"AITA for canceling Christmas after a family fight?"
I (25F) was supposed to go to my parents house for Christmas morning breakfast. My sister (32F), her husband, and her 3 kids were also going. My brother (29M) is married with 4 kids. My parents are hosting (Mom 50, Dad 51). Over the past year, my sister-in-law's family moved from about 12 hours away to 10 minutes away.
Like…everyone. Parents, siblings, grandparents all of them. Since then, my brother and his wife spend a ton of time with her family. We constantly hear about dinners, birthdays, and random get togethers at their house with her side. Meanwhile, my side of the family (me, my sister, and sometimes even my parents) are not really talked to much anymore.
We’re rarely invited to things with the kids or plan get-togethers anymore. And genuinely, the last time me and my fiancé stopped by their house we both got the very distinct sense we were unwelcome and almost intruding. I thought maybe I was being a really sensitive until my fiancé brought it up as soon as we got in the car.
I want to be clear I don’t resent her family time at all. I’m glad she has support, especially since she’s a SAHM and the rest of us work. We’ve helped plenty in the past with emergencies, watching the kids, even taken PTO to help, set up for birthday parties, etc. but it’s been really helpful for them to have family who’s more available.
Recently all of his in-laws were invited to his stepdaughter’s baptism, down to her siblings' spouses. None of us were invited. We weren’t even told it was happening.
This wasn’t a one off thing. just the most recent thing where me and my sister are hurt and unlike every time I’ve talked to my sister about things like this I cannot excuse it away. We get left on delivered a lot when try to plan things with their kids and them.
We’ve ask about doing things with the kids like trick or treating together, kid friendly New Year’s plan for after Christmas stuff, etc and get 0 response. Just straight left on delivered by both of them. I asked SEVEN TIMES for the kids’ Christmas lists and after a few lukewarm responses never got them.
It honestly feels like we have to beg to be included, and it’s exhausting. And very different than how all of us have ever been for the past 10 years. I privately told my brother that the lack of involvement this year has been painful and that it makes it feel like our side of the family isn’t really wanted in his or kids’ lives anymore.
His response was polite but tbh a super weird basically non answer. With no apology or like explanation as to why we were not invited whatsoever. When I talked to my mom about it, she told my sister and me that we were being ridiculous and needed to “get over it,” and said stuff like “that’s just how he is.”
And “he just doesn’t think about stuff like that” At that point, my sister and I were just done. We decided we don’t want to go to Christmas morning this year. We just don’t feel like showing up and potentially having hurt feeling spilling over in front of the kids. So AITA for canceling Christmas?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
owls_and_cardinals wrote:
If I understand this correctly, by 'cancelling Christmas' you mean you and your sister have both agreed not to go to your parents' house for Christmas, so that you don't have to see you brother, with whom you are feuding. I'm not really sure why you want punish your parents - or yourselves - over this matter.
Further, is this not the type of opportunity you're talking about being sad that you no longer have? Ie a chance to see and spend time with his family? If the situation with your bro is that you can't stand to see him right now, what you should probably do is make sure to visit and have a nice time with your parents and sister at another point in the day, or on Christmas Eve.
Again, don't punish your parents over this. But sitting out the thing that you actually want feels like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Only you can know if that actually helps things or not - to not see him.
Maybe you need to do this to make a point to him but it might just validate his / his wife's thinking. I'll go YTA if you ruin Christmas for your parents over this, by not coming up with an equivalent alternative plan for them. But NTA for not wanting to see your brother right now, after the hurt he has caused (it doesn't strike me as productive, but also not AHish of you).
OP responded:
Oh, for clarity me and my family are going to go do presents with my parents before they get there. And then go to my sister’s for lunch where my parents are going to meet us later. The very last thing we wanna do is exclude my parents from any of their grandkids. So we have it set up to where they’ll see all the kids on that day just not at the same time and I’m gonna go spend the afternoon with my sister.
Illustrious_Bird9234 wrote:
Why don’t you guys just start traditions without him? Why do you need to focus so much on his lack of attendance? I get that it hurts but it seems like he’s set on what his priorities are and he’s an adult there’s nothing you can do to change that.
They probably love you guys fawning over them so much. Stop inviting, stop group messaging, start making your own traditions and watch them probably start to get upset. That’s all you can do really though is move on. NAH.
OP responded:
Mostly feel bad for my mom in this scenario cause we don’t even wanna be at things at her house with him at this point.
DblAytch wrote:
INFO: just for clarification…your issue is that you don’t get included, but now that you’re invited to something with them, you don’t want to go?
OP responded:
No, we planned to do something at our mothers that is mostly planned by myself and now we’re not attending. They aren’t including us in their lives and we just want to have a peaceful Christmas and I don’t wanna talk to them about it in front of everyone’s kids.