'WIBTA for canceling my SIL's engagement pictures due to her fiancé talking badly about me?'
"WIBTA for canceling my SIL's engagement pictures due to her fiancé talking badly about me?"
So I 29F am a photographer and my sister in law 21F lets call her Alissa, and her 24M fiancé, Brandon had asked me to take their engagement photos. I initially agreed and was happy about it. I offered help with styling, scouted locations and everything.
Let me add here that Brandon had always seemed to just be the shy and quiet kid who kept to himself ever since he was introduced to us two years ago. I never had a clue he actually hates me and my husband...a lot.
This isn’t the first time I felt a little awkward tension between Brandon and I, but Alissa let me know that he did like me and I was over thinking it. This was about a month ago now.
My brother in law 28M Cole just called us to let me know about his weekend plans, asked to hang, the average conversation. But then was like “oh man, I gotta tell you that Brandon really let it be known that he can’t stand you guys at dinner with everyone and he really thinks you are the most annoying people in the family”.
Cole had also said that Brandon had mentioned that he was thankful that Cole and their dad were at least “normal” unlike the rest of “us” who annoy the living heck out of him. So basically the rest of us are trash.
I am highly offended by this. This is the most blindsided I’ve ever been by someone who is actively seeking something for free from me. I am not just a free lance photographer, I am a luxury wedding photographer in a large city. This is my career and also someone who is going to be in my family?
Brandon also had said some not no nice things about my husband while on this rant about us, and I’m having a hard time not making a phone call directly to the source to confront this. I will always defend my own, immediately but must say I’m conflicted in causing family conflicts right before two large weddings are about to happen soon.
Part of me feels extremely guilty and sad for Alissa because I do like her, we’ve never been extremely sisterly or close but she’s always been sweet and it really hurts that she was basically right there while Brandon sits letting everyone know that he has such a problem with us just days before this engagement session.
I really don’t think I could show up on Sunday and play pretend after hearing that I am SOO annoying and the worst to be around. Would I be the a$$h0l3 for canceling this session while also letting her know that I would not have hurt feelings if they didn’t want me there at all as I am now uncomfortable to be around them?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Reasonable-Bad-769
Oof. I think you should first discuss this with hubby to make sure you're on the same page. I would arrange a cal with SIL and let her know that you can no longer take her photos.
Explain that knowing how Brandon feels about you will affect your ability to take the photos they deserve and honestly? You are now uncomfortable around him knowing how he feels. NTA.
Big-Narwhal-3280 OP responded:
He was on the phone and heard this whole thing thank goodness!! Cole let this out the bag just in time to make everything weird. I just don’t even think I would flow in a session where someone hates me truly.
Rayonjersey
Do not have a phone conversation. Put it all in text so no one can claim you said something you didn’t and twist your words.
TossingPasta
NTA. I suggest you text Alyssa "Hi Alyssa, I just heard about all the negative comments Brandon made about me and
. I am deeply saddened to learn that you did nothing to defend either of us but that is something you will have to live with.
Given how Brandon (and possibly you also) feels, I no longer am extending my services as your engagement photographer. I certainly understand if you choose not to invite me or
to your wedding."
Far_Dependent_8975
INFO : did anybody else confirmed what Cole told you ?
That should be the first step.
Big-Narwhal-3280 OP responded:
Yes, 3 others at the dinner confirmed. So I’m 100% sure.
mfruitfly
NTA. You and your husband should be on the same page and then call Alissa and tell her your decision. I'd frame it like "we heard at a family meal Cole was saying X, Y, Z about us and our feelings are very hurt." Then give her a chance to explain and even invite Cole to the conversation. I think you do this part before saying you won't photograph them to see what they say.
They may say it didn't happen- make sure you feel either open to that reason or have confirmed with one other person they did say those things so can call them out for lying, or they will say it did happen and they stand by what was said- then you decline to take photos, or they admit it but apologize.
Even with the last one, I'd decline to photograph them and just say "I appreciate you apologizing and we would certainly like to work towards having a better relationship, but for now we have to step back a little and I won't be photographing you. I feel a little like you were only using me while saying these things about me, so as a first step of us trying to get back to being cordial, I have to decline doing that."