'AITA for canceling our gender reveal party because I know my husband will be unhappy and possibly leave?'
"AITA for canceling our gender reveal party because I know my husband will be unhappy and possibly leave?"
My (37F) husband (43M) and I have a son (9M) together and I am currently pregnant with our second child. My husband and I have already booked the venue for the gender reveal, will lose the photographer's deposit, and what we spent on decorations, etc.
However, my husband is more concerned about the reputation effect as he grew up affluent, has a very high paying job and also a stake in a family business. However, I can tell that despite us already having a boy who he absolutely adores...
(they can do no wrong in each other's eyes, my son always had every toy, fun activity, best clothes gifted by his dad), he desperately wants our second child (who we expect to be our last) to be a boy.
I went into planning this reveal rationalizing that gender disappointment is okay, but I've come to realize that there is wishing you're having a son, and then there's fixating on NOT having a daughter even more than wanting another son, and my husband falls into the second category.
We didn't do a gender reveal for our first born because my husband kept putting off whether or not he wanted to hear it from the doctor and when. We ended up learning (with him ecstatic) about having a son less than a month before giving birth.
It's not all his fault: he grew up with an older dad who was always controlling towards his mother. Their town at the time was essentially a company town and his dad threatened her family's jobs. Plus he made it impossible for her to go about her day without seeing him until she agreed to be with him.
My husband also pursued me pretty aggressively and we had tension over how I at times felt uneasy around him. Yes we've been in therapy over this. Our marriage had been strained because I was done with him not understanding why my body was still not 100 percent 3 months after giving birth.
He would counter by saying I turned down intimacy the day after giving birth but that was him showing he was attracted to me post baby. Now his demons are back. We got to a point where he said fine to me going alone to hear the baby's gender (without telling him), and I found out we're having a girl. I guess I don't have a good poker face by his negative reaction after I got home.
He is arguing he doesn't know the baby's gender because I did not explicitly tell him but 100 percent he does know. I'd be fine with a reveal where the guests are the ones being surprised but it's in a week and with each day my husband grows more withdrawn and he's not the type who can fake happiness and often tries to leave and pull me away with him when he's really upset.
I decided to pull the plug. Again, he's not mad about the money yet he's angry that we're doing this to our family and friends and what this may say about him. I put my foot down. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
flappy_twat said:
I feel sorry for you that you thought marrying him was a good idea, you need to work on your self esteem. NTA for canceling the party but that is like the least of your problems at this point.
Hungry_Godzilla said:
YTA for staying with this person. Your daughter will always feel inadequate because of her POS dad.
Ok_Perception1131 said:
YTA for marrying a controlling misogynist, having a child with him (who will grow up to be a controlling misogynist) and then defending his behavior on here. Pull your head out of your a$s.
MackinawDreams said:
You’re asking the wrong question. “AITAH for staying with a controlling, abusive man who I know will not treat my daughter well? It’s definitely not his fault {puke} ‘cause he grew up in a toxic, controlling home, and he’s perpetuated it on me.
My body isn’t even my own, in his opinion. (He’ll want intimacy too soon postpartum and pressure me for it… but it’s supposed to be flattering because he “finds me so attractive.”) I’m scared how he’ll treat the daughter he does not want. I’m scared how he’ll teach our son how to treat his sister.“ Did you read your own post?? Your FIL taught your husband how to stalk, threaten and pursue a woman until she gave up. FIL THREATENED THEIR JOBS.
Your husband “pursued” you aggressively until you caved because he made you feel uneasy if you didn’t do what he wanted. Right? You know it’s right. He’s a huge d-k. A scary, abusive, aggressive, rich and privileged prick.
Congrats on making another baby with this colossal misogynist. You knew you had a 50/50 CHANCE WOULD BE A GIRL AND BE HATED BY HIM. And you did it anyway. You suck too, op. And that makes me sad. Because he’s doing this to you and the kids. But you’re making a cozy nest with him anyway.
Prestigious_Time_138 said:
Wow he sucks. Cancel the whole thing since it’s a stupid waste of time anyways, and now has been ruined completely by his attitude. Was he always a misogynist? I can understand wanting a son as a man, but he already has a son and is pissed that the second child is a girl? Does he have a sh%tty personality in other aspects of life too?