'AITA for calling my wife out on giving 'joint' birthday present without me there?'
"AITA for calling my wife out on giving 'joint' birthday present without me there?"
Son's birthday today. He's 5 years old. I wasnt there this morning as stay away from home some nights due to work. Even if had slept at home would have left for work before the kids woke.
We have a party planned on Saturday, and will be there at dinner time tonight. I realised that my wife gave my son a present this morning. She said it was from 'us". Apparently she does this every year. I was hurt, and told her so. I thought it was selfish that she couldn't wait to share his excitement.
Her excuse is that it is unfair on him to make him wait. find that ridiculous, and believe he absolutely could wait. I said the only reason to give it early is the selfishness of wanting to experience his joy alone without sharing it. AITA?
I want to add some context in my defence although I think it wont change the general outcome. Today is his birthday, although we have other special plans. Next week I'm taking 3 days off work, two of which are for a family trip and the third is a special day for my son.
I couldn't get today off work though, and Saturday is his proper party, which I obviously will be there. I have a 1.5 hour commute each way (hence why I don't normally see him in the morning before he gets up for school), but I normally read the bedtime story when I'm home and I video call EVERY evening that I'm not home. I'm not an absentee father, and I'm not just a sperm donor.
My wife has bought most of the presents but not all of them. We tend to put things in gift bags not wrap them. Last year it was me that bought the main present, this year there wasn't a main present, it was mostly a few smaller ones because the family trips mentioned in (1) are really his main present.
I don't expect her to do all the gift shopping and give all the ideas, I do a share of it. She does have more free time than me, and does more of the childcare than me. That's a problem of our (shared) lifechoices and not something that we can easily change. My long commute is primarily due to decisions on her part.
Yes, she said she does this every year, but first and second birthday are not quite the same level of concious response, and 3rd and 4th I am not sure what she gave him in the morning.
As I mentioned, last year I got the 'main' present, and that was given in the evening I am definitely jealous if she is giving him presents. I definitely want to be part of the enjoyment of his birthday.
I was hurt and didn't understand why he had to receive the present when I wasn't there. Yep he's 5 years old, and every family is different. I don't remember receiving presents until the whole family was there in the evening.
I thought that was normal, and assumed my wife had the same thoughts. We hadn't discussed it, and I was upset for missing out. I think if I knew, then I wouldn't have reacted that way, but it was a shock and I was upset.
I still am jealous and have some feelings to work through. I don't like my work situation and commute, but I really don't see a way to resolve it (without significant financial risk that I'm not willing to take in this climate) so will have to suck up my disappointment.
I called my wife selfish for getting the joy, alone without discussing it first, or without giving me the chance to join on video call. I guess I need to take the YTA verdict.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
YTA - Could he wait? Absolutely. Should he have to wait because of one adults childish demands? Absolutely not. He's a kid FFS, let him have some fun instead of this nonsense of you getting your nose all out of joint about it.
Exactly - brain development by age 5 only knows "yippie my day!" and since dad is typically gone a lot, mom makes sure kiddo knows it is from dad too who wishes he could be there (obvs dad thinks it is more important to wait for his presence?).
My dad worked a ton - nights and weekends away etc, sometimes days. He recorded himself reading books to me so he could "be there" for me when I fell asleep, age then 4-5.
Maybe figure out how to call in for 3-5 mins using one of the multiple ways now possible or pre-record a message to play at the moment. Sounds like dad is not very good at his real job - being a dad.
Totally agree. OP: YTA for making your son's Birthday about your feelings instead of your sons. Let your 5yo start his bday from the moment he wakes up. You should allow him to open 1 smaller present when he wakes up and you can join via virtual video chat.
If you can't video chat, then have your wife record your son opening it and have your wife ask him what he wants to say to daddy about his present. Then you can open his main bigger present and other presents when you get home as long as you get home at a reasonable time. If you can't be home, you shouldn't expect him to wait until the wknd.
You just now realized that she gave him a gift this morning and does it every year. That has to mean one of two scenarios. Either: 1. You never noticed before this year that he doesn’t get any presents in front of you and therefore thought he didn’t get presents? 2. She only gives one present in the morning and the rest are with you.
I’m going to assume the second because surely you would have noticed if he never got presents at your celebrations before this year. Giving one present to set the tone in the morning is not selfish or stealing joy. It’s a fun tradition.
My mom used to give me a gift before school and it made the day feel special right away. My dad was also already at work and never set out to do anything himself for me either. But he didn’t get upset that one gift was given without him.
You are free to start your own thing between him on his birthday too — I’m sure your wife would actually love that effort and your son would absolutely come to remember. YTA.
YTA. My dude. You are throwing around accusations of "selfishness" despite being the adult here whining about a child's birthday not satisfying your own needs.