. Also, when the friend group wants a house to hang out, they'll do it a Tina's house.

None of the kids want to come near my wife. One of the boys who was there that day, told his parents and he's not even allowed to go to our house. Tina's mom said her house is always welcome to my son if he needs a safe place to stay. I made sure to quickly tell my wife that Sonny and Chris will go on a date later in the week.

I wasn't sure what would be my wife's reaction, and I wanted to get it over with before our son came home. My wife basically said she told me so. She said reddit and I was wrong. My wife is claiming victory for getting Sonny and Chris together. My wife claims that our son will thank her later. My wife is living in her own little world. This evening, I finally had a significant conversation with my son Sonny.

During the conversation, he wasn't referring to his mom as "mom" nor "my mom" but "your wife." He said when he wants to talk to an adult about stupid teenager stuff, he'll talk to Tina's mom. Sonny said he doesn't want to tell me something then give me the burden of keeping it a secret from my wife. Our son is continuing his radio silence with his mom.

When I think of my wife's wellbeing, I have to look at it in the context of my co-parent instead of my life partner. I need to watch her and make sure I'll protect our kids from her if needed. She was a stable mom but somehow she morphed into a bratty teenager just she heard some teenage drama. I hope my wife gets stable again. But my kids are and will always be number one.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Eternal_expert_2069 wrote:

Omg...she really needs therapy. I'm sorry for her tough teen years but she is justifying and celebrating this outcome. It's weird, manipulative and creepy. Did I miss where she apologized?? And if she hates the internet it's because it's hard to took in the mirror.

conscious-arm-7889 wrote:

Sonny and Chris are going on a date despite your wife's actions, not because of your wife. And your wife has lost Sonny, he'll never go to her with something personal again, as long as he lives.

Unfortunately it also looks like you've been hit in the crossfire, and he won't tell you much going forward. Your wife has permanently damaged/ruined her relationship with Sonny. I hope she's proud of herself.

Blue-Being22 wrote:

How is it possible that this 14-year old boy is more mature and emotionally intelligent than his 37-year old mother?

I hope everything goes well for you and your kids.

EfficientSociety73 wrote:

Thanks for the update. I did leave a comment on your original post. Don’t know if it was one your wife read but regardless, she’s a grown up mean girl. She’s taking her insecurities out on a teen girl who is going through what she did. And she sees NO problem with it at all. That is scary.

It makes me think there is more to this than just not wanting your son to fat shame a girl. And he most certainly wasn’t doing that. He was simply giving the reasons he hadn’t told his friends about his crush. Your son sounds very intelligent. And I’m glad he’s getting to take Chris on a date.

Hopefully his friends can be more supportive than he expected. And hopefully therapy helps your wife. It’s sad that you have to look at your relationship through the lens of protecting your kids from their mom. It’s a hard spot but I’m glad you’re stepping up. And be sure to thank Tina’s mom. She deserves it!