"AITA for cancelling a third date over a peanut allergy?"
A friend of mine set me up on a date with a coworker of hers. She said we were perfect for each other. Our first date was at a coffee shop, and then we arranged to meet up at a botanical garden the next week.
While we were at the botanical garden she told me about her peanut allergy, which she described as life-threatening. I told her that must be stressful, and she said it was. We arranged for a lunch date this week at the end of the date.
After that date I started thinking. I love peanuts and eat them all the time. I put peanut butter in/on a lot of stuff, including my dog's toys, which he drags all over my apartment, getting invisible peanut oil everywhere, I'm sure. I can't see a potential relationship with this woman ever progressing to a serious stage without me changing my diet and habits.
At this point we've only been on two dates, and I think it would be more respectful of her time to not go on a third. So I called her and told her I was sorry, but we need to cancel. She asked if I wanted to reschedule, and I apologized but said I didn't think we would work out long term.
She asked why, and I was honest. I said I really like peanuts and would be nervous about potentially harming her. She said there were a lot of safety precautions we could take to keep her safe, and I admitted I know that but don't want to do them.
She said "wow" and told me I'm immature. I apologized again, but she hung up. She told my friend what happened, and my friend is confused by my reasoning. She said her coworker said I'm a massive jerk. I don't feel like I am.
We only went on two dates. Two dates doesn't imply any commitment. I asked her if she agrees I'm a jerk. She said she's not sure, but that my logic is "definitely weird." Do you guys agree?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You had to choose between her and peanuts. You chose peanuts. That’s your choice whether people like it or not.
That’s harsh. I think he chose his lifestyle and his dog. My dog has a peanut butter chew toy. I make peanut butter fudge. Reese’s is my favorite candy. I cook Asian dishes with peanuts and eat them at restaurants. It would be a difficult change.
NTA. The point of dating is to see if you two are compatible. You're clearly not.
Exactly, that's what dates are for. It would have been much worse to keep giving her dates and keep thinking they weren't compatible and giving her false hope.
NTA. You're not compatible.
BusinessBobcat9888 (OP)
Exactly! That's exactly my mindset. There are no bad guys in incompatibility.
Also, three dates in. If you're not getting a vibe, you don't need a reason - just the transparency to say "you're not for me" is enough.
Two dates isn't a commitment, certainly not a point where you plan to make major changes to your life to accommodate her serious allergy. Honestly I think you were being extremely considerate.
Two dates is enough to know it’s not the sort of head over heels thing where you are going to upend your entire life to be with this person. Which is totally OK.
Exactly. I've fallen hard enough for a guy after just one long conversation that I would have been completely open to doing something like that if he had a serious allergy. I'd have moved mountains!
This clearly ain't that. But OP was still courteous enough to give it serious thought and end it early on so as not waste her time. Imho she's the AH for treating him like he owes her a relationship and an adjustment to his entire life for her and trash-talking him to their mutual friend.
NTA you don't need a reason to decide not to date someone, but a peanut allergy is a perfectly good one if you eat a lot of peanuts and don't want to give them up and don't want to deal with all the precautions to protect her.
I probably would have just told her I'm not feeling the connection I want to feel in a relationship and feel it's best we both move on. Seems getting specific about why you don't want to date often brings a pretty negative response, so I prefer to just keep things neutral. The truth is though that some people don't take rejection well and will get butt hurt no matter what you say.
I have a life threatening peanut allergy and I’d honestly find this thinking refreshing. I’d still want to be your friend. NTA, thanks for being honest and considerate.
NTA - I think it is very respectful of you to go ahead and end it this early on and not letting it progress. I do think you potentially could be missing out on something great, there’s always that potential.
But if giving up nuts doesn’t fit you and your pets lifestyle (I’m a peanut butter lover too as is my doggos) then I think you are making the right call. But allergies (or any allergy for that matter) can be so so serious so it is actually really thoughtful that you don’t even want to put her in that situation. NTA.
You like peanuts more than you like her. That's fine. It could have just as easily been reversed if she didn't like dogs and dropped you because you have a dog. And that's fine too.
BusinessBobcat9888 (OP)
I like your example. If someone found out I had a dog and then said they didn't want another date because they don't like dogs, I would be grateful. We wouldn't ever be able to live together, so why waste my time?
I would find this level of candor refreshing. However, I have an inkling that you’re also, coincidentally, not all that attracted to her. And that’s just as valid a reason. I’m also possibly totally wrong! And it’s solely the peanut butter, in which case you still did the right thing. NTA.