'AITA if I cancel my baby shower after my dad insisted on inviting my ex-friend?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting to cancel my baby shower after my dad insists on inviting a childhood friend I want nothing to do with?"

Hi everyone sorry about how long this is, and if at times it’s confusing I have baby brain. I (31 F, pregnant with 5th and final baby) live about 45 minutes away from the rest of my family. Growing up we were all very close but due to the distance, work and family commitments we don’t get to see each other as often as would like. Some of my cousins/aunties I haven’t seen in years.

I’ve recently found out baby 5 is a girl and I wanted to celebrate her with my family. I asked my mum if she could organise a baby shower with my aunties, cousins and of course my partners family.

She agreed, to keep costs down I decided to keep it family only and not any of my friends. My parents ring me with the guest list it’s got my cousins on it and aunties, some of my mums friend and they’ve also decided to invite a girl we will call Belle that i ended a friendship with over 10 years ago.

To provide some context me and this girl were childhood friends, however the friendship was always one-sided, I was always making the effort, when her other friends were around I was ditched.

This behavior continued until we were in our teens, by the time I was 14/15 I had enough, it was always me going to her, me thinking of stuff to do, me making all the conversation and as soon as her other friends were around I was ditched. Having enough I decided to stop making the effort. I made other friends and was generally much happier.

Now the problem, Belle’s parents and my parents are friends and Belles mum and my dad always tries to make me feel bad for leaving that friendship. When I was 18 I was in town shopping with my best friend, I bumped into belles mum, i asked how she was and how Belle was she replied you’d know if you ever called down to our house.

Then proceeded to try and make me feel bad for not calling down anymore. A few times the guilt tripped worked I’d call down and it would be awkward we no longer had anything in common, I’d be the one asking about her life she wouldn’t ask anything about mine, any answers would be one worded and I’d leave mentally drained.

Now in my early 30s, I live with my fiance and our four sons. Belle has texted on and off throughout the years and we’ve met up everytime I feel mentally drained as I am still the one carrying the conversation, she shows no interest in my life, gives one worded answers to the questions I ask about hers and since she doesn’t like kids I feel like I can’t talk about them to her.

After the last meet up last year I decided not to put myself in that position anymore I suffer from social anxiety so having to constantly think of topics of conversation that she shuts down straight away is very draining.

A few months ago my partner and I called up to visit my parents, we told them when we got there we couldn’t stay long as we were going out tonight, my mother in law was minding the kids so we’d have to drop them off a further 20 min trip, get ready and then head out. Belles mum just so happened to be at my mums that day, after about 90 mins I said we will have to shoot on now if we’re to head out tonight.

Belles mum instantly stands up and is like oh you can’t go I’ve texted Belle to tell her you’re here she’s coming up to see you, I’m like sorry we have a date. I’m made to feel bad, 20 mins later Belle still hasn’t arrived so I’m like look if we leave much later we won’t be able to go out.

We pack the car up, my fiance is putting the toddlers into it when belles mum goes and gets her (she lives a few doors down) Belle comes up again it’s me having to make all the conversation at this point I feel like a deer trapped in headlights all I can think is wtf I’ve said we were going multiple times. By the time we get down the road it’s way too late to go out. This is one of many instances throughout the years.

I told my parents after this I want nothing to do with Belle I get that we were once friends but we’ve absolutely nothing in common, it’s always me that has to make the effort to keep the conversation going and it leaves me drained.

My mum agreed to the boundaries so you can imagine my surprise when I object to her being on the guest list and my dad hits me with the “we’re throwing it for you we can invite who we want” card.

I no longer want a baby shower, as I know I will be expected to spend all my time there with Belle (that’s always the way it was when growing up and we’d have parties). I just wanted to celebrate my daughter with people who generally care about her and my life, and instead feel it’s being objected so aita if I cancel it?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

laughter_corgis said:

Cancel the shower. Ask a friend to host one for you. NTA. Your folks need to learn to respect your decisions as you're not a kid anymore

Sweaty-Delivery-5300 said:

NTA. But not leaving that time was on you. You have to put your foot down harder and just...leave next time. Throw your own baby shower at your house or a park. Your parents are being manipulative.

OP responded:

Yeah I definitely do, and my fiancé did say we should have just left, I’m a recovering people pleaser

FoxEarendil said:

Nta. It’s your life, no one can make you do anything. Including your family. Tell your dad straight up, “if she’s there, I will leave.” And keep to it.

y0gurtPr3tz3l said:

Tell your parents, if she is invited I will not be there. If she shows up I will get up and leave" then follow through. Respecting your boundaries is necessary. You are a parent now. Your free time is sparse. You need to prioritize who you spend that free time with.

Capital-Peace-4225 said:

NTA! It is a real shame that Belle is being used to ruin a very special celebration between your family.

There hasn't been a major fight between you and Belle so this feels less like that issue and more like a dad issue. Belle would be in the background probably anyway, it's not like you can't be busy spending time with whom you choose. You can greet her and move on and probably not even notice her and her mom the rest of the time.

Belle may even be just as roped into this friendship as you are. Her mom probably waxes sentimental to your mom and dad wishing Belle had children and their plan is for you to rub off on her. Which is probably why Belle is so flat and short with you. She may want out just as much as you

All this being said, you are perfectly within your right to veto your parents shower and have a shower you are in control of. Maybe the aunts and other women can go in together and do what you want. They should all band together and refuse your fathers antics and just leave him out and your mom too if she doesn't get on board with the new plans. 🩷Congratulations on your daughter!🎠

OP responded:

I would believe Belle is roped into it, however she will text me out of the blue on messenger the same messages every-time hey how are you? Il reply back saying I’m good thanks you? And then she replies looking to meet up, which I use to always say yes to do now I gave an excuse.

I am a sometimes a slow replier all my friends and family know this about me, and understand it’s not on purpose. I open messages one of my kids will need me and il think I’ve replied and then realise later I haven’t. If I don’t text Belle back immediately she tells my mum on me it generally confuses me because when we use to meet up she would then make zero effort.

She later shared this update on the situation:

I told my parents I wanted to cancel the shower, I said when my daughter is born I will celebrate her at her christening and I will invite all the family and both me and my partners friends. I do feel upset about it, but at least this way we will be able to celebrate our daughter with people that care about her and are interested in her life and we don’t have to get it threw in our faces if we don’t invite some people.

For the people asking about my dad, he’s really good friends with her dad, when my dad got an operation and took some complications her parents helped take him to his appointments and I think he feels like he owes them one.

I’m not sure what’s going on with Belle, she will message me out of the blue, it’s been the same conversation for years, she is the one that asks to meet up but when we do it’s me making all the conversation. And effort if I don’t text back right away (all my family and friends know i can take a few hours to reply) she will tell my mum on me as if we’re kids. I generally wish her well in life.

Also yes I know I should have left anyway on the date night I’m a people pleaser and really hate disappointing or upsetting people it’s something I’m working on