'AITA for threatening to cancel my wedding because I'm jealous of my fiancé's sister?' NEW UPDATE
"AITA for threatening to cancel my wedding because I'm jealous of my fiancé's sister?"
Posting the story as I want unbiased opinions. The names are changed to hide their identity.
I (30f) am getting married to Roy (31m). We met in college and hit it off right away. He's handsome, charming, smart and supportive. We fell in love and planned our entire future together. We planned where to live, how many kids to have, vacations, college fund for children, retirement, etc. I love him so much! He's my soulmate and my best friend.
He would tell me he's proud of me whenever I achieved something. He's super supportive of my dreams and ambitions. He'd motivate me to take up projects which I was hesitant to. He'd reassure me that I'm capable and talented enough. He'd complement me every time I got dressed to go out and tell me how lucky he was to have me as his GF.
Roy's father passed away when he was just 8 years old and his elder sister Kim (33f) was 10. His mother, Yami (55f) never remarried. She's a very kind and sweet lady. I never got to know Kim as she lived in a different city for work and rarely visit us.
We got engaged 8 months ago in an engagement ceremony (In my country, the to be bride and groom get engaged in a ceremony among family and close friends). Kim moved back to our city and found a job here.
This is when things started to get complicated. It's customary here for the girl's parents to pay for the wedding. My dad hired a wedding planner and told me to plan the wedding with them to my and Roy's liking.
When we started the planning process, my future MIL stayed out of it but Kim would tag along with us wherever we went. To the florist, to the wedding planner's office, to the caterers, everywhere!
I wanted it to be just me and Roy. I told him that I didn't like future SIL third wheeling something just the both of us must've been doing together. He told me that Kim just wanted to be involved in her brother's wedding and I shouldn't be more welcoming of her.
I would've actually been okay with it if she'd keep her mouth shut and not give us her "valuable input". When I choose flowers, it would be "too pastel, choose a different colour palette". When I would suggest the chair arrangement to the planner, she'd be like "that won't give a proper view to the guests on the far left".
I wanted to have coconut pudding at my wedding. It was my absolute favourite dessert growing up and I wanted to share it with my guests on my wedding day but guess what "No. Not coconut. I'm allergic."
The thing that pisses me off the most is that Roy always takes her side when it's my choice versus her choice. He wouldn't fight or anything. He'd be like "It doesn't matter which flower it's going to be as long as it's you who's my bride. Let it go babe, it's not a huge deal. Only thing that's important is that we're marrying each other and starting a new life together"
When the coconut pudding thing happened, he asked me not to be selfish as it's not just about me and it's about both of us and our families.He said, Kim is family and I cannot exclude her from having the food at our wedding. I was really frustrated at this point. It's as if we're planning Kim's wedding and not mine.
The final straw was when we were shopping wedding dresses (Wedding wear would be an appropriate word as it is our traditional clothing), my mom picked out this beautiful green dress for me and I loved it so much! But Kim had to poke her nose here as well. She told me that green isn't my colour and I should try something else.
Roy agreed with her. Then I tried different dresses and finally decided on a rose gold dress that I liked too (but not as much as the green one). We then started to shop for the families of the bride and the groom. When it was Kim's turn, I KID YOU NOT, this b*$#h picks out the same green dress and decides she's gonna buy it! I lost it! I didn't wanna make a scene there so I walked out.
I and Roy had a huge fight about this at home. He told me that green wasn't going well with my skin tone and that it suits Kim better, that I should stop acting so immature, that Kim picked that dress after I'd already picked out mine.
I couldn't believe my ears. For the first time since we started planning our wedding, I noticed how he's always taken Kim's side and never mine. I couldn't believe that the man I was looking at was the same man I fell in love with.
Roy and Kim shared a strong bond due to losing their father so young. They were each other's best friends and support system growing up. But that doesn't justify him taking her side when it's our wedding and our vision. Back in college when we were dating, he'd brag about his sister to anyone he could, even if that person was complementing me.
Like, if someone complemented the taste of the coffee I made, he'd be like "If you think this is delicious, then you must try the coffee my sister makes" etc. It was annoying but wasn't a big deal and I let it go as I knew he was really close to her. But this time I cannot let go. It's OUR wedding! Not Kim's wedding.
I yelled at him that if this wedding is happening, then it's happening like we both envisioned it or it's not happening at all. Roy got mad at me and yelled that I was just jealous of his sister as I can never be as good as her. That I am a bitter person for holding a grudge against Kim even though she's been nothing but kind to me. That she was just trying to help etc.
I don't hold any grudge against her. I just want to have my dream wedding. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
He literally told you what he believes. Do you want to wait several years just to find out he wasn’t lying? Leave. He either flat out does not respect you, or has never had a consequence for holding her relationship too close to him. It is not normal. It is enmeshment. And she is creepy for keeping it going. He is not her daddy. Edit: NTA
Exactly all of this. OP run, run!!!!! Like seriously run the he$l away. Let him and his sister be happy together.
Yup, his sister will be naming the kids, decide what they wear, which school they'll attend, join every parent meeting etc etc...
Please listen to this. If you don't run you'll be the incubator for your SIL and brother's kid.
And don't forget she'll be in the birthing suite dictating pain medication, judging how she pushes etc.
Whimsical-Empress OP responded:
I can't and don't want to ever imagine something like that happening to me. I might be a bit of a people pleaser but I'm no doormat. This comment really opened up my eyes. Thank you.
NTA. As soon as he said “You can never be as good as my sister” I would have noped out of there and say “Go marry your f^%$#g sister”. He does not care about you, you will always be in his sister’s shadow. Get out of this!
Do not marry this man unless you agree that his sister will be the most important woman in his marriage.
Whatever promises he makes to get you to the altar, he will break unless there is intensive individual and family therapy.
So, if you go through with this marriage, you are agreeing - with your eyes wide open - to be miserable for life.
If you’re willing to do that, you’re not mentally competent enough to be getting married anyway.
OP added this edit to the original post:
I am currently at my friend's home. I cried myself to sleep after posting this. Woke up a few minutes ago and she told me that there are around 1000 people who agree with her. I forgot to tell you all that English is not my first language, so I apologise for any grammatical mistakes.
I didn't want to read the comments because I was scared of the obvious. Honestly I just thought everyone would be telling me to cancel the wedding because he isn't right for me (which of course you all did and thank you for that 🙏🏽).
But the things you've all pointed out, like the emotional incest and how she could control our future (even my future kids) NEVER crossed my mind! Not once! I don't know why I couldn't see those things. I was so dumb! After reading the comments, I almost threw up looking back at our relationship
I might've ignored them because he would claim that their bond is stronger than other siblings because they lost their father and had to face hardships together. I'm so heartbroken to the point that I blackout if I stand straight.
This pain is too much for me to take. His mom called me on my phone but I didn't answer. It's so overwhelming, it's difficult to breathe and I feel claustrophobic. My friend told me I might be experiencing anxiety. We're gonna go see a doctor first. I don't feel like I'm in a condition to talk to anyone.
4 days later OP came back with this big update:
I'm at my home with my parents, my sister, and my best friends, Having Coconut Pudding 😌 We spoke for a while to put our stories together so that I get the sequence of events right.
I forgot to mention my sister Maya (34f). She works abroad and came home a week ago to help me with (the then) upcoming wedding and also to spend time with me. The day of wedding wear shopping, Maya stayed home as she was jet-lagged.
My Mom, Two of my aunties, four cousins, three uncles, Roy, Kim, Yami (Ex Future MIL), Two of Roy's Aunties, two uncles were also present. So we were like 18 people shopping for wedding wear.
When I got upset and left, Roy followed me back to his home where we argued. At the store though, my mom finally couldn't hold back anymore. She yelled at Kim and called her some nasty names.
Kim retorted by calling me a few nasty names. This led to a messy shouting match between Team bride and Team groom (Yami attempting to calm the situation down). Police were called and they were all escorted out of the shop.
After this whole thing happened, Kim went "missing", this is when I had that argument with Roy and went to stay at my friend's home. Kim wasn't answering her phone and she wasn't at any of her friends' or relatives' places.
Roy and Yami searched for her everywhere as they were worried for her safety, then found her at a distant relative's house the next morning. Yami had called me (which I didn't answer) to ask if I knew where Kim might've gone.
At the hospital, when I was inside the doctor's office, I had a full blown panic attack, I started to hyperventilate, high pulse rate, I was passing out then regaining consciousness for a few seconds before passing out again. I just remember a needle piercing my butt.
I was knocked out for a whole day (well my friend told me I was awake and acting drunk but I don't remember anything that happened). I woke up on my bed at my parents' house. Nobody asked me anything or spoke to me about what had happened.
My mom smiled sweetly at me when she saw me wake up and asked me if I wanted some coffee (and guess what mom's coffee kicks Kim's coffee's ass any day!). Maya and I spoke about her life abroad, my dad brought me some snacks and ice cream. It felt good to put off thinking about the wedding and the fall out to a later time.
Maya hugged me while I slept that night. I remember my heart feeling warm and tears running down my cheeks. She kept saying everything will be okay, have faith in God, it's okay to cry and let it all out.
Next morning, I got a call from Roy, I picked up, he asked me where I was and I said I'm at my home. He said he wants to meet me at his place to sit down and resolve the differences between us. I said okay, I'll be there. I can move on only if I end this chapter of my life once and for all.
My dad drove me, Maya and my mom to Roy's place. Roy, Kim, Yami and his Uncle (Yami's brother) were there. I know it's silly but I hoped Roy understood his mistakes and was going to apologise to me. And boy was I wrong!
As soon as we all sat down, Roy started yelling at me for making a scene at the wedding dress store and he went on to tell me how Kim went missing, how she was so upset because of the things my mom had said to her that she could've harmed herself, how his mom and him had to drive around the city all night in search of Kim and how I was so heartless to not answer Yami's call.
I calmly asked him where I was that night? I, like Kim, hadn't answered my phone too. I too was upset because of our fight. Did the thought of my well-being ever cross his mind? He went quiet for a few seconds then tried to say something fumbling his words. It didn't even make any sense.
I told him that I now know who is more important to him and it's definitely not me. His uncle intervened to speak over me to my dad saying "Kids these days fight over the smallest things, I'm sure you can make your daughter understand how married life requires sacrifices and isn't like in the movies".
My dad told him that it's my daughter's life and only she gets to decide if the issue is small or big, so let her speak to her fiance.
I looked back at Roy and told him that I know that I am the side chick and your sister is the main chick, any person with even a shred of self respect won't be fine with being her own husband's side chick. I said, you are free to marry your sister at the dream wedding that she has planned.
This resulted in a big fight that got physical (Roy hit me, my dad hit Roy). I was bleeding from my nose. The police and ambulance eventually came. Roy was bleeding from his mouth and his face looked bluish. The ambulance took him away. I was taken in another ambulance.
After I was treated, I was taken to the police station where mine and Roy's family were seated, but Roy wasn't there. Yami approached me and told me that she's sorry and wished me luck for my future.
The police took my statement and asked me if I wanted to press charges against Roy, I said yes. They informed me that his tooth had been knocked out and one of his ribs was broken, so there is a chance he might press charges against my dad. By midnight we were all allowed to go home.
This morning, my friends came over and we all had our breakfast together. After a lot of discussion, we decided that I need to start therapy as well as medication for my mental health. We ordered pizza for lunch and my dad kept making lame jokes.
Later mom, me, maya, best friend 1 and best friend 2 (Account owner) started reading the comments on my post. Mom was so happy about the replies to my comment about wanting to call my mom and cry.
She told me that I should never worry about being vulnerable with them, I need not put on a strong front for them when I'm actually hurting inside. She said she'd wished I'd contacted her sooner.
I would like to thank every single one of you who took out time to comment and show concern for a complete stranger. If it weren't for people like you, I wouldn't have seen the issues that I see so clearly now. I might've even forgiven him and ended up in a miserable marriage. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart 🙏🏽 You all restore my faith in humanity.
And for those who said that I need to grow a spine, well yes I do, but I'd like to share my POV. In my country, girls are taught from a very young age that girls who keep families together are good girls and girls who break families are bad ones.
Even though my parents never taught me that and I have a Master's degree, this concept somehow got ingrained in my brain at a very young age. That's why I wouldn't speak up to Kim. I didn't want to cause conflict between them because that's what the bad girls do. I hope therapy helps resolve it.
I'm still grieving the loss of not just the past and the relationship but also the beautiful future I'd dreamt of. I'm grieving the loss of the love of my life, a person who actually never existed. I know it will take time for me to heal but I do feel lighter.
My parents are over the moon but they hide their happiness from me as they know I'm still hurting. They look like they've aged backward. Roy has been discharged from the hospital. I hope he and his sister live happily ever after.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
You have such a supportive family. I am so happy for you that you found out who really loves you and dumped Roy. You're going to be so happy without Kim and Roy destroying your happiness.
Whimsical-Empress OP responded:
The way I felt so claustrophobic since Kim moved back is something that I have never experienced. Now that feeling is gone. This shows me that it was the right decision to dump him.
I am so glad you are out of that toxic family. I don’t condone violence but bloody well done to your dad! I hope Roy and Kim live a very unhappy life together being ridiculed where ever they go. Good luck in your new adventures.
Whimsical-Empress OP responded:
I've never seen my dad hit anybody. He's a cuddly gentle bear. I don't know what got into him that day. He's rarely ever raised his voice. And thank you for your wishes 🙏🏽
Keep kicking a#@ and living life for yourself! I hope you can live a life full of joy and love and celebration for who you are!
Whimsical-Empress OP responded:
Thank you 😊