'AITA for canceling the dinner my family planned after they skipped my graduation ceremony?'

"AITA for canceling the dinner my family planned after they skipped my graduation ceremony?"

I (20F) recently graduated from community college and am transferring to a 4-year university. I’m an immigrant from Europe, and this graduation meant a lot — it was the result of years of hard work and emotional ups and downs. So I invited my whole family in the U.S. to attend the ceremony.

My parents were there, no question. But four days before the event, my aunt (60F) texted me calling the ceremony “boring” and said she’d rather take me to dinner at a fancy place the week after. She never asked if I wanted that — she picked the restaurant, sent the location, and just asked for my availability to book a reservation.

I was caught off guard and agreed in the moment just to avoid conflict. But later I realized it wasn’t my plan at all, and I didn’t want to celebrate something they chose not to show up for. Then my cousin (35M, her son) told me he couldn’t come either — his wife was working and their baby was sick.

Honestly, I didn’t expect him to come anyway because I know his life is chaotic. But he let me know that he had talked to his mom and found out she was taking me to dinner, so he’d join. He didn’t plan it — he was just going along with it, and, again, I was never asked what I wanted.

Less than a day before the ceremony, my grandma (80F), who I was absolutely sure would come, said she wasn’t attending either. She mentioned hip pain and blood pressure. I had already arranged everything — golf cart transportation, shaded seating, water — and told her it would be safe.

For context, she lives independently, walks over 5,000 steps a day, gardens constantly, and is very active. Then she added, “next time you come by, we’ll celebrate at my place.” Again — no asking me what I wanted, just another plan made for me without me. She hasn’t spoken to me since, and I can’t shake the feeling that my aunt(her daughter) influenced her too.

Out of the 8 seats I reserved, only my parents came. But honestly, I had the best day ever. After that, I told the rest of my family I wasn’t going to do a makeup dinner or post-celebration. I had already celebrated with the people who showed up. I sent a calm message explaining that, without any drama.

My aunt responded passive-aggressively and tried to make it about herself. My cousin apologized and said he was just trying to see me when he could — which I appreciated. But still, the whole situation felt wrong.

They made plans about me, without involving me, and expected me to just go along with it. AITA for refusing to go along with a celebration I didn’t ask for, after being excluded from my own graduation plans?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Tangerine_Bouquet said:

NTA and the only real AH here I'd say is your aunt. Graduation ceremonies are not for the entertainment of the guests. They are a way to show up for people you love and celebrate an achievement.

Your aunt sounds very self-centered and unsupportive, and you're right not to go to her dinner-on-demand. Get together with the others as normal for your relationships. I hope they acknowledged your achievement. Congratulations and all the best in the coming years of uni!

TinyNiceWolf said:

Your aunt thought that celebrating your achievement should involve an actual celebration, something people enjoy, instead of sitting through a tedious ceremony. There's a reason most of those folks found an excuse not to go.

They want to hear from you, talk to you, not listen to some minor politician read a speech off some notecards. Also, other people are allowed to plan a party for you. They don't have to check and get your approval first.

While you're not obliged to go to any party, your reasoning is based on a foolish belief that the tedious ceremony is important. It's not, it's just an old tradition that hasn't died out yet. The important part is the work you did. YTA.

ScaryButterscotch474 said:

ESH fine to say that you want your ceremony and that is it. You are being churlish about the dinner. Your aunt organizing plans with you and asking about your availability - that was your opportunity to say that you didn’t want to do it.

Instead you allowed her to go to all of that trouble and you allowed your family to think that they could still celebrate you in another way… until you finally told them no AFTER the ceremony.

You seem so caught up in what you did not receive… that you have forgotten what you do have… which is a family who want to see you and wish you well. Plenty of people have families who don’t give a crap, never bothered organizing a dinner, would never pay for a dinner, would be hard pressed to send you a congratulatory text…

SG_12342 said:

NTA. I do think you should have told your aunt right away that you didn’t want to go, but it seems like you cancelled in a reasonable timeframe. I don’t know how mad you are at your grandma, but I don’t think that one is her fault. I get your frustration and how you don’t want to make new plans, and think you have the right to control if there will be a makeup celebration.

A lot of the older generation has a complex where they think they’ll “bring the mood down” if they’re even a little inconvenient to have around, which may be why she cancelled.

My grandmother (83 F) is the same way, and I have to reassure her a lot that I want her to come with me. You don’t seem to be mad at her, but I would advise you use some patience there. All in all I think you did fine. Congratulations on your graduation!

psalmwest said:

YTA. Graduation ceremonies ARE boring and your grandmother and cousin had perfectly acceptable reasons for backing out. Your aunt should not have flat out said she didn’t want to come bc it’s boring, I’ll give you that. She should have just said from the start “I can’t make it but would love to do a dinner in your honor.”

Emotional-Success612 said:

YTA -- I understand being upset that they couldn't be present for your special day, but they still want to celebrate you -- think of it like a gift: a gift that arrived a week after your birthday and it isn't exactly the color you wanted...

So instead if accepting that gift and doing your best to enjoy and celebrate with your family, you're instead going to throw a tantrum and not accept that gift in an effort to make a spiteful point. What is that point?

You aren't happy your extended family isnt sitting under the hot sun on hard stadium bleachers for four hours (or more) while you walk across a stage 300 yards away in a funny hat and wizard robe for all of 23 seconds. Dude -- seriously??!? YTA.

kwitzachhaderac said:

Absolute YTA. Your family clearly loves you and you are behaving like a child. You didn’t communicate at any point. Everyone knows that graduation ceremonies are mind numbingly boring and then you go out for a celebratory dinner. You’re being really weird about this and should apologize and accept the dinner. Pick your favorite restaurant and communicate!

goe4it said:

Nta. No is a perfectly acceptable response for an adult to use. Setting boundaries and your own expectations will help you in life. Congratulations on your graduation. You earned that. Your choice of how to celebrate was also earned. You sound like a kind person and are allowed your own choices. Choosing well is a kindness to yourself. You deserve that.