'AITA for canceling my mom’s birthday dinner and taking her out to eat without my brothers?'
"AITA for canceling my mom’s birthday dinner and taking her out to eat without my brothers?"
I’m having a mild panic attack because I acted out of frustration and don’t know if that makes me an AH in this situation or not. My mom’s birthday was last week. My family (myself, my three younger brothers, their SO’s, and my mother) made plans to do dinner at my mom’s place tonight.
I planned to buy and cook all the food and the cake and then my brothers and I were going to go in on a big gift for my mom. We’ve been planning this for weeks. I’ve been busy with work so I wasn’t able to go get the gift earlier this week.
But, I texted my brothers in a group chat today and sent a screenshot of the gift, let them know I was going to pick it up, reminded them of the dinner time, and asked them to send me their share of the money.
All of them chose then to inform me they didn’t have money to pitch in. Which normally doesn’t bother me. I understand that the world is rough right now and everything is expensive. I’m barely hanging on by a thread most days.
I have a degree and work an emotionally draining job during the week and have a second side gig that I work literally every day. I know how hard it is to just survive, but I’ve been busting my ass all week to make sure I had the money to do this for my mom.
She goes all out for all of us on our birthdays (and Christmas and literally every other day of the year). I made sure to fully plan this out way in advance so my brothers could save the money for the gift and literally didn’t have to do anything else but show up for dinner with our mother.
So when they all just sounded super nonchalant about not having the money to chip in and kind of like they just expected me to take care of everything, I lost it a little. I called my mom (didn’t tell her why, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, though I’m sure she figured it out) and asked if she’d like to go to her favorite restaurant for dinner (on me, of course).
She sounded excited about that. I texted the boys and told them I was taking her to dinner instead and they could come if they wanted to. They were all pretty pissed about it, because they don’t have the money to go. I did tell them I was picking up a cake after dinner and they could meet me at my mom’s to do the cake and see her, though that didn’t seem to help much.
I still plan to go pick the gift up, but I’m not putting their names on it. Which I feel petty about, but I’m just tired of this happening every time we do something for her. They always seem to have money and ideas for my dad.
I feel like they take our mom for granted and I’m always picking up the slack so she thinks all of us were in on whatever it was we (I) planned. AITA? Should I have just carried on with the original plan?
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
Hi, everyone! First, thank you all for the comments. I super appreciate each of you taking the time to respond. Some of it was for sure tough to read, but I think I needed to hear it. Second, this is a real lengthy update but after so many comments, I figured I should give it.
My mom and I had an AMAZING day yesterday. We went shopping, went to dinner, and I gave her the gift I got her. The woman almost did cartwheels out of the restaurant. It was just a pink Kitchenaid stand up mixer. She’s wanted one forever and would never buy it for herself. Seeing her so excited made all of this totally worth it.
Update on my brothers- they pooled their three brain cells together by the end of the day and realized why I was so upset. They ended up apologizing and promising not to let it happen again. Which I appreciate, but did let them know my boundaries going forward.
I plan to make this a tradition with my mom and they’re always invited to attend the dinner, but I won’t be getting my hopes up for them going in on a bigger gift, nor will I rely on them to do so. I encouraged them to each get a gift for my mom on their own. They can do with that what they will, but I know where I stand.
They all did come over to her house afterwards for the cake. My mom definitely has bougie taste in baked goods, so the cake I got was fairly expensive (but still totally worth it to see her so excited).
The boys said they were going to send me money to pitch in for the cake when they get paid next week. Whether or not they actually will, I’m not sure, but I guess we’ll see. I had already planned to do that on my own, so I’m not real pressed about them sending the money for that.
It would be nice, but I’m not holding my breath. My mom loved the cake, and loved that all of her kids/grandkids/DIL’s came together to sing happy birthday and hang out with her for a couple hours.
I wanted to answer some frequently asked questions, too. I am a woman and the oldest of the siblings (I’m 31). My three brothers are all grown, ranging in age from 23 to 29.
My dad didn’t know any of this was happening, mainly because him and my mom are no longer married. They’ve been divorced since I was 16. Though I should have called him to let him know. He does not mess around about my mom and gives a very good “pull your head out of your ass” speech.
This has happened a few times in the past. As in, them not putting in nearly as much effort as I have (or none for some of them) and I just go through with it anyway for my mom. But that’s not happening again.
Took me 31 years to set these boundaries with my brothers, but those boundaries are permanent going forward. This post is not AI. I wish it was. Would make my life a lot easier.
I am usually the one to plan birthdays or other special occasions outside of major holidays. My parents always plan the big holidays together. They’re divorced but we still do things like Christmas, thanksgiving, Easter, and Halloween together as a family. I’ve been fairly blessed with parents who have divorced but are still really good friends.
My brothers always have more input on my dad because they do know him better, I think. I’m close to both of my parents, but my mom is definitely my best friend. We see each other multiple times a week just to do random stuff like go to Walmart together or whatever.
We also live fairly close to each other, which makes this possible. All of my brothers work with my dad every day so they do talk all the time. Although, I feel like this shouldn’t be an excuse not to have at least one idea.
My mom gets excited by any amount of effort from anyone in her life. They could gift her a picture of her with her grandkids in a nice frame and she would cry for a week. Like, it doesn’t have to be expensive.
It just has to show you thought about her. I just wanted to do this big gift because she’s been staring at this damn mixer for two years now, talking about how much she wants it, but she will never buy something expensive for herself. She deserved it.
I think those were the most asked questions. If you want to know anything else, feel free to ask. But also thank you all again. I needed the tough love. I’ve been coddling my brothers since they were born and that’s my fault. As the oldest and a very type A personality, I have always felt responsible for everyone in my family. I’m slowly learning that’s not helpful, to them or myself.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
First off, it sounds like you made sure your mom had a wonderful all-about-her birthday. Also, you got your sibs to wake tf up about their attitude to their mother. But... JUST a pink KitchedAid stand mixer? JUST?!? That would make we do cartwheels, jumping jacks, and jazz hands all at once! That is a primo, #1, first-rate gift. Kudos to you!
NTA - your brothers are users. Don't include them in gifts for mom in future. Men need to learn to handle their own emotional labour, gift shopping, etc., instead of depending on the women in their lives to do it.
Yeah definitely don't put their names on a gift they didn't contribute to and clearly never had any intention of contributing to. You should really tell your mother the truth about them.
Sounds to me like they expected you to just cover everything while they came over, ate for free and still got credit for doing literally nothing. NTA. Celebrate with your mom. They can plan their own gifts or not. Stop doing everything for them. They just expect it and don’t care how you feel about it.