'AITA for canceling Christmas after my BIL threw a fit over me inviting my ex-SIL to Thanksgiving and Christmas?'
"AITA for canceling Christmas after my BIL threw a fit over me inviting my ex-SIL to Thanksgiving and Christmas?"
I 38F married to my 44M husband for 15 years. My husband is one of six sons. His mother passed a few years after the youngest was born and his father passed about 9 years ago. Hubs is the 2nd.
There’s the oldest BIL(1)47 with SIL + 2 kids; hubs & I with 3 kids (currently pregnant with 4th); BIL(3)42 widowed with 1 kid; BIL(4)39 with gf; BIL(5)37 exSIL with 2 kids; and single BIL(6) 34. PHEW
Hubs and I are very well off. We both have very lucrative jobs and have made investments that has allowed us to have a very very comfortable life. We have a big ol' house and we are often the family that host holidays. We absolutely love it.
We spent all week cleaning prepping for the family to arrive and they typically stay with us Tue- Sat for Thanksgiving leave then come back the 21st- 26th for Christmas.
Now BIL 37 has been separated (soon divorcing)exSIL for 4.5years. The past few years since my BIL39 has separated from exSIL he has brought numerous gf to these holidays.
ExSIL has sometimes come and they are pretty cordial. However, recently - this past Thanksgiving, my BIL37 has been expressing that he doesn’t want to see nor does he feel like he should be accosted by his ex-wife at holidays. He saying regardless if he has the kids or not, he should be able to come and she shouldn’t be able to come anymore.
Why the sudden shift/change you might wonder? Well, this year exSIL has a serious bf who came with his daughter. (I should note, we welcome/open our home to all our family's SOs).
The kids and cousins have all met this daughter because we tend to see exSIL a lot outside of holidays as we do a lot of cousin hangs and she's the one who always brings the kids.
I am not too keen on BIL 37 (to me he's a scumbag but everyone tolerates him because family or whatever). In this instance, I stood firm and said that exSIL is always welcome at out house.
Another reason that I especially need exSIL is that no one else at these holidays can cook. During the holidays it's basically me and exSIL (and my mom). She’s my sous chef. We cook and plan the meals together for 20+ people as well as desserts and activities.
Other SIL also cannot cook but we love her and she usually hangs out in the kitchen chopping up vegetables and pouring wine, which is cool because company counts when you’re cooking.
So I said I think it’s absurd that you would want me to host the holidays by myself and cater to everyone because you feel that exSIL shouldn’t be there because she now has a new plan. And as I mentioned, I am preggers- just found out a few weeks before Thanksgiving, so I needed the help. I told him to you-know-what off.
Thanksgiving comes and goes- and BIL37 is a sourpuss the whole time - but overall everyone had a really good time. Now Christmas is coming up and the same issue is happening.
BILs are divided -- hubs, BIL47, and BIL42 on my/exSIL side-- and the others are saying I should stop inviting exSIL because she is "no longer family." I'm like wft - that is so friggin cruel.
Also she's my FRIEND, and ya'll are out of your damn mind if you feel like I'm going to shoulder the holidays by myself. Especially because NONE of the BIL actually help.
We don't expect/want anyone to contribute (especially if they can't cook) - but that doesn't change the physical toll that it takes to make this stuff happen. My husband - love him - said that this is too much stress for me, and we should just cancel and do something else.
We immediately booked a vacation. Ayeee. I then sent a message in the family group chat and notified everyone that we will not be doing Christmas this year and we will mail all the kids their gifts.
Now everyone is up in arms saying that I shouldn't cancel and that not having one person there isn't reason enough not to do the holidays, blah blah blah. My husband kind of chewed them out saying that exSIL is not some stranger or random person - she's been part of the family for 20 years - her and BIL 37 started dating in HS.
He also said that they don't get to take all the benefits of the holidays, not help, then demand I do things alone because BIL is in his feelings that she moved on. I told them they could all choke on a candy cane, and if they wanted to have Christmas that they could host, plan, cook and create the magic with the people they deemed "family." So yea - AITAH for this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, your house your rules.
NTA. What do they think you are? A freaking elf? Jesus. Hell no. And they think that someone who has spent 20 years and has kids into the family is no longer family? Like what if she has an emergency? They would let her rot?
Go and enjoy your vacations and congrats on your pregnancy and the nice husband you have because clearly, not everybody is as lucky. I am writing this and thinking repeatedly “Jesus”.
Comfortable_You_2355 (OP)
All I could think about when they said she's not family was that I pray nothing ever happens between me and hubs because I just KNOW they would kick me to the curb - such jerks.
Especially the youngest BIL - he lived with them for a few years straight out of college - she was basically taking care of him for at least 3-4 years, and again when he got laid off. People's memories are so short.
NTA. At all. If you are hosting you get to decide the invite list, not BIL. He can choose to come or not. And yes if it is too stressful, especially with being pregnant, then I am all for you getting a wonderful vacation and canceling the big event that takes sometimes days of planning/preparation. I am glad your husband is supporting you in this.
NTA obviously, but I'm just commenting to say, I LOVE that your husband is on your side, not only that, but it's his family and he suggested something different for your family group, regardless of his brother's attitudes. 10/10 hubby behavior. Enjoy your vacation, keep your friend and your kids cousins around.