Man threatens to cancel wedding if fiancée invites former high school bully he slept with. AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancee I will cancel the wedding and break up with her if she invites her friend to the wedding?"
My fiancee (25F) and I (25M) have been together for 4 years, and we’re going to get married this November. My fiancee is also close friends with Sarah (25F). Back in high school, Sarah and I were really close friends. I did ask her out, but during our “first time”, I kind of got stage fright, and Sarah said she did not want to proceed with it anymore.
I realized over the next few weeks that Sarah had told our entire friend group about how small I was (for context, I’m a grower with an average size but it’s really small when it’s soft).
Looking back it was typical high school BS everyone goes through, but at that moment, I really felt embarrassed and humiliated. And also because Sarah and I were really close friends from childhood and she just ghosted me after that incident.
When I found out my fiancee was close friends with Sarah, I told her about that incident. My fiancee did make Sarah apologize to me, but I told her it’s all in the past. However, when my fiancee asked me if we could invite Sarah to our wedding, I told her I wouldn’t be ok with inviting her to the wedding.
My fiancee did initially accept, but over the past week, she has been asking me about it again. She says Sarah is really repentant of what she did in high school, and that Sarah accepts she was a horrible mean girl bully. My fiancee told me Sarah is a completely different person from high school, and she really wants to attend the wedding.
But I just don’t want Sarah at the wedding. It’s my wedding too. Sarah has texted me a lot over the past few months, and we’ve even spoken on the phone a few times, but last night, I had enough and blocked her.
I was also upfront with my fiancee last night, and told her if she doesn’t respect my wishes and invites Sarah to the wedding, I will not only cancel the wedding, but I will also break up with her.
My fiancee did look really shocked when I said it, but she finally accepted that it was my wedding too, and decided she wasn’t going to invite Sarah to our wedding. My fiancee apologized for making me this uncomfortable, and said I would always be her priority. I thanked my fiancee and we did have a nice and peaceful night after. Was I the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. You can forgive someone for their shitty behaviour in the past but that doesn’t mean you have to have them as part of your life. Your comfort on what is also your wedding day should be your fiancés priority not an attendee. Threatening to end the whole relationship was maybe a touch too far but saying no to her attending was totally justified.
I don’t think it was “too far” because, before then, fiancée kept pushing the matter. It took a threat for her to understand that “no” did not mean “try asking again”.
A girl you were close friends with ghosted you and proceeded to tell everyone your wee wee was small. Eff no I wouldn’t want her at my wedding either.
So no, you're not the AH at all. You did the right thing by communicating your non-negotiables clearly and firmly to your fiancée. If anything, it speaks to her maturity and love for you that she not only understood but apologized for even considering overstepping your boundaries.
NTA why should you invite someone you don't like to your wedding?
If this is enough to stop the wedding, don't get married.
NTA. You can forgive and not forget.
You don’t need her there reminding you of your trauma.
NTA. You can accept someone's apology without opening your arms to any and all contact that the person your forgave wants. Forgiveness doesn't mean you give up the right to lay whatever boundaries feel safe for you.
Forgiveness doesn't entitle the person you forgave to any more access to you than you authentically want them to have. What Sarah wants does not come before what you want on your wedding day.
NTA but one thing I’ll say. If you have to threaten to end things to get your partner to put you first over a friend then hate to tell you but this won’t have the wheels to go the distance.
NTA. if a guy shamed your fiancée in high school and turned around and told everyone about it i doubt she’d be okay with you being friends with him, let alone inviting him to your wedding AFTER it had been vetoed once.
NTA. She doesn’t get to dictate your feelings about something humiliating that happened to you. She pushed too far and had to be told that no means no.
Like, wym? NTA at all. What Sarah did was super hurtful, and it’s understandable that u dont wanna see her at ur wedding. Its supposed to be a happy day, not a reminder of a time u felt humiliated. The fact that ur fiancee kept pushing it is kinda concerning tho, she shud be respecting ur feelings on this. Its good she finally understands, but she shudda gotten it sooner.
I’m totally convinced that the commenters here telling op “Ok clearly you aren’t ready for marriage if you’re willing to throw it all out for this” or “clearly you aren’t over your trauma and need therapy” are really young and immature kids who have no interest in actually caring about or understanding men.
This is literally what y’all call Gaslighting. Because this isn’t even about the trauma itself, it’s about his boundaries for HIS wedding (It’s his wedding too!) where he can have the best day for both her AND him!