'AITA for canceling my daughter's senior trip after I found out she was cheating on her BF?' UPDATED
"AITA for canceling my daughter's senior trip after I found out she was cheating on her BF?"
I have two daughters, Lizzie (17 F) and McKenzie (14 F). Their dad and I divorced a few years ago after I discovered he was having an affair. I have the kids most of the time, and their dad has them every weekend and during the summers.
Lizzie has been dating Jacob (18 M) for over a year now. Jacob is constantly at our house. He’s a sweet, good young man, and I believe he’ll be valedictorian of their class. However, a few weeks ago, I overheard Lizzie on the phone with a guy, clearly flirting. At first, I thought it was Jacob, but then I heard her say, “Brandon.”
I realized she was talking to someone else. Then a week later, she mentioned to me that she was heading out to hang with a “friend,” and when I looked out the window, I saw her get into a car and greet a guy with a kiss. It wasn’t Jacob.
Even after that, Jacob continued to come over, hanging out with Lizzie. He and Lizzie still acted like a couple—holding hands, laughing, and spending time together—just like they always had. I felt disgusted knowing my daughter was being a two-timer.
After Jacob left that day, I confronted my daughter. I asked her point-blank, “Are you cheating on your boyfriend with another guy?” She said it was none of my business and that her personal life was hers only. I told her she was wrong and that I raised her better than to treat people like this.
She told me she was bored with Jacob and that Brandon was more her type now. I told her that if she wasn’t happy, she should just break up with Jacob. She said she didn’t know if she wanted to be with Brandon or if she was just having fun flirting and teasing. I told her cheating was unacceptable and wrong, and as a consequence, I grounded her.
I also told her she wasn’t allowed to go on her senior trip with her friends. She obviously did not take that too well and has been at her dad’s place for the last couple of days.
My ex husband called me, saying I was being unreasonable not letting her go on the trip and that her and Jacob was just a “high school thing” He then told me I needed to put my “bitterness aside” and “stop punishing his daughter.” I told him I was teaching our daughter right from wrong, and that actions have consequences.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
She will probably learn to be better at cheating. What you're doing is not wrong but I don't think it will work.
Like “mom can’t be trusted”
What OP has done is guarantee her teen won’t come to her for help. Talk to the kid and even express your disappointment but this punishment is so over the top, OP made her teen the “victim” and that’s how the teen will see it.
OP should say something to Jacob. He has a right to know.
I'm conflicted. I understand teaching her a lesson, but she is also young and immature and not ready for a serious relationship.
I think canceling her trip may be considered harsh. But I get where you are coming from. May be have her come clean with her bf and apologize for breaking his trust would be a route to take. It teaches her to own her mistakes and take accountability. I fear that canceling her trip would lead her to not confide in you about any obstacles she may face in the future out of fear of being punished.
Tough one. At the moment, the daughter is the AH, but we all made mistakes when we were 17.
NTA. Your post sounds like Lizzie's a Daddy's girl and he's been green lighting her behavior.
Dinojars OP:
He's definitely the "fun parent". Dad gives them money and takes them on trips while I do the actual parenting. My youngest needed a physical exam for soccer tryouts and he couldn't even be bothered to do that.
Will dad undermine you and allow her to go on the trip? Personally, if I were you, I’d tell Jason. He deserves to know. Don’t leave it to Lizzie, she’ll just continue to lie and hurt him more in the long run.
Dinojars OP:
We agreed to split the costs of the trip. He wants to buy her a car for graduation gift, so he asked me to pitch in for the senior trip costs. He typically pays for big things like this. He has told me he will pay for the entire trip himself if he has to in order for her to go.
YTA. She's dating not married. She's 17, it's what happens during the teen years. It doesn't matter how much you like or relate to Jacob. She's dating and it will be in her best interest to date a few guys before she settles down with one.
Yeah. Taking away a once in a lifetime event is great parenting. Please don’t get kids.
Dinojars OP:
Cheating on your children's mom isn't great parenting either.
This isn’t about your husband. This is about you and your daughter. You bringing up your husband’s cheating tells everything. You didn’t ask if your husband was an AH for cheating. Yes he was.
This is about you punishing your daughter because he cheated on you. That makes you a horrible parent. And him cheating doesn’t change if he was a good parent or not. It makes him a s^&%ty husband. One can be a great parent and a sh&$%y partner.
Dinojars OP:
Our divorce impacted our kids and both daughters grades started to fall when we were going through the divorce. I had to pick up the pieces and hold our family together. The girls are back on track, but it was not easy. Your father packing his bags and becoming a weekend day DOES impact the kids. I only mentioned it because you called me a bad parent.
6 days later OP came back with this update:
I received a lot of good advice from my original post and wanted to provide an update.
My daughter has been at her dad’s house since my last post. I called her saying I’m reconsidering cancelling her senior trip, but she needs to tell me what’s going on with this new guy, Brandon.
She reiterated that it’s not serious and she’s just having fun. I told her she needs to decide which guy she actually wants to be with. She said she doesn’t want Brandon, but he’s fun and Jacob can be too serious and controlling. She likes how chill Brandon is.
She kept saying she doesn’t understand why I care so much, that I’m supposed to be on "her side", and that I’m acting like Jacob is my child, and not her. I told her that wasn’t the issue. The issue is that cheating is wrong, and she’s hurting Jacob, who she claims to love. She says she’s not hurting him because he doesn’t know about Brandon.
I told her she’s going to have to tell him, and only then will she be allowed to go on her senior trip. She said she couldn’t do that. She still wants Jacob, but he can be annoying sometimes, and she needs a change of pace. I told her it was wrong to use both of these guys.
I asked her if Brandon goes to the same school, and she said no, that he isn’t in school at all. I tried pressing her on how old Brandon is, but she wouldn’t give me a clear answer. She just kept saying he’s not that much older, but not in school.
After the call, I contacted my ex-husband to express our concerns about this new guy and how secretive our daughter is being about him. He told me I need to stop being a helicopter parent and let our daughter make her own mistakes and decisions about her love lives. I told him we don’t know anything about this Brandon guy, and how can he not be concerned about him?
He said he trusts our daughter and that she is nearly an adult and that I’m just being controlling and projecting my issues onto her. I told him with how little we know about this Brandon and her not willing to at least break up with Jacob, there is no way she is going on the senior trip.
My ex husband got upset saying I cannot make these decisions on my own and that she is his daughter too. He then he told me he’ll be paying for the full senior trip and that I need to back off if I want our daughter to ever come back home.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
I think your mistake is you're speaking to your daughter about this in terms of how it is bad for Jacob. That's why she thinks you're acting like Jacob is your child and you're not on her side.
You need to explain to her how your concern is about what this behavior is doing to her and your concerns about how she is going to get hurt when this blows up in her face.
Your daughter learned from your ex that cheating is not a big deal, and many people commenting on your posts seem to think it's not your responsibility to teach your daughter right from wrong.
I don't know if canceling the senior trip is the right move, but I do know that your daughter doesn't deserve to have a partner if this is how she treats them.
Canceling her senior trip is not a natural consequence at all. Natural consequences are important for all kids, but especially for those on the verge of adulthood. I really don’t think canceling this trip will teach her anything. Nothing at all. She’ll just resent you.