"AITA for calling off my wedding because my dad died?"
I (27F) lost my Dad 3 months ago. He was my hero, my protector, and the man who showed me everyday how to live with kindness and integrity. I still cry pretty much everyday thinking about all the things he wont be here to experience with me and how much I miss him.
My fiancée Kassy (26F) was great at first, comforting me and picking up a lot of my slack around the house. It took me about 2 weeks to become a semi functional human again, and I could tell she was growing a bit impatient but she never said anything.
We were planning to get married in June, and yesterday I asked her to sit down and talk. For a while I've been thinking that getting married in 9 months is just too soon for me now.
My dad also died in June so our wedding anniversary would forever be just 2 days after his death anniversary. I told her I love her and I still want to marry her but I think I need more time.
She got upset and said people already know we plan to get married in June so it'll look bad. We haven't made any bookings for the wedding yet (where I live you really only need to start that stuff about 6 months before) so we wouldn't be losing any money.
I tried to explain that I just want to be fully present and healed from this loss on our wedding day so it can be a truly magical day for us both and I won't be preoccupied with wishing my dad was there.
I know that no matter when I get married, I am going to be heartbroken that my Dad isn't there. And they say time heals all wounds, but mine aren't healed yet.
She started to cry and said that I am being selfish and that "our wedding isn't about your dead dad" and that she cant be expected to wait for me to get over it forever. I was shocked.
She immediately apologized and kept crying, but I felt like my entire body went cold. I got up and went to the bedroom and closed the door. She got the hint and slept in the guest room.
This morning we have both been very quiet and it breaks my heart to see her so sad, but at the same time she isn't the one who lost a parent. Kassy never normally acts like this and is usually so kind and understanding, so I am genuinely confused and wondering if I'm in the wrong.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Please urgently book yourself some grief counseling and you both some relationship counseling and encourage her to get some personal therapy herself as well.
There's a huge risk of both of you saying something you don't mean but can't take back from the pain you're feeling inside. You need to strengthen the tools to support one another through awful times if your relationship is to survive and last. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA If you don't have any bookings, I would do it in July. No need to have it so close to the death day of your father.
I get why your fiancée feels hurt, but her reaction sounded more like fear and frustration than genuine disregard for your grief. Maybe she’s worried about how others will perceive the delay or fears it means you’re unsure about marrying her. Couples counseling could help bridge that gap so you both feel heard.
Dry_Competition_52 (OP)
This is an interesting way of looking at it. I plan to talk with her when we both get home from work tomorrow ( I usually leave for work before she gets up) and I'll be sure to ask her where the comment came from and what she is afraid of. I am still hurt by what she said, but we've been together long enough for me to give her the benefit of the doubt and take the time to have a real conversation.
NAH. I think moving it from June is an excellent idea, and I think because you want to postpone indefinitely, your fiancée has every right to be upset. Move it to August. That gives you more of a buffer from his death date and doesn’t make her feel like she’s in relationship limbo.
However, if you can’t give her a solid time frame, and I mean specifying a month, not just saying later, then you might lose her. You have every right to mourn your dad and not want to marry two days after what is the anniversary of his death. It sounds like you loved your dad and I am sure he loved you. You need to continue living instead of shutting down your life.
People who love us want that for us. If you lost your fiancé because of your grief, I suspect he’d be very saddened. It’s only September, his death is still incredibly fresh for you. Consider joining a grief support group or seeing a grief counselor, even if only for a few sessions.
If nothing has been booked, no money spent, no invitations sent out, I dont see what the problem is by moving the date. BUT personally, it would be veeeeeeery difficult for me to get past those statements and her reaction after my father only passed 3 months ago.
I don't think I would be able to look at my partner the same way. I say this is worth a visit to a couples therapist before moving forward with an actual wedding. Condolences to you OP. NTA.
I get that Kassy is upset, but I think her reaction came from fear more than malice. Fear of losing momentum, fear that postponing means the wedding might not happen. Maybe framing it as “I need this time so I can give you my best self on our day” will help her see it differently. It’s not about not wanting to marry her, it’s about wanting to do it in the right headspace.