'AITA for canceling my fiancé's surprise bachelor party?' 'I was so shocked.'

AITA for canceling my fiancés "surprise" bachelor party?

So my fiance (25M) and I (26F) and getting married in 5 days. For context we are having a DIY wedding with about 80 guests who are coming to our backyard. I’m 6 months pregnant.

We don’t have a “wedding party” although my fiance asked his brother to be his unofficial best man, but it’s just a sentiment and doesn’t come with any real role. We decided early on we weren’t interested in having bachelor or bachelorette parties because we don’t really believe in the significance behind them of “celebrating your freedom.”

We told the unofficial best man and maid of honor we weren’t interested in and not to worry about it. Last night my fiancés mom said something about one of my finance’s friends (let’s call him Tom) “planning” something for Thursday. We get married on Saturday and have a rehearsal dinner on Friday. Tom is not the best man and no conversation about him being a best man has ever occurred.

My fiance texted Tom, saying he heard something about a plan for Thursday and wanted to know what was up. Immediately Tom FaceTimed us and he sheepishly admitted he was planning a bachelor party.

He went into some details about the plan (mostly getting drunk) and said that my friends had planned something for me. The gist of it was basically that he planned a party and invited everyone but me and my closest female friends.

I was so shocked at the lengths he had gone to coordinate this behind our backs (including picking people up from an airport that’s 2 hours away, contacting dozens of our friends he had either met briefly or didn’t know at all, and also finding my mom on Facebook to get someone to plan something for me) I didn’t know how to respond.

My fiance didn’t know what to say either and looked at me like it was my decision to call this off or not. I said something along the lines of “omg no, we don’t want bachelor parties I’m not interested in this.” I felt very put on the spot but also bad for clearly ruining weeks of planning.

On one hand it seems sweet that Tom went so out of his way to plan and coordinate this event, but on the other hand it seems like a huge overstep to do it without any input from us. I also think he knows us well enough to know that if we were asked we would say we aren’t interested, and that’s why it was planned in secret.

If we hadn’t heard something beforehand it would have been a complete ambush right before our wedding. I can’t explain how much panic I would have felt if Tom showed up unannounced on Thursday to take my fiance away on a secret bachelor party night…

It would have ruined the entire night and probably the next day, even if my friends had planned something for me. (Again, I’m pregnant. Whatever they had planned for me wasn’t a wild night, whereas knowing Tom, his was).

So AITA here? My fiance agrees with me that the whole thing is ridiculous but if I had said ok I think he would have gone along with the plan just to be polite.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

NorthernLitUp said:

NTA but it sounds like some people are flying in for this party. You can tell Tom that you and your friends will be joining the party and that anything not in good taste or predicated on drunken partying should be canceled, but out of respect for guests who are flying in, you hope you can all enjoy a nice evening together.

That will teach him to go behind people's backs in the future while not causing people who spent money to fly in for this to have to cancel their plans for something that wasn't their fault (I'm sure they had no idea you guys didn't want these parties when Tom invited them).

DuePromotion287 said:

Easily YTA. His friends wanted to do something special for and with him. It was not about you.

LadyJusticeThe said:

Soft YTA. It sounds like people did something really nice for you. I get that it's not part of your plan, but bachelor/bachelorette parties are about more than "celebrating your freedom" or "sowing wild oats."

There is a shift that happens when you get married, you go from two single people to a unit. It might feel like you're already a unit but it's different.

The bachelor/bachelorette party is a send off into that world by your friends, it's as much for them as it is for you, as they are losing their "single" friend to a married unit that will have to come first in ways that your boyfriend might not have.

WickedAngelLove said:

YTA. This sounds like you are controlling but trying to make it seem like you aren't to us. You say he goes with the flow but maybe he's going with the flow with you. Why would they tell you about a surprise party and you canceling just days before sucks for those who wanted to come out and celebrate your husband.

He's literally saying he would have went along with it if you were fine which says to us that he's only saying its ridiculous bc you're pregnant and he doesnt' want to argue.

McflyThrowaway01 said:

NTA and I'll tell you why: Tom isn't doing some sweet thing by coordinating a celebration for his friend and one for you (AKA inserting himself into a "best man" role in a wedding that has no wedding party, where the bride (6 months pregnant) and groom literally said they didn't want a bachelor or Bachelorette parties).

He made executive decisions on your behalf for a party so he could throw a bachelor party for your fiance. This was to prevent you from being upset (fiance didn't know, and Tom was kind enough to think of you).

a nice thing to do would've been to throw a low-key jack and Jill surprise party for you and fiance to celebrate with friends together. He could have set up just a dinner for some of the guys and spoke to your fiance about it.

Tom seems like the type of guy that gets really disappointed if there isn't a bachelor party. Maybe he thought this was your choice, and your fiancé really wanted one. It sucks that your fiances mom and so many others didn't give you a heads up until 5 days out. I'm sorry but timing seems suspect, almost to force you to agree.

FUNCSTAT said:

NTA. If they know you don't want these parties, they shouldn't throw one and they definitely shouldn't make it a surprise. And the fact that they were gonna do it two days before the wedding is pretty bad. I don't think they have bad intentions but they need to accept your wishes.

EffectiveOne236 said:

NTA. It was well intended, I think? But you'd already said you didn't want it and you're pregnant. It seems pretty distasteful to me to upset a pregnant bride the day before the wedding.

I'm surprised someone didn't talk him out of it. I don't know you or your life, but most pregnant women are hormonal and have mood swings, so this was a pretty risky move considering you'd already said no. And more importantly, your fiancé was also a no. There was no interest. That makes it inconsiderate on Tom's part. I won't say he's an AH but I definitely think you're not.

lordcommander55 said:

YTA that look your fiance gave you was asking for permission because he knew you'd be pissed if he said yes. If he didn't want to go, he would have said no right away. Do you often make decisions without getting his input?

Think real hard and how often do you give your input before he gives his? He then agrees with you AFTER you've provided your thoughts, am I right?

Ok-Physics7878 said:

YTA. You sound insufferable. Your friends went out of their way to show up for you and you get offended?!?!? The only good thing is that you will eventually get your way. Your friends will stop showing up.